I got nothing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ellorian, Jun 24, 2012.

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  1. ellorian

    ellorian Well-Known Member

    methods talk by member... mod edit by jimk.. member probably not in a good place..
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 24, 2012
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    what's up ellorian?
    please don't do the wrong thing with any of those things you listed..
    why do you want to harm yourself? :hug:
  3. ellorian

    ellorian Well-Known Member

    Cos in 44 years there has only been one thing that has truly meant anything to me... and that, more correctly, she is gone

    So I got nothing except the means to maybe rejoin her

    Maybe tonight maybe some other night who knows and who cares
  4. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Sorry you are in such a bad place tonight..rather than taking your life please reach out for some professional help now..

    Crisis lines 1 800 suicide or 1 800 273 talk.. 911 or a hospital emergency room. Take car and try to stay safe now sir..
  5. ellorian

    ellorian Well-Known Member

    local hospital inapatient treatment center makes you want to die when you're there... been there

    phone lines are useless

    911 just leads to the emergency room

    sorry i mentioned methods will try to be more careful of that... tho maybe you won't need to worry about it for long
  6. Ash71

    Ash71 Well-Known Member

    Maybe tonight maybe some other night who knows and who cares[/QUOTE]

    I care and you know it. so lets just talk and get through tonight.
  7. ellorian

    ellorian Well-Known Member

    I need to stop talking, I just upset people. Maybe stop talking for good.

  8. Ash71

    Ash71 Well-Known Member

    Havent upset me, and you should stay here and talk to me
  9. ellorian

    ellorian Well-Known Member

    im sorry
    i guess i made it through the night alive if this cn be called alive
    but i know i cant make it through the 30th
    not alone like this
    voices on a phone or words on a screen arent enough
    i got nothing
    hell i dont even gor the energt to get dressed or to at least grab a slice of pizza or something so i at least have something to eat
    i got nothing
    thinking about resigning tomorrow
    i dont think i can face work anymore
    or face anything
    cant even correct or capitralize this
    just typing why dont know
    just wanted to saty you folks did manage t oget me thorough the night alive
    but i dont know thi can be called alive anymore
    sorry bye
  10. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    Hang on ellorian. Talk some more here or email me. You sound like a nice person going through a tough time. Tell us more. We've been there so you're not alone.
  11. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    You sound like you're primarily hurting due to a loss. I can feel your pain; my son left this world recently and I find each day is a struggle to move forward with. That said, we must continue on - our loved ones don't want us to be gone also. Memories of someone you love are what keep them alive. When you find that the pain is too great, you need to reach out. I hear you about voices on phones and words on computers... everybody has their necessary level to find assistance or comfort. Have you contacted anyone in person, professionally? It's hard to do anything alone. A baseball player cannot win a game by themselves. A captain cannot pilot an ocean liner alone. You need to find a team that can help you navigate life forward. You don't want to hear the words, "It will get better," but indeed it will. Perhaps not in the way that those who are happy experience it, but you can regain the strength to pave forward if you get some help when you're at your lowest points. Believe me, I live in your shoes (my child!) and I have, therefore, no reason to lie.
  12. ellorian

    ellorian Well-Known Member

    will it get better? can you absolutely guarantee that? no. for some it doesnt get better. for some it stays bad. yes for most it gets better but that is not guaranteed. you know what is guaranteed - if someone stays alive then they will feel pain/suffering again. getting better is a possibility suffering a guarantee.

    as to what my wife would have wanted, ive thought about that from every end cos its amazing how many people try to manipulate you with that one. perhaps there is a wonderful afterlife, the type believed of in some religions where you are reunited, where you heal, where you find peace and spend time assessing what you learned perhaps before being reborn. well in such a situation i see no reason to believe my wife would want anything other than for me to join her as soon as possible and no longer suffer. perhaps there is a wonderful afterlife but suicide is a sin that is not forgiven so you cant get there. you want to know the funny thing? most religions that believe that also seem to believe that if you dont exclusively follow their religion you cant get there either. well since i dont follow any of those (and since you cant follow each of them exclusively) the argument is moot. perhaps there is no afterlife like atheists suggest. then my wife is beyond wanting any more and frankly i might as well be dead anyhow.

    ones memories dont keep them alive. they keep them remembered. i know the difference. can i curl up with my wife when I hurt? can i take care of her when she is? can we make love in ways sexual and non-sexual? can we verbally encourage one another and share successes/support through failures? no? then shes not alive.

    i have professional help. i have an excellent therapist, but i only recently started seeing her and only in the last couple weeks has it become weekly. i cant see her more than weekly due to the way the county has screwed up the mental health system here (closing many county-supported mental health facilities meaning the people treated there are now dumped on others, overloading their caseloads). i have a couple of colleagues i consider trustworthy enough that i have opened up to them about this (i work in a mental health nonprofit) and i guess they do their best but theyre not people who can sit with me through this. and besides if i do quit work then theyre out of my life anyhow. meds therapy doesnt help me - have tried quite a few over a number of years but they have never helped and sometimes hurt. this is psychological pain. it is based in thoughts and beliefs not chemistry. i know the difference because my anxiety is both psychiatric and psychological as it responds to medical help. even my therapist doesnt disagree.

    i have dealt with depression since childhood, first time i made a suicide plan that i recall was about 9-10 years old. but now my wife is dead, the only person or thing that has given my life meaning ever, its in overdrive. now we are approaching her deathday, it seems unavoidable. i dont think there is enough help in the world now.
  13. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    ellorian I can hear your pain and I hope you can hold on and at least give your new therapist a chance to help..

    keep in mind that it's recommended in the first 2 years of grief that we don't make any major life decisions..

    i wonder if you have considered joining a support group in your area for bereaved people? perhaps a way to find others who can relate to your pain and loss.
    they have helped me get through some tough times

    I have a lifelong history of depression too and have only in the last 6 months found meds that actually seem to work for me so please don't give up on working with your doctor on treatment..

    I know it's a dark time for you but I'm wishing you can find hope again *hug*
  14. ellorian

    ellorian Well-Known Member

    i am a member of a hospice support group and it has been one piece in the safety net that has stopped me dying so far, but i cant say its enough any more

    no major life decisions huh? is starting a new job a major life decision cos i did that already - following the previous place i worked being closed down. so i already broke that rule. maybe i shouldnt have gotten another job. guess that goes back to me letting it go and resigning.

    as to giving my new therapist a chance... i am trying but thats the problem. i dont got the energy to try anymore. hell that might be what keeps me alive for now. im sitting here with at least two certain means and the knowledge to carry them out and im not doing anything. why? mostly cos i dont have the spiritual energy to do it right now. but thats affecting all my life now. i havent done laundry in 2 weeks so as of tomorrow ill be wearing all dirty clothes if i dont do it today. i havent managed to pay bills all month and i dont even know if i care that things might be shut off. if im not careful i could even lose my medicare which would mean my other insurance wouldn't have to pay anything either and id be without coverage. so what? i just dont have the enrgy to care anymore. about anything.
  15. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    Ellorian, I know no words are probably going to help - I just hope you'll stick it out - at least for a while. It's a cliche, but hang in there. I am not a religious person and just hope folks don't take their lives thinking they're going to a better place. It may sound mean, but my personal belief is when you die, you just cease to exist. You wont' know you're dead. You can still feel right now. I know about life long depression. It's rough. There are good times though. Hopefull there are still good times for you. I hope you won't give up right now. Know other people care.
  16. ellorian

    ellorian Well-Known Member

    yes ive considered the "there is no afterlife" possibility, im not stupid. if thats the case its all pretty much meaningless anyhow and i might as well be dead.
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