I give it to Monday...

[Broken Wings]

I give it to Monday before I finally crack... I've held on for so fucking long, and I just don't want to anymore. No, it goes deeper than that. I CAN'T anymore, I am not physically able.

I would go tonight, I would, but my mind, the same one that says 'Do it, kill yourself!' says, wait 'till Monday, see Doc. Roberts, see E..Erin... Tell her the truth for once, even though she doesn't want to hear it.

I have only one regret... that even if I wait until Monday, the things I've done won't go away, and I still can't tell Mrs. Kirby the truth...


The truth is I love these people! In different ways, but neither seem to want it.
Erin has said as much to my friend Bryan, I believe him, because he's never lied before, and he knows how much this means to me, so wouldn't lie about it...
And Mrs. Kirby won't even reply to the emails I've sent her... Won't even send me an email saying she doesn't want to talk to me!

And I can't escape my past... it haunts me....

I told myself that I could old on through life unless two things compounded on top of my past. If Erin says that she could never, and will NEVER care for me, that it's not possible, and if Mrs. Kirby said she wouldn't talk, or never replied...


Erin was keeping me alive, and she didn't know it. I didn't know it. Not until now.... And now all of the conditions are met....

But I have to be sensible, I have to keep a level head, make the 'right' choice, just like always, right?

I'll wait... I'll try.... But I'm not sure I can...

Just make the broken pieces of me stop falling... please?

 

[itmahanh]

While you're waiting for Monday, please do one thing for yourself. Call the local crisis line or suicide line. They can help you through this with resources and suggestions that you may not of heard or considered yet. Please. Those two people may be so very important to you, but I think you are important to many more. Ending your life would hurt so many others. Please reconsider or atleast call one of those numbers.

 

[Broken Wings]

I've called Kids Help Phone twice in the run of these past few months.... The first time, they made me feel a bit better, made me cry (which, since I was feeling numb, was a good thing). The second time they made me feel worse.

I don't think I could take it if they made me cry again on one of those lines, I'm already crying, I don't need more...

I will consider doing that... but I'm pretty sure no one will be any better than my therapist, Doc. Roberts (I see her monday, thus the wait. I figure she'll either make it a bit more bearable, or make it worse... I'll base my actions from there...) I've gone through this whole thing before, so, while I don't believe I've seen every option, I believe I know of a lot of them, and can't seem to find one to help right now....


But thank you.

 

[Beret]

Broken Wings :hug: good you have decided to wait and are not over-reacting. Good you have decided to talk to your doc first. Tell him/her the truth how you feel, tell what you have thought about, dont keep anything for yourself. Hopefully the doc can make you feel better, or refer you to a crisis center or ward if needed. Stay strong, we are here for you.
Many, many hugs,
Lots of love,
Beret xx

 

[Gunner12]

If you keep thing inside of you and never let them out, they will only end up destroying you from the inside out.

If you are afraid to let it all out at once, do it slowly.

Let it all out, you will feel better afterwards.

 

[Broken Wings]

I will tell my Doc 'bout this, even though she tends to guess when I feel suicidal, she's good like that.

I won't go back to the ward. I won't. I've been twice, and it doesn't help me all that much, so I won't go back there.


Thank you.

 

[dumdumgurl]

i agree with the physic waeds. UAELESS and a waste of money with all kinds of well wishes and plans t help got all the promises and n help just islatyion and i wastotallycrppled and helpless to bgt. no physic waeds death fr sure instead!

 

[Broken Wings]

Well, as I live in Canada, it's not really a waste of money for me...

I see my Doc tomorrow... She'll probably just up my meds and tell me to be good....

Oh well, better to at least attempt to make an effort to get better before doing what I want, right?

That's the 'responsible' thing to do....

 

[Gunner12]

Who knows,

Maybe this time you will get well enough to break out of this vicious circle.

 

[Broken Wings]

So I saw my doc... for a few minutes, she was rushed.

She suggested I go back to the hospital, but I refused, and she respected that.

So instead she told me to start taking an anti-anxitiy drug, Cloneazapram(?) and come back on Thursday for a REAL session, where we can talk seriously for more than five minutes.

I guess I can hold out until then... right?

