I go for guys I'm not attracted to because they're 'safe'.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by pogosticker, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    They end up falling in love with me, but I end up breaking it off with them because I don't feel it. I kind of just use them to give me a self-esteem boost and to avoid being hurt myself. Does that make me a bad person? I try to end it with them in as nice a way as possible.

    I also went to a bar and got it on with a guy in the toilet cubicle while my boyfriend was at the bar with me (though obviously not when i was with the other guy.) I did this because my boyfriend (who I since broke up with), well, I wasn't very attracted to him. But this other guy, I really was - and he wanted me to.. you know, so I did, despite having a boyfriend.

    I know that sounds terrible. But the random guy at the bar was the only guy I was ever truly attracted to who actually said in so many words 'I want you to **** me'. So.. I kind of did.

    Basically.. I'm a mess, relationship-wise.
  2. VLEC

    VLEC New Member

    That doesn't make you a bad person. I don't think it helps to label yourself as either "good" or "bad". You obviously have very good reasons to behave the way you do. It hurts to feel rejected so it's easier to do the rejecting. Sometimes that fear of bein hurt makes people act in ways they don't like. It doesn't sound like you enjoy the way you are in relationships. Maybe that's a clue that you need to work on the one relationship that really matters, and that's the relationship you have with you. I realize how corny that sounds, but I know from my own experience that a lot of problems I have had in relationships have mostly to do with the fact that I don't like myself very muchand I feel very fragile in an emotional sense. So I do things to protect whatever little dignity I have. You are not alone, Pogosticker
  3. 1112222

    1112222 Well-Known Member

    Does it make you a bad person who knows but using someone as a self-esteem boost then ditching them as well as cheating on your then boyfriend are still both really shitty things to do.
  4. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    I'm pretty sure that you already know that what you're doing is destructive. It's definitely not murderer or child molester bad, but it's bad.

    There will be people who will tell you that guys do this kind of thing all the time and have sex with girls they don't care about and there are all of these double standards and it's not fair, etc… but none of that changes the fact that you seem to be hurting people for the sake of your own ego, which isn't a good thing… it's actually worse, because if you get picked up in a bar by a player then in some ways you have to be expecting it, but by the sounds of it these are guys you meet elsewhere, they actually care about you (through naivete, probably) and you're making them feel worthless.

    Next time just say 'I wouldn't want to ruin what seems to be a great friendship' and then move along… you'll get used to it.
  5. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I don't think you are a bad person, but some of the things you are doing are bad. You shouldn't let a random guy use you like that, especially if you have a boyfriend. It will just make your self-esteem worse. You shouldn't date someone just for a self-esteem boost, you should date someone who boosts your self-esteem by the way they treat you. I can understand not wanting to get hurt...sometimes I try to end a relationship before they try to end it. But these are just defense mechanisms that can be corrected.
  6. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    I think they were using each other… just because she's a girl doesn't mean she's not responsible for her own actions.
  7. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    I don't think Witty_sarcasm meant that she shouldn't be responsible for her actions because she's a girl. I think she meant that she shouldn't disrespect herself by letting a guy use her for her body.

    I don't think OP is a bad person, but I think she definitely has self-esteem issues and possibly a personality disorder of some sort if these types of actions have been a pattern for a while now.
  8. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Yeah, I meant that she shouldn't let a guy use her. Sorry if there was some confusion, I know I don't always word things the right way.
  9. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    hey, all those numbers!........ sorry if this is off topic, but I had not come across the quote of your sig before "If God were suddenly condemned to live the life which He has inflicted upon men, He would kill Himself.

    Alexandre Dumas"

    I think A.D. has got his theology up the spout here, and doesn't understand anything to do with the real God - what he's attributing to 'God' says more about A.D's projections (for whatever reason - but he shouldn't inflict them on the world :mad: even if the world wants his opinion).

    I expect this post might probably get moved to 'Soap Box' - sorry for going off topic
  10. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I second that, totally - the answer lies within, babe
  11. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    No actually I think I probably should have just assumed that it was all good…
  12. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    So it seems you put the utmost importance in looks; as to who you want to be with and who you mess around with and everything else.
  13. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    Um, yeah, pogosticker, what you did was bad. Cruel. You need to change.
  14. Entoloma43

    Entoloma43 Well-Known Member

    Yes, yes it does.
  15. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    Just to clarify, I'm a guy.

    And to those calling me a bad person, I disagree. Deep down, I feel terrible for the way I've led guys on and then treated them this way. But I have tried ending them in a nice way. And it's not completely down to me 'using them', part of it is just that I have a hard time saying no.. so they try to kiss me, and I don't have the balls to say no so I kiss them. Then they say they had a great time, so I do too.. and before I know it I end up agreeing to be in a relationship with them. And it feels ok for a while, with the constant compliments and them making me feel good about myself.. then that dies and I have to end it. I don't purposely use/manipulate them. I may have made some bad, shitty choices, but I don't believe I'm truly a bad person.

    I appreciate some of the input in this thread, and of course you're all entitled to your opinions, but I know myself more than any of you.. and it's easy for you to interpret and judge a short paragraph in any way you choose, but it only shows a very small part of the bigger picture.

    Since making this thread I've not been with anyone, nor do I want to. I'm working on myself, and someone who said I may have a personality disorder, I think is right. I've been reading up on BPD, and think it explains a lot of things.

