I give up, wtf is the point of grinding thru life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lifeisagame, May 29, 2011.

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  1. Lifeisagame

    Lifeisagame New Member

    Im just tired of trying basically. I try the things I like super hard with success but lately I just want out of this life its so impossible to succeed long term in it and see a good future outcome. I just dont get why people are so idiotic towards me with their requests. Right now im watching UFC which is something I really enjoyed and I just dont even care about it and it was like $60 like why the hell did I buy it im writing on a suicide forum right now what a waste. The more I think about it the more I see I find zero joy or emotion in anything I do now that would normally be deemed as fun, or positive. I simply find im hating everything I see and everyone.

    When I say I cannot try any longer, its complex but if people here can grasp basic information then they will understand my issues. I have been playing online poker(no limit holdem) for about 3 years now, now obviously ive seen a change in my mood since playing, anger and sadness, utter bliss and joy, its an extremely complex game with ups and downs, very little difference from a pro stock trader. I play cash and tournaments at a pretty high level, thousands of dollars a day in buyins or cash game win/losses can occur, like I said its stressful, but I can control it well and am a vastly winning player. In the past 12 months ive made about $200,000 USD from online poker, im not a degenerate gambler, I consider myself to be quite intelligent and a thinking person and I win consistently because im playing against lesser minded opponents who like to gamble, my polar opposite obviously.

    My main problem lies in that im too generous, if someone says they need money and are a friend/family member I always say yes, how can you deny it when people very close to you know you are financially successful?? its very hard to deny someone close monetary help when they badly need it unless you are a soulless monster.

    Ive gone on a poker downswing of about -$15,000 doesnt bother me too much as it happens but it sucks to happen RIGHT now, my mom is having a hard time paying house bills and a bunch of failed projects in which ive had to loan her over -$40,000, I did research into some trading of precious metals and lost another -$8,000, I loaned out to my friend -$7,000, another friend -$3,000 then he proceeded to lose his job, other can't pay right now either still no job, they still very much wants to pay and sent a few very small payments but they wont be able to pay for a long time....bassssically means money gone for now and he has no job still. I made plans to get these amounts paid back in about 8-10 months and of course that will never happen, at least not anytime soon.

    So basically all the fucking work ive been doing just went down the shitter, at least a good chunk of it, around -75k at least im missing a lot of small things. Do you know how hard is to make this kind of money online? Its hard as shit and the people around me seem to think its easy and it will flow in forever. Wrong, the US gov't fucked me over hard and has eliminated online poker for its citizens banning them from playing, its been a huge story in the financial news nationwide. I guarentee the thousands of pro players in the US are similar in their suicidal depression, even worse for them they have no access to online at all, the US gov't really enjoys murdering people and destroying lives, doesnt it?

    Im Canadian so I can still play online, but this DOJ indictment killed the pool of players and multiple online poker sites, billion dollar industry sites, and is slicing up my bottom line forcing me to play lower stakes and play poker in a "live table" setting. This really just sucks because generally the people are so very stupid at live poker and I dislike greatly talking to them for an extended period of time, a good analogy would be like a go-cart racer talking to a Nascar driver all day about how good of a go-cart racer is he and all his "mad skills" on the track. Lol. Oh and the go-cart racer is like 8.

    I don't want to rant on forever but with my hourly rate dropping HUGE I will not be able to make a living off playing poker anymore, huge debts are owed to me with little money coming in now and what I assume to be many more debts incoming because I will not ever say no to my mom, fuck that, she does need it badly and no one else will help. Honestly though it does kill me inside to see all my cash savings that ive built up just get burned into bills/mortgage etc at such a fanatical pace, it kills me. She knows it kills me too even though I try not to discuss it, so it hurts her to know her loan hurts me? Sickening cycle. Its soul crushing really and I fucking hate it, what is the point of living or working hard if everything is taken away by life?