Tomorrow I'm going to my first LGBT Youth meeting. I'm not sure if I'll like it, but I think it'd be good to meet more people like me.

 

[Gunner12]

Of course you can hold off till then.

Sounds like progress to me.

 

[Broken Wings]

Tomorrow's Wednesday.

The LGBT Youth meeting didn't work out, I was the ony person to show up...
Oh well.

In theroy she should get the letter tomorrow, Canada Post is up to it's usual standards. Fingers crossed?

Thank you Gunner, for all this.

 

[Broken Wings]

Well, it's technically Friday (12:03am). I made it through a week I wasn't sure I was going to live to see.

Saw the Doc today (Thursday).

No reply from Ms. Kirby yet.

Doc says to try and forget Erin, that she treats me like crap (which I suppose is mostly true), and to try and find another fully lesbian girl to focus my attractions on.

She also gave me some Cloneazepram to take until my presentation on the 30th (I have mild social anxiety).

She also asked me to stop cutting, or, more accurately, to try to stop.

So I guess I'm just too weak to actually do what I want and not keep living. I hate being so weak all the time.

 

[Broken Wings]

Fuck it. Fuck it all.

Mrs Kirby doesn't even bother to send a reply to me herself, no, she cowards out ad gets my old ACW to call my new ACW to tall me to fuck off and never talk to her again.

That just tops off the fact that Erin thinks I'm a playtoy and not some one whom she can have a really relationship with.

The two people I love the most care about me the least.

To top all of that off, me mum is away at a retreat this weekend, so I have no one to talk to, or take me to the hospital, because I'm struggling with if I should go or not.

On the one hand I really fucking want to kill myself.
On the other, I want to go to SHS on Monday and confront Mrs Kirby.
On the third magical mutant hand I know I should to go to the hospital were I know I'll be safe, and not do anything stupid.

Argh.

I went for a bike ride at 11pm, hoping a car would drive by, not notice me, and my suicide would be written off as vehicular manslaughter.

I want to down every pill I find in our family med cabinet. I want to never take a pill again.
I want to kill her, I want to hug her.
I want to cry, and I want to scream.

I'm tried of fucking taking all the shit people throw at me, and none of them letting me throw it back!

GRRR!

Fuck!

I want to cut, but I want to prove it to her that even without that fucking promise I can live clean.
I want her to know I hate her, and I want her to know I love her!
I don't even know what the fuck I want anymore....

Someone save me...?
Please...?

 

[gentlelady]

I am sorry to see you are in such pain and are at a point in your life where uncertainty seems to be constantly in play. You should not base your life on other individuals that may or may not wish to have the type of relationship with you that you want. For some people that kind of dependency can be overwhelming. You have shown that you really do want to live by changing dates and being able to look toward things in the future. this is good. Never make any decisions in haste or while suffering. The mind can trick us and make us think something we don't want we really do. Feel free to PM me or another member you may feel comfortable in discussing things with. Please stay safe. :hug:

 

[dazzle11215]

you are very strong, and i'm very proud of you for not giving in those urges, either to cut or take whatever is in the medicine cabinet. you made it all week, and i remember last weekend was so hard for you.

is there anyone who can come stay with you while your mom is away? just for tonight and tomorrow, i'm guessing, until she returns. if the feelings get worse would you go to the ER? or call the hotline? let them help you. and keep writing, that way we can help, too.

just wanted to add, you can take yourself to the hospital if your mom is away. could a friend or neighbour give you a lift? or could you call a cab or a car service?

 

[famous.last.words]

You have come so far, please dont give up now.
:hug:

 

[Broken Wings]

Me mum is back.

We're going to talk to Mrs Grover soon, and see if I can either drop the class, or do the presentaion differently. That could take a lot of stress off...

If that doesn't work out, I'm probably going back to the hospital.

I stayed in bed until 2:45 today. I just didn't see the point in getting up.
I have a feeling tomorrow will be the same, except that I have to get up tomorrow.

I'm not sure what to do about Mrs Kirby so I'll try to forget.
But with Erin, I see her everyday and its killing me not to say something. To smile, to be 'normal'.

Thank you all for answering... it really helps.