I got what I deserved...

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by zombieinc, Sep 21, 2011.

  1. zombieinc

    zombieinc Member

    Its been almost 2 months since she broke up with me, but it is still eating away at me. I still can't stop thinking about her even though I have had no contact with her for about a month.

    Im a 31 year old man that still lives in his parents basement. I have had no driving ambition in my life. I don't really have a passion for anything. Maybe I'm just afraid of living. I've had the same job for 15 years (I'm a manager at a fastfood chain). I'm also a loner. I have friends, but I only talk to them maybe once a week. I love being alone (at least I used too), and don't need as much companionship as alot of other people I know.

    For years I avoided relationships because I knew that a guy in my situation had no business being in one. That was until I met this unbelievable girl who basically had everything in common with me. We had a lot of the same personality quirks, and I found myself letting down my guard with her. I felt safe with her. I could be myself with her. She never judged me. I fell deeply in love with her. To me she was my soul mate. We became good friends for 3 years, and eventually I told her that I loved her. She felt the same way. It was an amazing time. I forgot about my life situation. I no longer thought of it in any sort negative light. I even asked her to move in with me. My intention was to live together until we could afford a place of our own (although I never told her that). She agreed to move in and seemed happy to.

    Im an idiot! Instead of doing everything I could to create a future with this girl, I fell back into my comfort zone. Sure she was an introvert with no ambition also and because of that some how I had convinced myself that she would be okay with our life. To make matters worse she never communicated that she ever had a problem with our lifestyle. She only ever seemed happy and deeply in love with me. I was liviing in my own world with this beautiful girl that I loved more than anything and to me life was perfect.

    Two years floated by. We never fought. We got along great. Then a few months ago' out of the blue she changed. Being the sensitive guy I am I noticed and confronted her about it. I just wanted to know what was going on with her, and help her. It turned out that she just wanted to go. I loved her so much and I cared deeply about her happiness so I gave her, her wish. That was it. No explantion from her. No closure. We talked a few times after the breakup, but it didn't make me feel better. I realized she wasn't going to give me closure. All she would say is she didn't know why she was doing it, but it seemed clear she no longer had the same feelings for me. I guess it turns out we had pretty big communication problems. I assume also that she found somebody else.

    So now I'm stuck in this prison of my own making. I am so ashamed of my life right now! I had no business taking our relationship to level that I did. I still have to grow up. All I can think about is how she is probably telling all her friends about how she is glad to be rid of a loser like me. It tears me up inside. It has motivated me to change. I am desperately looking for a new job, I am going back to school. I am thinking about volunteering. I want more than anything to just move out, but I cant afford it. I am trying to be more social. I want to prove to her that she made a huge mistake by leaving. But the way my life is right now, I know she made the right choice for her future, and that idea kills me. That I deserved to lose this love. It is so depressing. I am 31 and just now motivated to get my life together. I should have done this 10 years ago. Losing the person I have shared everything with, loved so deeply, had an intense connection with and knowing that I deserved it is probably one of the most painful experiences I have ever had. I don't know if I will ever find a girl like her again...
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu found one girl hun if you better your self you will find another girl perhaps even better hun one that will communicate with you one that will respect you for all you have done I hope you do keep trying hun to improveokay get out and meet more people do not fall back into that comfort zone of isolation because it is hell hun it is no way to live hugs
     
  3. zombieinc

    zombieinc Member

    Thanks for the reply. It makes me feel better! Right now I am in a prison of isolation. I loved my alone time before she came along. Now it feels forced upon me and a punishment. I try to be social now, but it doesn't really fill the void that she used to fill. Its better than nothing though.

    This was a big lesson for me, and I know now that I will have to get my act together to have a successful relationship and a future with someone. Or at least when a relationship ends I can hold my head high, instead of having a list of things that I can blame and hate myself for. That is truly horrible.
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Although I feel you are being a bit hard on yourself, I think your perceptions are refreshing and that someone who can view things as you have, has a great chance of success in the future...best of luck to you, and please keep us posted about how you are doing
     
  5. Daijou

    Daijou Well-Known Member

    It sounds a lot like you're going through a transition in your life right now, and it took the break up to make it happen. You want to change your lifestyle for the better, and you sound very motivated to do so, which is great and I'm sure you'll do fine. And like eclipse said, you'll find someone better to replace the girl you lost, all you have to do is keep moving forward.
     
