I genuinely believe I may end up killing myself tonight

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MyLoveWaits, Feb 16, 2011.

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  1. MyLoveWaits

    MyLoveWaits New Member

    :sad: Hello... Um, it's a very long story to how I've got here, but that isn't important right now. The important matter is that I have a xxxxxxxxxx. I'm deathly afraid, truly. It took me ten minutes just to make myself open my computer. It took me another ten minutes of just looking blankly at google thinking, "Why does it matter anymore? Nobody is going to help me. They never do. Even when I beg for help, no one is ever listening." I finally convinced myself to find someone to talk to, though. I literally couldn't find ANY chat. I didn't want to call a hotline, so I just kept searching. Thankfully a person suggested this site.

    So, I'm really just asking for someone to save me. I'm so pained right now that I actually can't cry anymore, and when I do cry, the tears actually burn. I feel so miserable. I've been really depressed for years, but only have I been very severely depressed for the last year. I've tried killing myself too many times to count. I've begged mom for help, but she doesn't give a damn. She always makes it about her and how she feels. She'll say things like, "Don't do this tonight, I'm tireeeed!" or, "Stop feeling so sorry for yourself." She'll usually wind up slamming her bedroom door, and going to sleep, leaving me either in the bathtub trying to drown myself, or me holding a knife up to my throat or down by my heart. I hate her, even though I try not to. She's never loved or cared for me. I've been beat by my father for YEARS, until they finally divorced when I was eleven or twelve. About six months ago, I finally told her about my brother molesting me when I was seven. She took it absolutely horribly. It was understandable, but I have given her MONTHS of time to understand what I've been through. She just has this huge wall in between us. She loves him way more than me. Why else would she tell me, "I'm not going to let you ruin his life. He's apart of my life whether you like it or not. I'm not pushing him away because of YOU!" She's horrible. I've given her just a freaking enough amount of chances. She obviously HATES me.

    Now, what do you suggest I do? Will calling a bloody hotline REALLY make things better or will they just make things WORSE?! I've heard stories about how kids called in and they came out much worse than before. I'm scared of that. I also don't want to be away at some place and not be able to focus on school. Just, I've tried so hard to get a therapist, but my mom won't let me have one. I cry myself to sleep every night. Any time that I am even remotely happy, horrible thoughts come crashing through, and I feel absolutely MISERABLE. I am verging on emotionless. I suppose that's why it took me an hour just to pull myself on here. I just wish I had never been born. I wish my mother aborted me. I wish I would have a sudden heart attack that kills me in a millisecond, not being able to feel much pain. I just want it all to be gone... I have hope, or shall I say had hope... There is much too little hope for me anymore, so why even acknowledge it? My heart is broken. My head hurts. I can't even escape to my dreams, because all I have are nightmares that are sometimes much worse than my real life, and that's really hard to do. The only things that I find comfort in are two things: 1. My dog... Without her, I probably would have killed myself years ago. 2. My novel... I know it doesn't seem like it, but I'm a writer. I have been writing a novel for over a year. It's my dream. I haven't been writing that much in the past few months, though. I'm much too depressed to. Even when I try, I start to cry. Nobody cares about it one bit. I have even contemplated deleting all 50,000+ words of it. It's probably a piece of trash anyway, just like me.

    Life is hopeless. I try and try and try and TRY, but life just keeps getting worse and worse and WORSE. PLEASE help me? I'm begging you, please? I really don't want to seem over-dramatic here, but pleassse help?

    By the way, sorry for all the grammar and spelling mistakes. I'm about to kill myself, so I don't feel like making the effort to fix them. Hopefully you understand...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 16, 2011
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry I did not come online until now...how are you doing? Please let us know and continue to post...there are so many supportive ppl here who do care...welcome again, J
     
  3. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    First thing I want to ask you to do me a favor. Put the "xxxxxxxxxx" up somewhere you can't see it.

    There is no need to beg for help from any of us, we will gladly give any help or support we know how to give.

