I have decided to kill my self, why live on? isn't the point of life to find someone to love?... well THATS what i set out to do and this is my story please note that some of this may sound silly but its all true people say im funny and have an awesome personality. i have no car, no friends and live alone..... im lonely, i look at other people, and see that other people have someone there that cares about what they are doing, that cares about what they are saying... not me, they just say i have a good personality, and walk away, and don't want to hang with me leaving me lonely, i am 20 and i have never touched a girl, how ever i have been trying to improve myself, by doing things to the extreme by abusing medication, which has now screwed with my head completely, i have been forcing my self to become better at art, so that people will care about me, i have sat in my apartment for 3years improving... still no one cares.. i have an awesome personality, i make people laugh, or do i think i do? or am i just going crazy from all my medication, its Halloween and I'm alone, no friends, just talking to my self, wishing i had something to do, i'm sick of drawing i've been doing that for 3 years straight, for attention long ago, i played rpgs, i also stayed up late night all night never stopped, runescape, warcraft, you name it got max out did everything just so SOMEONE would care, no one did. i changed my last name, i got my own apartment, i got a cat... hello, girls? why do you hate me? im not ugly, infact i look good... i even learned how to play the piano.... REALLY! still no one cares... i've been forcing my self so much, trying to improve, maybe i wasn't smart enough? i thought, so i abused pills, gave my self ocd, cut my self to keep working, try harder at improving at art. i am now a furry artist how ever no one cares.. i have a good imagination, i invented so many characters-wait no one cares.. I have left everything behind me, just to get a girl to like me, i cut my long hair, grew up, i have sacrificed my time, everything.... but... no one cares... they say im funny, but don't pay attention to me or ask me out...? i look at peoples facebook, i see that they have like "36 unread messages" not mine i hardly get messages. i used to have a friend but he was all into rpgs, and so were his friend that he introduced me to, and they would talk about me and make fun of me behind my back if i sucked at them.. i left them years ago as well. my other friend i lived with, turned into an emotionless person, just like my dad, started drinking, and yes, not caring about me, or anything i achieved. i can't say no one cares i have family, some family.... some of them care.... some.... but family normally cares........ its like, they have to because all they are is walking pride, only caring about pride, thats why i say. am i cursed to be forever alone? if so, why keep on living? everything i have done, forced my self to do... back then i was on a pill that made me nervous, so nervous that i was put into a mentally retarded school, the kids there destroyed my self esteem but i had reason to keep going, to keep waking up, and taking that pain my dad that i lived with didn't care, he was emotionless he to made me feel like dirt. i wanted a girl..... to do that i had to make my self worthy, i had to get good at "yes i said it would seem silly" rpgs, "IDK maybe i'd find a gamer girl"? but that was 6years ago. or so, and no i'm no longer really nervous and that way, ever since i left my awful emotionless father, i seeked docter help, they fixed ALOT my nervous ocd, disablity now im pro, and i'm able to think with out needing to "pleasure my self" in order to think. i'm on my own now, my mom helping me out time to time.... but thats not the point....... now that i have improved as much as i can, i mean i'm burned out.... ..... no one cares. i can't improve anymore i can't take it, im starting to hear things that arn't there.... my ocd is getting weird, like its not as much as before but its different and weird like, i need to go to the bathroom and go number 2 or i can't think straight.... and then wash off after words.... EVERY TIME but i'll let the pills screw with me as long as they improve my mental performance, so that i am worthy of a girl, i envy anyone, who ever touched a girl, i look around a girl is sleeping on her boyfriends lap, a girl is cuddling with her guy friend as other guy friends care about this guy. that i am way BETTER AND COOLER THEN IN EVERY WAY. but i cant anymore ITS NOT FAIR, and no i cant get off of my meds or else the withdrawal from the pills (that's a fate worse then death) and now im addicted to meth, that is in my pills that i take because i kept abusing them. i have also studied other things, history and everything else on my own.... ALOT learned alot about computers, modding, etc.... not anything math related though.... still, not worthy, still no one cares still forever alone. so why don't i kill my self?