  6. zombieinc

    zombieinc Member

    Thanks again for the replys. Sad eyes your compliment really touched me thank you! I will do my best to keep everyone posted about my situation. Hopefully it is only good news :biggrin:

    Daijou, it occured to me that maybe her leaving me might turn out to be one of the best things to ever happen to me. I have been trying to focus on that lately, and try to make that idea come true.
     
  7. Joshua2803

    Joshua2803 Well-Known Member

    Hey there bud. you know a bad break up is kind of like a cut on your body. you know that in time it will no doubt heal, but it hurts RIGHT NOW. if you had a physical cut you would attend to it. ( band-aids,cream,ect) you do the same to an emotional "cut" you can do this by doing two things. the first is to grieve. grieving is very imortant to the healing process. so dont bottle up your feelings. but dont confusing grieving for dwelling on the situition.the second is that you should take care of your physical health. whoch includes excercise and propper nutrition. this will help restore energy you lost in the emotional toll of a break up. this energy in turn can be used to get back up, and move on. even the bible says at 1 timothy 4:8 that bodily training is beneficial.
     
  8. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Hey zombie,I'm sorry for the loss of your relationship and I totally know how your feeling right now as you sound alot like me and i fucked up my relationship of 10yrs in pretty much similar style. I wish I could say it will get easier soon but I was still pining for her years afterwards. I hope you will find the strength to occupy your mind by making those changes you speak of,I didn't move on or get out there and do anything so no surprise that I still felt gutted years later. Take care and good luck
     
  9. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Best to forget about her - and if there are any traces of her around your pad - remove them - because you never split on amiable terms - and its HER fault not yours.

    Obviously her ambitions were there - every women has some ambition - some its just a full on campaign to shape you into her idea of the ideal man - other times very laid back - but either way she is looking for more than sitting at home watching TV I guess - and if you moved in together - was there discussion of having a family - because, even with birth control - if your active enough - she could easily get pregnant.

    Maybe moving in was a bad idea - your emotions let you give up your independence - although to be fair you spent a good three years getting to know her - you circled the camp - knew what you were heading for.

    But - whilst I always say 2 years is enough to know someone well enough to move in with someone - you got another 5 or so adjusting to each other. You make compromises - but NEVER let your heart rule your head and give up all your bad habits at once!

    Little things like NO!! - I won't stop playing guitar and NO - I don't care if its illegal!

    lol

    Well - better to have loved and lost than never loved at all! So they say - depends WHO you love actually - sometimes it better to have stayed in - not met her - and spent a few weeks recreating the Israel Palestine conflict. I hate it when that happens!

    But your woman seems to have just kind of made clear her intentions. It is her prerogative mate - to have that process and until a man marries a women - she will be thinking deeply about us! Endless lists ticked off - man its a complicated process - not even women can explain it - but they all have it. Men have a more simple process.

    WE cannot take it personal if we are not chosen. Well I've been lucky in that any time I have been dumped - its never got personal. Well - a few attempts to stir up jealousy - you know "my last boyfriend had a bigger guitar" - lol - but - I got to say - despite that - if your a man - NEVER walk away leaving a put down.

    And hey! on the bright side - if she stuck with you for two years - odds are you will in some bar by Christmas - like me - I'm a single guy. Even if you go out looking depressed - just dress neat - have a shave - be clean - and likely as not even if we get drunk - someone will take pity on us. We refuse! But - maybe feel a bit better. Maybe you can walk her home and kiss her at the door - like the good old days.

    At that point (if you hunted in the local pub) - ask your mates if everything is Kosher - well - my mates would always tell me if I was making some kind of bad judgement call.

    My bro - he would just tell me to take home ANY women - and will actively seek out ones he knows are going to annoy me - but because I'm nice - I'm not going to say "look - your 85 - no way honey!" I'll chat for a while - throw up some narrative that makes it cool to not be interested.

    So - your blessed in some ways mate - your woman left you - but not like some women - who would make it memorable - smash things up - actually you'd have stuck with her had she been like this as its the first women you lived with - and so you'd have put up with a lot. So - thank the God there! Amen to that bro - this could have been messy - I mean - life altering messy - but she done the right thing - she knew you were not the one - and like I say - we have to accept that - because marrying a woman who was not the one - will not work!