    People and friends seem to love lying too, or they say they are going to do something and im last on the fucking list. As in, hey man yeah I will send you a tiny little part of the amount I agreed to pay weekly, a $200 payment back on saturday! sunday comes, monday, i text them, they dont have the money and I find out they bought some new air jordans. Sick bro cool thanks. How in the fuck do I counter this fail? I obviously dont loan them money now but its done...They arnt bad people, just make stupid and bad choices and like I said i appear to be last on the list, they only act this way because of the money ive known them forever.

    People just seem to enjoy lying, to fuck with me? I dont know, why do people say they are going to give something, or do something for me, or usually they just need something, they always fucking need something. Little things will drive me over the edge I believe. like my $2000 laptop I just bought 2 months ago is fucking broken, got it off a really reputable seller on ebay, they dont even fucking reply to my messages asking for assistance its been over a week yet when its someone asking me for something I fucking backflip for them. Its one of the few things I got for myself, of fucking course it doesnt work, a little bit of happiness crushed again, aww yeah!

    Overall another problem I seem to encounter is I just find people to be so stupid, whether its their shitty minor life problems, the things they talk about, the random idiotic emotions, constantly feeling empathy for things that truly deep inside you know they damn well don't give a shit because *gasp* they wont even remember the person missing/dead/lost on the news or a facebook page 1 week later once its off the mainstream news. People are glorified sheep and I just find it annoying even though they are essentially my lifeblood and what was filling up my bank account. Ironic, no?

    Im ranting really hard now but im pretty confidant since my main source of income and my main skill-trade has been basically taken away that I will kill myself. Money is nice but when you are playing professional poker money is your lifeblood, you need money to make money. You also need to be able to actually play, thanks US government, fucking pricks.

    My real life itself really isnt too bad, normal home normal life, divorced parents, pretty standard like a lot of people. Still good contact with both parents they are happy, brother is fine, im the only one who is... losing. Just writing this is enraging me because I cannot believe how quickly im failing and now I cannot even recover it now. Please no one be xxx and tell me "my life is great", "you still got like over $120,000 bro you should be happy life is great" "people love you!(maybe my money)" whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa etc etc. No, no no, no you have no idea sir/madam, you have no idea.

    Whats the point in trying life anymore? What is the fucking point of trying? Really, its a serious question. Im only 22, but ive never had a job because I have no interest in additional schooling or work. I consider the peons of the world slaving away at their low paying, 9-5 jobs and it just sickens me the thought of it, I will never do this. Why would I do something that I viciously hate so much? That is not living. I decided that right out of high school when I got dabbling into poker that I will not work for others ever, unless for myself and for a substantial pay. Every additional venture I try to invest money seems to fail, ive tried other methods of working at home and failed those too.

    Things may not seem bad to an outsider reading this, but when you are up on the very top with things looking so positive and then you can just watch as the future begins melting slowly in front of you, it just kills you inside and the thoughts of xxxxxxxx keep filling my mind and its going to kill me I truly believe.

    I thought about the idea of killing myself some weeks before, but it just gets easier and easier by the day and seemingly a better spot to be in. I'd rather fucking die then watch as my life savings is completely exhausted in front of me, because I know I cannot make enough back online now. I don't even fucking care anymore, is it what it is and is unchangeable. Simply fantastic that my killer is going to be my money, my family, my friends and the US gov't.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 29, 2011
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...I have had similar examples of loaning people money and never seeing it...one ex-friend owed me, sold her house and sent me nothing...now, I only loan what I feel is comfortable for me and with some ppl I will be surprised if I ever get it...I have been able to reduce the meaning of money for me more recently...it was a part of my ego in the past...making more than some, less than many, but enough to fill me with feelings of being OK...I hope to be OK without it having that power...sorry things seem so awful and I hope you find the support you are looking for here...J
  3. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    I think it was generous to give your mother and your friends that money, but it's not your obligation. Personally I would not have considered myself financially secure if my source of income was online poker. Even so consider you are more financially secure than many already who are dealing effectively with greater problems. Note that the money you do have you can make last a fair while if you are wise with it. While you work on a solution to get a secure income. As always this involves a mental health issue, and is not entirely to do with the situation you find yourself in, that is driving you to suicidal thoughts. Although it is no doubt a combination of both.