    P.S. About the random hookup guy 'using me'.. well, I see nothing wrong with casual sex. I enjoyed it. He did too. That's all there is to it.
  16. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    Well, if it makes you feel better, most of the posts on this thread have begun with some variation of 'you're not a bad person'.

    But cheating on your SO isn't something a lot of people can get behind, and to be honest the notion that you seem to think you're some kind of victim or that you're totally helpless to control yourself is kind of hard for people to get behind as well… I mean, show some integrity.

    Now you're saying that it's actually not so bad and that you don't care about any of the advice that you asked for because you know yourself… it's like you're making yourself out to be a jerk and then getting upset when people call you out on it… if you look back at your original post as well as the title of this thread, it's kind of hard to not think that about you. And cheating is a shitty thing to do no matter how you look at it… especially when it's a random thing while your SO is at the same bar-- that's low no matter who you are or what kind of lifestyle you're living, and there's really no way that anyone could ever support that. I'm sure some people on this thread know how it feels to be cheated on.

    I'll admit that gay relationships often have different rules and open relationships are more common, but it doesn't sound to me like you were interested in the sex so much as just trying to hurt the guy so he'd go away. In fact, it sounds like that was what was turning you on. I don't think it's a personality disorder so much as it's passive aggression… which totally fits in with what you've just said and how you've described yourself. It's a pretty common thing-- women do it a lot, and even though it's mostly thought of as a feminine thing, guys do it too, especially feminine guys.

    I know how gay relationships are and because guys are so available to each other some gay guys are used to getting whatever they want and it can get to the point where they feel entitled and just assume you're up for it… some of them can even be complete tools about it, like it's not even supposed to be a big deal for you cuz you're just a homo and all homos want to have sex with any homo who wants to have sex with them. And this attitude extends beyond casual sex and affects relationships as well.

    And yes, it's pretty easy to just take a passive role and coast along and if the guy is a certain type of guy then he'll basically do all the work for you… and yeah, the sex pretty much always happens on the first date (sometimes before) and then there's a degree of comfort and commitment there and it's also pretty easy to just sit back and watch it turn into a relationship. But you're not committing, you're just letting him do everything… so when an opportunity presents itself, you feel like you should be allowed to do whatever you want, because you never made the commitment. I agree that these kinds of relationships are never fulfilling and you end up feeling smothered, or at the very least annoyed…

    I'm actually sort of the same way-- I can get pretty passive aggressive or even outright aggressive with things and I honestly think that some guys actually enjoy it, even when it's borderline abuse. I've never cheated on anyone, though… but that's mostly because I'm so afraid of diseases that it actually takes a lot for me to sleep with anyone… and most of the time when I do I'm terrified for weeks about it-- and it's not really something you can talk about without someone's feelings being hurt. So yeah, I suppose if I didn't have that I'd probably be more like you.

    AND even though I promised myself I wasn't going to bring it up, I do think it's interesting that in some people's minds casual sex for girls means 'letting someone use you' while casual sex for guys is 'using someone'… as if they're not using each other or as if girls can't be users just because they're seen as more passive… or maybe it's because some people seem to think that women are always the prey when it comes to sex?

    I know I sort of apologized for it but that was mostly just to avoid drama/argument and because the response just repeated what was said earlier and so didn't seem to bode well for future arguments-- but it would be interesting to hear how people feel about it now that we know it's a gay guy and not a girl. I'm willing to bet it will be people saying it's no different for the sake of their egos, while in their hearts they'll be thinking 'wow, that changes everything'.
  17. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    Right. First off, I think you've made a LOT of assumptions about me in that post. I wasn't turned on by the fact I was cheating. I wanted to break up with him for a while, but never had the balls. And with him telling me how happy I made him, that made it even more difficult. I think I made a post on here somewhere about how all the guys I've ever dated, I wasn't very physically attracted to - which is what made me date them, because I knew I couldn't really get hurt, and I had control. Not having control and being at risk of hurting is what scares me. Anyway - like I said, I've never dated a guy I was truly attracted to. With that in mind, and with the fact that I wanted to break up with my boyfriend, when I got 'cruised' at the gay bar - it was by a guy who I found to be extremely attracted - and he wanted me. For the first time in my life I knew someone wanted me who I was actually really attracted to. So I took him up on his offer, and it was probably one of the best experiences of my life. After that, I knew I had to break up with my boyfriend, so I did. I didn't tell my boyfriend what I did - so it's not like I got joy out of hurting him. I didn't go to the bar with the intention of cheating on him.

    Anyway, what you say about the assumptions people make about guys/girls, I 100% agree with. To add to that, it's like the 'girls who sleep around are sluts, and guys who sleep around can brag about it' thing. There is no 'using' in casual sex. Both are doing it because they want to, and I see NOTHING wrong with it at all. But peoples' views do generally seem to be unfairly distorted about this.

    Maybe I *am* a bad person. I think I'm just extremely careless. I'm not going to blame my behaviour on a disorder, but I do think it does explain a lot of the things I do.

    Anyway, everyone's entitled to their opinion. And I respect that.
  18. sadguy33

    sadguy33 Banned Member

    The answer is yes take that how you want. Many people on this forum are the ones being used or cheated on so don't think that anyone will feel sorry for you the abuser.

    PS saying that cheating is the best experience of your life isn't a good way to gain supporters.
  19. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    If you're not attracted to someone, don't get involved with them.
    Keep having casual encounters in bathroom stalls.

    I'm not so sure what you want to hear.
  20. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    I wasn't expecting anything, really. I just wanted to get it off my chest. And I've done that, so how about we just let this thread die now?
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