I guess an introduction is in order...

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by fillmore-jive, Oct 29, 2009.

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  1. fillmore-jive

    fillmore-jive New Member

    I hate doing these sort of things, but I think I need to speak to someone, anyone.. so here it goes.

    I'm 18, and I live in Manchester, England. I don't quite know what I'm suffering from, but I know they aren't thoughts that should be going through my head, and I need to sort myself out. I've been referred to a psychologist before, but I wimped out of it and decided not to go, thinking what ever problems I may have had will sort themselves out.

    I'm the youngest of 2 children, although my brother didn't live with me until I turned 13. I lived with my mum and dad, and grew up watching a violent and psychologically abusive father terrorising everyone in his path, mainly my mother, but sometimes me too. I didn't want people to think badly of me, so I carried on regardless but you know.. it's hard? Feeling like you have no one to turn to, all the nights I sat up in my bed, hearing my mother scream and scream and having to mope up her tears, and the blood... it's all so vivid.. being scared of footsteps, wondering who's next in line. Things only got worse when my brother moved in with us, my dad channelled his hate for him. Still I battled on... but now, here I am, feeling just as alone and lost as I've always been.

    All my friends went to university this september but I was advised to take a gap year to take stock of what's happened, and sort myself out mentally. This has only led to me feeling more alienated, and more alone than ever before. I have no one to turn to when I need to cry and just keep crying... I have no one who can take my hand and tell me everything will be okay. I'm going through an intense period of self-loathing, I'm fairly convinced I am unlovable, and no one will ever feel anything for me. Why would they? If I was someone else I wouldn't want to be friends with me so I don't blame anyone. I just seem to make the people who care about me hate me, and the people who don't like me, dislike me even more. I wish I could find it in me to be happy, I miss the days of reckless abandon, I know I'm young and I've not had much life experience, but the sunny days driving with my friends free of any trouble, made me think.. I could have a normal life, I can if I tried. But I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of feeling like a burden to just about everyone I come across, and I'd love nothing more than to sleep and carry on sleeping.

    I've not experienced everything in life that I would want to, I've never fallen in love, and I've never been loved in return. There was one person.. one I've fallen for harder than anyone, and he's special. The feelings I had for him have made him most likely dislike me. Saying that, I don't want him to know me now, I don't want any of my friends to see me now. I just.. wish to disappear, evaporate.

    I'm sat here in tears, listening to Fire and Rain by James Taylor... it's a good song. I'm so so sorry for venting all my feelings here but I'm just about ready to snap.. not sure how or when or why, but it's slowly coming. I'm not sure what to do, and that scares me.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi welcome to the forum I hope you are seeing a psychologist someone who can talk with you about your past the violence you saw. You are only 18 you have lots of time to develop relationships and if you get therapy those relationships will be strong because you will have developed the skills you need to deal with your past and cope with your emotions. I am glad you are venting here Keep venting keep talking to us we care I do believe therapy and meds are useful in getting rid of the depression get professional help okay now while you are still young.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi, welcome to the forum :)
  4. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to sf. :biggrin:
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum. I would say that if you have not yet found the courage to see that psychologist, do so now. What you are dealing with is very difficult to do on your own. We will do what we can to support you, but you need to have as much support from as many places as you can get. Glad to have you here. :shake:
  6. Tim.

    Tim. SF Emoti-King

    Thanks for posting your story. It sounds like you've been through a lot, and have been tough enough to get through.

    I really hope that you can get into a better situation. At first glance, it seems like you've been hit hard by the one you're in, but you're not a bad or weak person.

    Thanks for posting the song at the end. I turned it on in youtube and enjoyed it.
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums... Is there anyone else you can live with?? If not maybe geta job so you can get a flat of your own..Being around your fathers temper can really drag you down..Can you confide in your mom that you need to see a therapist?? I agree with the others that you need that extra support.. You will learn coping skills..And not to discount your positive thoughts..Keep posting and we will show you all the support we can... Take Care!!
  8. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    hey welcome to the forum :)
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