    I thought I would reply to this because my problems are centered around love, and not money, so I thought my perspective may give something different. Speaking from experience. If you have ever fell deeply in love with someone. If you find your ideal partner that loves you. I have found that itself gives you a reason to live. But it can also destroy you if it doesn't work out. I am all too aware of this. For this kind of love you will go to a mundane job you hate. For this love you will do things you ordinarily would not tolerate. As you know at the end of the day you have them and it takes the edge off everything bad in life that would otherwise seem more significant.

    Even if you are not enjoying life, and have not found this love yet. You still don't know what kind of experience is around the corner. You may be about to come across something that will change your life.

    I only say this because I fell in love, and I never expected to find the one for me, but I came across something truly great, something that was once in a lifetime thing, and things have not been the same since. I'm not saying it's easier but it sure is a worthwhile experience.
  4. Lifeisagame

    Lifeisagame New Member

    i agree it was not my obligation but i decided that either A) mom completely loses house which is really bad or B) pretty much forced upon to pay house bills to a vast excess there was no C) or D) etc

    the friends was I just thought I could trust peoples words, again just lies, thats why I pretty much hate people.

    Its pretty bad again today I really trul'y hate life ive just been getting really drunk and thinking of ways to kill myself, most are all pretty violemt and painful i just dont know how to get rid of the body. I was thinking maybe just getting lost in the woods somewhere really far away and hanging myself. I really think this will happen soon im basically counting the days as I do indeed think I have narrowed down my options of death. A gun would be ideal but I dont know where to get a handgun in canada

    not one thing in life brings happiness to me anymore, nothing. also im not even remotely religious because just... lol god cmon really... people have said this but god doesnt work if you inherintly have no feeling for religion your whole life. Love... love is false... ive seen a couple relations work but mostly its jst people complaining about spouse or they hate their spouse or they are leaving them or they took their money etc etc jesus it sounds terrible. I had GF in high school that was my last one and it only lasted maybe a year, HS relations rarely last long anyway.

    so yea, what is the best way to do this?? seriously ive fucking given up, I need help to decide or im going to take a taxi and tip him like $500 and get him to take me way far up north all i need is a flashlight and some strong rope and a good spot, seems super easy and when body is found at least my parents wont see the dead body in its hanged state someone else will do all the dirty work like the cops or whatever.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 2, 2011
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i understand why you are so angry. you worked hard at this, got good at it, and it's been taken away. my friend's husband plays online poker (at a high level like you) and he told me all about "black friday."

    still as angry as you are it's no reason to kill yourself. revenge is the best policy. live a full and happy life, despite this.

    your life is intertwined with everyone you meet. i had a friend commit suicide seven years ago. i still think of him every day. i am so sad that he left this world not knowing how much we all loved him. i know there are people in your life who would be devastated by your leaving

    you sound very intelligent. you are clearly talented. you just need another outlet. have you considered the financial industry? the money is good.
  6. Lifeisagame

    Lifeisagame New Member

    Its like a doctor that does nothing wrong and gets his medical license taken away. What does he do now? Lets assume he loved his job, but couldnt do anything related in the catagory of medicine anymore, but could learn similar practices in the field because he has the intelligence to do so. I dont have examples but you know what I mean...other tasks are not what I want to live for...I have no will or desire to delve into a new field... no desire at all... i might do this to myself much sooner than I originally thought, looking at this is ll all, all what i wrote, so depressing...

    most of this thread is basically my death note. I dont think ill be back onto the internet or this thread I have a good idea on how im going to end this by reading multiple forums and posts in the past 3-4 days or so. thanks for replies anyway :mortd:
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