Im just tired of trying basically. I try the things I like super hard with success but lately I just want out of this life its so impossible to succeed long term in it and see a good future outcome. I just dont get why people are so idiotic towards me with their requests. Right now im watching UFC which is something I really enjoyed and I just dont even care about it and it was like $60 like why the hell did I buy it im writing on a suicide forum right now what a waste. The more I think about it the more I see I find zero joy or emotion in anything I do now that would normally be deemed as fun, or positive. I simply find im hating everything I see and everyone. When I say I cannot try any longer, its complex but if people here can grasp basic information then they will understand my issues. I have been playing online poker(no limit holdem) for about 3 years now, now obviously ive seen a change in my mood since playing, anger and sadness, utter bliss and joy, its an extremely complex game with ups and downs, very little difference from a pro stock trader. I play cash and tournaments at a pretty high level, thousands of dollars a day in buyins or cash game win/losses can occur, like I said its stressful, but I can control it well and am a vastly winning player. In the past 12 months ive made about $200,000 USD from online poker, im not a degenerate gambler, I consider myself to be quite intelligent and a thinking person and I win consistently because im playing against lesser minded opponents who like to gamble, my polar opposite obviously. My main problem lies in that im too generous, if someone says they need money and are a friend/family member I always say yes, how can you deny it when people very close to you know you are financially successful?? its very hard to deny someone close monetary help when they badly need it unless you are a soulless monster. Ive gone on a poker downswing of about -$15,000 doesnt bother me too much as it happens but it sucks to happen RIGHT now, my mom is having a hard time paying house bills and a bunch of failed projects in which ive had to loan her over -$40,000, I did research into some trading of precious metals and lost another -$8,000, I loaned out to my friend -$7,000, another friend -$3,000 then he proceeded to lose his job, other can't pay right now either still no job, they still very much wants to pay and sent a few very small payments but they wont be able to pay for a long time....bassssically means money gone for now and he has no job still. I made plans to get these amounts paid back in about 8-10 months and of course that will never happen, at least not anytime soon. So basically all the fucking work ive been doing just went down the shitter, at least a good chunk of it, around -75k at least im missing a lot of small things. Do you know how hard is to make this kind of money online? Its hard as shit and the people around me seem to think its easy and it will flow in forever. Wrong, the US gov't fucked me over hard and has eliminated online poker for its citizens banning them from playing, its been a huge story in the financial news nationwide. I guarentee the thousands of pro players in the US are similar in their suicidal depression, even worse for them they have no access to online at all, the US gov't really enjoys murdering people and destroying lives, doesnt it? Im Canadian so I can still play online, but this DOJ indictment killed the pool of players and multiple online poker sites, billion dollar industry sites, and is slicing up my bottom line forcing me to play lower stakes and play poker in a "live table" setting. This really just sucks because generally the people are so very stupid at live poker and I dislike greatly talking to them for an extended period of time, a good analogy would be like a go-cart racer talking to a Nascar driver all day about how good of a go-cart racer is he and all his "mad skills" on the track. Lol. Oh and the go-cart racer is like 8. I don't want to rant on forever but with my hourly rate dropping HUGE I will not be able to make a living off playing poker anymore, huge debts are owed to me with little money coming in now and what I assume to be many more debts incoming because I will not ever say no to my mom, fuck that, she does need it badly and no one else will help. Honestly though it does kill me inside to see all my cash savings that ive built up just get burned into bills/mortgage etc at such a fanatical pace, it kills me. She knows it kills me too even though I try not to discuss it, so it hurts her to know her loan hurts me? Sickening cycle. Its soul crushing really and I fucking hate it, what is the point of living or working hard if everything is taken away by life? People and friends seem to love lying too, or they say they are going to do something and im last on the fucking list. As in, hey man yeah I will send you a tiny little part of the amount I agreed to pay weekly, a $200 payment back on saturday! sunday comes, monday, i text them, they dont have the money and I find out they bought some new air jordans. Sick bro cool thanks. How in the fuck do I counter this fail? I obviously dont loan them money now but its done...They arnt bad people, just make stupid and bad choices and like I said i appear to be last on the list, they only act this way because of the money ive known them forever. People just seem to enjoy lying, to fuck with me? I dont know, why do people say they are going to give something, or do something for me, or usually they just need something, they always fucking need something. Little things will drive me over the edge I believe. like my $2000 laptop I just bought 2 months ago is fucking broken, got it off a really reputable seller on ebay, they dont even fucking reply to my messages asking for assistance its been over a week yet when its someone asking me for something I fucking backflip for them. Its one of the few things I got for myself, of fucking course it doesnt work, a little bit of happiness crushed again, aww yeah! Overall another problem I seem to encounter is I just find people to be so stupid, whether its their shitty minor life problems, the things they talk about, the random idiotic emotions, constantly feeling empathy for things that truly deep inside you know they damn well don't give a shit because *gasp* they wont even remember the person missing/dead/lost on the news or a facebook page 1 week later once its off the mainstream news. People are glorified sheep and I just find it annoying even though they are essentially my lifeblood and what was filling up my bank account. Ironic, no? Im ranting really hard now but im pretty confidant since my main source of income and my main skill-trade has been basically taken away that I will kill myself. Money is nice but when you are playing professional poker money is your lifeblood, you need money to make money. You also need to be able to actually play, thanks US government, fucking pricks. My real life itself really isnt too bad, normal home normal life, divorced parents, pretty standard like a lot of people. Still good contact with both parents they are happy, brother is fine, im the only one who is... losing. Just writing this is enraging me because I cannot believe how quickly im failing and now I cannot even recover it now. Please no one be xxx and tell me "my life is great", "you still got like over $120,000 bro you should be happy life is great" "people love you!(maybe my money)" whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa etc etc. No, no no, no you have no idea sir/madam, you have no idea. Whats the point in trying life anymore? What is the fucking point of trying? Really, its a serious question. Im only 22, but ive never had a job because I have no interest in additional schooling or work. I consider the peons of the world slaving away at their low paying, 9-5 jobs and it just sickens me the thought of it, I will never do this. Why would I do something that I viciously hate so much? That is not living. I decided that right out of high school when I got dabbling into poker that I will not work for others ever, unless for myself and for a substantial pay. Every additional venture I try to invest money seems to fail, ive tried other methods of working at home and failed those too. Things may not seem bad to an outsider reading this, but when you are up on the very top with things looking so positive and then you can just watch as the future begins melting slowly in front of you, it just kills you inside and the thoughts of xxxxxxxx keep filling my mind and its going to kill me I truly believe. I thought about the idea of killing myself some weeks before, but it just gets easier and easier by the day and seemingly a better spot to be in. I'd rather fucking die then watch as my life savings is completely exhausted in front of me, because I know I cannot make enough back online now. I don't even fucking care anymore, is it what it is and is unchangeable. Simply fantastic that my killer is going to be my money, my family, my friends and the US gov't.