    Good luck mate - and try to remain sober and choose a women yourself - just hanging about until your chosen - its lazy really - and usually always leads to the kind of 'romance' which is done and dusted in 24 hrs.

    So - the next day - you will feel actually more alone!

    I hate it when that happens also!

    But being sober these days - I think I'm doing quite well - being good and so on - keeping away from the dubious charms of women who can 'judge' a guy is suitable whilst drunk - and in about one hour after dancing.

    You waited three years huh?

    Kind of like my plan - but you add a year on! Maybe we can meet halfway and say that 2 years 6 months is enough?

    But - my nephew moved in with his girl after 6 months - they got a child - and a lifetime commitment to each other or I'll kill him. She is sweet as - never will cheat - and what more can a man ask for?

    Well - maybe that she has a kind heart and a civil tongue also.

    Lots more - but I'm a perfectionist who lives alone - and its good living alone - no mess from kids! No kids! No women - no cry! You got to admit that - Bob Marley was right - and you should enjoy life if your single - because when you do marry - you WILL look back on those days with fondness!!

    And - maybe your parents basement is a comfort zone in some ways - but with the economy - MANY older sons and daughters have to do this. I mean IF you can afford a place of your own - she may have left anyhow!

    If you can afford to move out - then it would make it better as women usually have a real good nose around when they see our pads! Sure they do - who can blame them! Well if you got a decent place - tidy and clean - that is a mistake!!!!

    Make sure your humble abode is a little messy - leave a few guitars on the sofa and scatter CDs about - and see if she screws her face up - rolls her eyes or makes any kind of negative comment.

    We are looking for a women whose eyes light up at guitars and CDs - who says "don't worry about a little mess - you want to see my place"

    Each to their own - but if ever go into a home and it looks 'sterile' - like a show house you see - they decorate the show house - but never looks like anyone lives there!

    Seen a few homes like that - makes me uncomfortable - as you look for ashtrays - and then comes the... "We don't smoke in here" (they live alone and speak in plurals! - or worse - hand over their preferences for you to adopt! - fatal mistake brothers!)

    A home so neat - if you dropped the tiniest bit of dust on the floor - it would stand out!!! Some women - are so house-proud - you need your own room - because you cannot change that kind of mindset.

    But women with kids - well - its a lot more relaxed in that home and has to be so. It looks like a home - well lived in - stuff everywhere - you go to sit down and there is a play station there - and toys behind the cushions and lots of ashtrays.

    Drop the dust - lol - nobody notices and life is too short - I think - to bother being tidy. Clean - yes! Tidy No! - Sounds like a chant for a political demo of annoyed men!

    Clean yes!
    Tidy no!

    Or...

    Hell no
    we won't mow!

    Alternatively...

    1-2-3-4
    We won't take off our shoes no more!
    5-6-7-8
    you can clean the cat litter tray!

    Er - forgot what the issue was now?

    Oh yes - your women left you!

    But she never slashed your clothes and has not posted up on facebook that you were 'useless' and 'a great lover to his own self' - lucky that really - you know how things can get.

    Well - at least you opened up to her mate. She moved in - so at least you got the sense to spot a good women - take your time knowing her and basically seeing if you were marriage material. I mean women know if they are not right for us - as well as seeing we are not right for them. Most men - are bad at accepting it if a woman makes a choice - glad you never chose to cry too much to her - or make her feel any worse than she will feel. Parting on good terms - its a nice thing to do - like an act of kindness you have to force - but follow the code and stick to it - never put a women down - and things will always work out because she will have good words about you - which means other women will have some idea of your nature.

    If you went ballistic on her - she would obviously have to say you were immature - unstable - not good for women in general. but your a good man - and its worth staying alive because plenty of women need men like us!

    You got to look in the mirror - point at yourself - wink and believe that whoever gets us is blessed!

    Well - lol - blessed in some ways for sure!

    Like you - ambition is not a big thing on my list. I mean practical ambitions - I got those on the back-burner and my dreams on the front-burner.

    And I do too many good things in life for me to have to change how I am.

    Regards.

    hope some of this helped - if only to make you think about something else perhaps!

    or wonder what I'm actually going on about sometimes.

    But it makes sense in the end. The seeds are planted if you read this far.