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I gave up struggling with myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by theothermask, May 16, 2008.

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  1. theothermask

    theothermask Member

    I am sitting here, I was just outside and after the hail air was so wonderful. So fresh, full with the scent of spring, grass, new leafs, branches... water and, of course, ground. My favourite. Have you ever felt the smell of ground after rain? Nothing can confront it. I had so many thoughts, unreachable dreams... they will be for ever in my head.
    I gave it up on thursday.. or was it wed? There was that stupid notice from court. Unpaid debt.. had no idea what debt. Shouldnt have any.. Would be no problems if I personally received the notice. No, my mommy got it as the mail goes to that mailbox. She gave me a call and stressed me. So much, I cried, just felt on the floor and stopped. Like a dead, in silence. Instead of taking knife and cutting veins, I asked help for god. Barely broke the barriers of disbelief and rationality.
    I still dont know if I returned from darkness or descended back in it. I dont press anyone to accept god. But I need someone to ask help for. I can trust and talk to no people. I slowly realize that I will live in loneliness all my life. and thats all i say for now, otherwise my heart is getting tired with each word i type. id rather not give me fully away to god, but im afraid i cant afford less at the moment. I must pray someone.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi TheOtherMask...so glad you posted and did not give up...things in life can be so difficult....and I am sorry when I hear anyone going through them...but know we are here, and you are welcome...please let us know how you are doing...hoping your debt gets resolved...I know how stressful that can be...all the best, J
  3. theothermask

    theothermask Member

    No, I didn't gave up my life. I gave up trying to explain things rationally. my mind is my worst enemy, i have to keep it busy or something. While in this state, I still have these flashes about how bad is my life is. Its like swiming in shallows and accidentaly I find myself above the dark deep.

    I havent forgoten rationality, im not dumb now, i just need someone to talk to. Enough talking to myself (although god is.. you know).
  4. Boratz

    Boratz Well-Known Member

    Nobody die yet becoz of no credit or debts. There is always a
    in life tha we are confronted with losses among them is money. If we can minimize all & concentrate on what we need life will be less complicated.

    I am a minimalist, I do not even wear bra or underwear. It is pointless
    just an added aggravation laundry. I am very good in thrwing things.

    I don't gave it to Salvation crrap.
    What is not good for the goose not so good to the gander.

  5. theothermask

    theothermask Member

    No no, you got me wrong. This debt wasn't the whole reason.. More like a trigger for huge pile of long-saved dinamyte, the "last drop in the cup".

    But I like your style.. :) I'll consider it, altough I believe I need large quantities of stuff to keep my mind busy. Because thinking kills me.
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