I get it now

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by sihuskyzoi, Dec 16, 2011.

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  1. sihuskyzoi

    sihuskyzoi Well-Known Member

    I get it now... the whole cutting thing. I get it. No fears.... not too deep.... not where anyone can see. But shit.... I don't feel as deeply lost/numb/whatever. I've spent years helping kidz not cut.... and now here I am. I am so tired. I'm sleeping with a gun under my pillow... not loaded, but still... its like I'm outside myself watching myself get closer and closer to having some guts. And I am so ready. I'm so tired. The lost job and money and legal junk are so small in comparison to this place. I'm so tired of wanting to go, and then not. Do you know what I dread the most? Feeling good. Feeling relaxed. Feeling happy. Because when I realize I'm there, I know that this place is still here. That it waits for me. And that its rebuilding its attack plan based on all the maneuvers I used last time. And that it then takes so much more time and strength to defeat it, only to realize that eventually it will win. So why wait? Why fight? Why keep ending up here? Please.... please... just help me go.
  2. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    The gun might not be loaded, but then the thought of having it tucked away under your pillow might be more of a safety blanket to keep you going when the days get tough.
    I wish that you never reach the day where you need to load it!
  3. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    First, I am sorry you have had to resort to self-harm. I myself didn't start until my 40s. So I get you there. There are some great resources on that in our Self-Harm section, although you may already be aware of them.

    Many people find solace in suicidal ideation as a coping mechanism. The key is to find a better one. Easier said than done. But it can be done.

    I also know that feeling of when things are going well, wondering "when will the other shoe drop" and I return to feeling bad. Its another thing that I fight as well.

    Do you have a doctor or therapist who is helping you? Sounds like you could use some real life support as well.

    Keep posting and let us know how you are.

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