I get it now... the whole cutting thing. I get it. No fears.... not too deep.... not where anyone can see. But shit.... I don't feel as deeply lost/numb/whatever. I've spent years helping kidz not cut.... and now here I am. I am so tired. I'm sleeping with a gun under my pillow... not loaded, but still... its like I'm outside myself watching myself get closer and closer to having some guts. And I am so ready. I'm so tired. The lost job and money and legal junk are so small in comparison to this place. I'm so tired of wanting to go, and then not. Do you know what I dread the most? Feeling good. Feeling relaxed. Feeling happy. Because when I realize I'm there, I know that this place is still here. That it waits for me. And that its rebuilding its attack plan based on all the maneuvers I used last time. And that it then takes so much more time and strength to defeat it, only to realize that eventually it will win. So why wait? Why fight? Why keep ending up here? Please.... please... just help me go.