    You want to know what to do. Find a counselor, and do not give up on your aspirations of being a novelist. Don't delete 50,000 words of effort. I can tell you have talent.

    You can get through all of this. It's not easy, I know. You can get through all this or you will never get to live your dream.

    You are always welcome to send me a PM through here or an email. naitojulia@yahoo.com If I don't get back to you right away, I promise you I will. You can vent to me, let off steam or what ever you need.

    Welcome to SF. I sincerely hope you will take the time to allow us to get to know you.
    -Julia
     
  4. cycla

    cycla Member

    please dont give up, there are adults out here who would want (will want) to help you!
    But you have to get around, get away from your mother.
    Pm me ok.
     
  5. clairedelune

    clairedelune Well-Known Member

    Please don't give up now! There's still full of hope if you just open your eyes to anything that would make you happy. Your writing is one, don't throw such a beautiful talent away. What I can really help you with is suggesting to find a therapist that could really help you out with what you're going through. If your mother won't allow it, go and try yourself. We care for you and there's always a good reason why you're here, alive, with us. And I beg you to keep on posting. I sure do want to keep track of you. :smile:
     
  6. kote

    kote Account Closed

    a warm welcome to suicide forum. here no one will judge you and they will all support you in the darkest of times. this forum has literally saved my life at least 4 times.
    im so sorry to here about the environment you grew up in and still are in!!! i can understand your feelings of escape in your attempts. i can nowhere measure your problems against mine so i want to listen and help in anyway i can. i can be found on in unusual hours so if you ever want to chat pm me and i will be there for as long as you need me!!! ive all the time in the world to give to you and let you vent and let all the emotions out. im there!!!
    take care and im wishing you the best!!!
     
  7. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    Sweetie, please don't. Come back and talk to us? :hug:
     
  8. kote

    kote Account Closed

    just a quick boost as im sure we all want to help you and i dont want your situation to be lost amongst the others. take care!!!
     
  9. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    :hug: welcome to the forums.. I noticed how.. when you talked about going in to get help, you were concerned about being able to focus on school and other issues.. But I've noticed that, when we are depressed.. When we think of getting help, we think of the consequences we could get by getting the help more so then if we killed ourselves. It's kinda strange, but I even have done it too. So, when you think about it that way, would you rather die and cause unknown amounts of pain and meaning you never finish school, you never see your dog again.. etc.. Or you can get help, and maybe it will be hard, but you can get better and still see your dog and if you work hard, still finish school.

    I went into treatment myself as a teen.. and yes initially when I came out of it I wasn't any better then I was going in. But I don't know how many times councilors have said "Its going to get worse before it gets better" And now I have come to an almost certain decision that I wont attempt suicide again. After many attempts myself. And now, yes its been a long time, but now I can do so much more with my life.

    You wont live with your parents forever! You will some day be able to be who you want to be. Don't give up now. There is hope! I hope you feel better. Take care! Always here if you want to PM me. :hug:
     
  10. Worthless

    Worthless Well-Known Member

    Although I have had much different experiences as to why it is I want to end my life, I understand exactly where you are at the moment.
    I have the same feelings, or should I say lack of feelings (emotionaless) on and off all the time.
    Once I was so close to doing it, and was googling methods and came across this site.
    And hun, this forum has helped me so much.
    You read through everyone elses experiences and how they have dealt with it, and all the support you receive on this forum... its amazing.
    I can't tell you what to do, but I suggest you don't go through with ending your life just yet.
    This forum has saved me time and time again. Just by talking to other people who understand my feelings.


    In regards to your book, maybe you should post some snippets of it in our creative writing section, I would be eager to read, as would alot of other people here. :)

    If you want to talk further, dont hesitate to send me a PM.
    x
     
  11. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Have you got a teacher or a school counseller that you can confide in. You need help and if you are not getting it at home and you are self harming and being suicidal then you need to get advice and help from somewhere else.

    How old are you and what country are you in?

    x
     
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