I am sitting here writing this effortlessly. People can sit here and read this and I know that my words are like a thousand other posts, people don't care, they just read and say another depressed, screwed up human being on this planet. That's okay with me because I'm past the point of caring. I'm past the point of feeling anything about myself except utter remorse. I have sat here thinking of how to word what I want to say but I realize no matter what I say it won't matter in the long run. For years I have bent over backwards for a number of people, I have selflessly put my life on hold to take care of others, to help others, to let other people walk all over my fragile shell of existence. I have raised my nephew only at times to get yelled at and told that he is not my son and that I have no say. The truth is everyone knows that I am pretty much that kids mother, even if I didn't give birth to him. He wrapped his arms around me the other day and told me he didn't want to move out with his daddy, that he'd miss me too much. That broke my heart into pieces because his father is going to rip him out of a loving environment. He also cried because he knows his mother isn't around. He said to my neighbor "Everyone else gets to see their mommy, I don't know where mine lives and I don't know how to get in touch with her" He's 7 years old and his heart is shattered because he doesn't have a real mommy like everyone else. He has a pathetic auntie, though he knows I love him wholeheartedly, it's just not the same. This summer I quit my other nannying job to help my father's girlfriend out with her kids because she had to work and had no one to watch them. She decided the past two weeks to cut my pay in half, now mind you I get paid shit to begin with. She left me a note this morning saying my pay is adequate enough because supposedly her 11 year old does all the work. Now, firstly that is a bunch of bullshit because the 11 year old sleeps til noon everyday, cooks for herself not for her 8 year old sister. I pick up after her slovenly kids, I cook, I take them places, and this is what I get. I get walked on like a door mat once again. At this point if she comes near me she better be prepared to be shocked because I have no nice words for that piece of shit called a mother. A mother who's kids hate her when she comes home because all she does is scream at them. So, to me she does not exist. My father wanted us to have a nice relationship, forget that as well. So my solution to all the shit I've been going through, all the pain, and all the anguish as what to do because I don't want to hurt my father. I pop pills endlessly to forget the pain, to become numb. I am killing my insides and I don't care anymore. I just don't give a shit. I don't care what I do to myself anymore because frankly nobody else gives a shit what they do to me. So in the end I'll just keep popping my happy lil pills and kill my insides slowly. It's a nice way to go, nice and painful just like the life I lead now. On a side note if I'm not around much this weekend of the coming week its either becuase I don't live here anymore, I don't care to sign on and talk or I'm gone. Take your pick because I don't give a shit anymore and neither should you.