I am sitting here, I was just outside and after the hail air was so wonderful. So fresh, full with the scent of spring, grass, new leafs, branches... water and, of course, ground. My favourite. Have you ever felt the smell of ground after rain? Nothing can confront it. I had so many thoughts, unreachable dreams... they will be for ever in my head. I gave it up on thursday.. or was it wed? There was that stupid notice from court. Unpaid debt.. had no idea what debt. Shouldnt have any.. Would be no problems if I personally received the notice. No, my mommy got it as the mail goes to that mailbox. She gave me a call and stressed me. So much, I cried, just felt on the floor and stopped. Like a dead, in silence. Instead of taking knife and cutting veins, I asked help for god. Barely broke the barriers of disbelief and rationality. I still dont know if I returned from darkness or descended back in it. I dont press anyone to accept god. But I need someone to ask help for. I can trust and talk to no people. I slowly realize that I will live in loneliness all my life. and thats all i say for now, otherwise my heart is getting tired with each word i type. id rather not give me fully away to god, but im afraid i cant afford less at the moment. I must pray someone.