I hate doing these sort of things, but I think I need to speak to someone, anyone.. so here it goes. I'm 18, and I live in Manchester, England. I don't quite know what I'm suffering from, but I know they aren't thoughts that should be going through my head, and I need to sort myself out. I've been referred to a psychologist before, but I wimped out of it and decided not to go, thinking what ever problems I may have had will sort themselves out. I'm the youngest of 2 children, although my brother didn't live with me until I turned 13. I lived with my mum and dad, and grew up watching a violent and psychologically abusive father terrorising everyone in his path, mainly my mother, but sometimes me too. I didn't want people to think badly of me, so I carried on regardless but you know.. it's hard? Feeling like you have no one to turn to, all the nights I sat up in my bed, hearing my mother scream and scream and having to mope up her tears, and the blood... it's all so vivid.. being scared of footsteps, wondering who's next in line. Things only got worse when my brother moved in with us, my dad channelled his hate for him. Still I battled on... but now, here I am, feeling just as alone and lost as I've always been. All my friends went to university this september but I was advised to take a gap year to take stock of what's happened, and sort myself out mentally. This has only led to me feeling more alienated, and more alone than ever before. I have no one to turn to when I need to cry and just keep crying... I have no one who can take my hand and tell me everything will be okay. I'm going through an intense period of self-loathing, I'm fairly convinced I am unlovable, and no one will ever feel anything for me. Why would they? If I was someone else I wouldn't want to be friends with me so I don't blame anyone. I just seem to make the people who care about me hate me, and the people who don't like me, dislike me even more. I wish I could find it in me to be happy, I miss the days of reckless abandon, I know I'm young and I've not had much life experience, but the sunny days driving with my friends free of any trouble, made me think.. I could have a normal life, I can if I tried. But I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of feeling like a burden to just about everyone I come across, and I'd love nothing more than to sleep and carry on sleeping. I've not experienced everything in life that I would want to, I've never fallen in love, and I've never been loved in return. There was one person.. one I've fallen for harder than anyone, and he's special. The feelings I had for him have made him most likely dislike me. Saying that, I don't want him to know me now, I don't want any of my friends to see me now. I just.. wish to disappear, evaporate. I'm sat here in tears, listening to Fire and Rain by James Taylor... it's a good song. I'm so so sorry for venting all my feelings here but I'm just about ready to snap.. not sure how or when or why, but it's slowly coming. I'm not sure what to do, and that scares me.