I give it about a week.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Isaak, Jun 14, 2014.

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  1. Isaak

    Isaak Active Member

    [This is the only time I will indulge myself and "verbalize" this emotional bowel movement.]

    I am overdue as it is, not to mention I'm overstaying my welcome where I (don't) rest my head at night.

    I've already dropped off the map as far most people care, anyway.

    Frankly, if i can't make a strong enough pitch to the only family I've known, to the one I've done my best for, given everything to, well, then I have to dispense with the magical thinking and accept that perhaps I am simply ill-suited to the task.

    And that's what I am afraid of. The Isaak 2.0 IPO is a flop, no angel investors waiting in the wings. I fail to secure the capital for my venture. Liquidate the holdings and stop pestering the market. Tough shit.

    There's no drawing board to go back to; I don't have the luxury of playing the Prodigal Son, sheepishly returning home with hat-in-hand, at the nominal cost of my pride. No such luck for this asshole-- only flashbacks, insomnia, depression, loss, losing time, hunger, and a return to the void of despair that I grew up in.

    Am I expecting pity? Is that how I want to justify going on? No. And I count my blessings: I knew happiness, I knew love, and I knew life for 7 years, and even the god-awful shitty mess of the last 2 years is still far better than 19 as a sadist's prisoner. Wasted potential, sure-- that's the rub-- but it has not been a wasted life.

    And I would do it again, for an eternity, reliving the beatings, humiliation, captivity, abjection, and nhilism that ruined me, bookended by this disintegration of all I value and possess, because those 7 years in between, they were worth it. Not all life is precious, but just one day of the sublime, with my loved ones in the warmth of our home, is worth 20 years of misery, to me.

    A shame if it has to end, but between the plague of active landmines in Bosnia and 11 year-old sex slaves in Bangkok, I'll be polite and show myself out.
  2. gelfling

    gelfling Active Member

    Wow. With such moving words I would hope you can find the light of that one more moment that can make all the insomnia, losing time, flashbacks, loss, depression bearable until the next moment.

    I am on the other side of my flashbacks and most of the panic/anxiety attacks.....time took care of that for me and maybe it will help you too.

    I sense from your words that you are an artistic, highly motivated, intelligent and have ideas that you can pull from your mind and bring to life. These are awesome - and I truly mean awe inspiring talents to have. It seems many people with these talents also suffer. I am not sure why that is, perhaps you are so tuned in to things that it is hard to separate self from them.

    I thank you for your reply to my post and if you would like someone to listen I can do that. Don't have much to offer for the depression as I am mired in my own at this time.....but I can listen and reply. Take care.
  3. Isaak

    Isaak Active Member

    Time has made them worse-- untreated PTSD is increasingly destructive.
  4. gelfling

    gelfling Active Member

    there are tools for dealing with the flashbacks that can decrease their intensity and help move you past them. i am not saying they will go away completely, but they can be managed. someone good with ptsd would be who i would seek out for assistance - i knowyou can do it
  5. Isaak

    Isaak Active Member

    Thank you-- I am aware of the treatment methods, I simply lack the resources and the support system, and I am running out of time and strength.
  6. gelfling

    gelfling Active Member

    Mindfulness helped me with mine as did just telling myself I was safe and they would pass. I know it sound contrite and easy, but it's not. Every time I gave into them and didn't let them freak me out the lasted a little less time. Now i only have a little anxiety and no images, so I just breathe my way through them. Therapist did nothing to help with these, just had to work it out on my own.
  7. Isaak

    Isaak Active Member

    Two Points:

    1) I do not believe we are discussing the same symptom.

    Mindfulness/being in the present is a remedy for cognitive distortions like ruminating, making presumptions, and running away with your thoughts. Cognitive processes are handled by the prefrontal cortex, the thinking/learning brain. CBT asserts behavior follows thinking, so think differently to act differently. It is often used with depression and anxiety attacks.

    With C-/PTSD, due to prior traumatic experience(s), the survival/instinct brain (aka amygdala) handles certain signals (smells, sounds, sights, sensations) with emotional urgency and automatically. What is experienced is considered "intrusive" because cognitive/conscious mindfulness are overridden, and the flashback will take it's course while you're zoned out.

    2) The point of treatment is a return to high functionality, reintegrated sense of self, affect regulation, and healthy attachments. This requires the support system, etc I mentioned before.
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