I guess I always knew I'd be back here, again...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gwalchmei, Sep 11, 2010.

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  1. gwalchmei

    gwalchmei Well-Known Member

    Recently had an altercation with my (now ex-) fiancee's son...
    I was over at my fiancee's watching our daughter.
    My fiancee's son was harming my son, so I defended my son. Now, my fiancee has threatened to take away what little custodial rights I have to our daughter.
    My son's mother and I share joint custody of our son. So he is with me one week, her the next.
    His week with me is almost up - he will go to his Mom's at the beginning of next week.
    I'm going to go through with it, this time. I have alot more resolve than I had when I used to post here. It will be an easy matter to self-terminate.
    I know my fiancee will do nothing but put me through hell. She drove her son's father to suicide many years ago - mostly by efforts to extract money out of him. When she discusses it, she expresses no remorse over the loss of the man. She expresses extreme anger that she couldn't get any money out of him, and extreme anger that the authorities were not willing to exhume his body to get a DNA test to prove he was her son's father.
    I know she will go to any length to get more money out of me. I already pay her child support, plus provide my wonderful, amazing daughter with health insurance. I also take care of our daughter anywhere from two to four times a week (more, if my fiancee asks). I give my fiancee anything she asks for on behalf of our daughter.
    I am tired of all of this. My ex-wife is giving me grief. I work two jobs. I have to also help support my mother. I don't mind the weight - it is trivial enough to shoulder - but I do mind the abandonment. I do mind going to every effort for those I love, just to have them try to destroy me; to have them try to rip the only two things that mean anything to me away from me - namely, my son and my daughter.
    I am tired. I have begged the Lord repeatedly to take me home. He won't do it. I therefore am going to have to do it, myself. I wish I could think of something painless, but considering the fact that all of my life I have known nothing but unending, unbearable-for-anyone-else pain, I guess I should just suck it up and take the plunge.
    I want to die. I am eager to die. Maybe I can leave my children with some good insurance money. It would be better than having a loser bum as a father.
    I never thanked all of you here who helped me, properly. I know all of you went to great lengths to be there for me. You are all angels, and I pray that God will bless each and every one of you to the fullest.
    I love you all.
     
  2. gwalchmei

    gwalchmei Well-Known Member

    P.S.
    I will wait until my son goes to his mom's before I do it. That way, he doesn't have to wake up to a dead body...
    I am looking forward to this. I really look forward to it. I am eager for it.
    There's a little place in the mountains in the area where I live where I can go, and self-terminate, and no one will find me for weeks (or even at all). I have just thought up a few candidate methods, but if I share them here they will get deleted.
    This is endgame. I can't afford another legal battle with my now-ex-fiancee... I don't want my son to have what is rightfully his taken away, and what is rightfully my daughter's squandered away on lawyers in some petty legal battle.
    I have worked hard, done my best, and done my utmost to provide for my family. I have acquitted myself well.
    I can be at peace, then, with self-termination.
    I think my children will be better off without me...
     
  3. raindrop

    raindrop Well-Known Member

    I am sorry that you feel so bad. Your kids will not be better of without you. They will be devistated. Your kids will need you whether or not you have visitation. Try and hold on for a while and maybe things will change. Please take care. Stay for the kids.
     
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I really hope you don't go through with this....your children need their father and you are definately not better off without you....and you are not a loser bum...
    you are going above and beyond being a good father and son....
    don't let your ex win....she sounds like a nasty piece of work..
    doesn't sound like a nice person to leave your children with on a permanent basis...
    I know you're in pain but don't give up ok..
     
  5. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I'm going to have to be a little bit tough on you here, but if it works, it's worth it.

    If this woman is as bad as you make her out to be, she drove her ex husband to suicide and she drives you to it as well, I can bet she'll do the same to your kids too if you're not around to help prevent it.

    Stick around for their sake. Protect them from her.
     
  6. Marky

    Marky Member

    Gwalchmel - you have to realise what a devastating effect this will have on your Son. And how you may very well destroy his little life with this decision.

    You can certainly make things better, whatever you have done in the past. Please think it through, and don't take the wrong decision to take your life. Because you bore him you have a responsibility not just his physical well-being, but his emotional well-being. Please don't forget this, your suicide will solve nothing and leave you with nothing to contribute.
     
  7. gwalchmei

    gwalchmei Well-Known Member

    I guess I put on blinders to that. I was so obsessed with providing a full family to my children - something I never had - that I didn't think straight when I hooked up with her...
    She has told me in the past how she has been willing to make up stories about someone to get them into trouble.
    That is basically what happened, last night. I was feeding my daughter last night, and he became violent with my son, I broke it up, he became violent with me, and I headlocked him (which is all I did. The way I performed the headlock completely immobilized him.
    He basically got angry that he didn't "win the fight", started screaming and cursing and threatening to "call the cops". His mom actually did.
    I think they were under the impression that I would be "cuffed and stuffed", carted off downtown, and in the process of my prosecution and the civil court action I'm sure she would have her relatives file on her behalf (I basically have to support her household monetarily), she would make off with everything I have (including my son and daughter's college savings, which she has repeatedly asked me to raid).
    The cops, instead, talked to him, talked to me, asked me if I was staying the night (I obviously said "no"), and left. I was not arrested, my son and I went home. I could hear my daughter screaming and crying the entire time in my ex-fiancee's trailer...
    I feel really terrible about saying this, but her son is a monster. He is verbally and mentally abusive, and physically violent to his mother, my son, and myself. He is 14 and is now the size and strength of a full-grown adult, so when he hits people, it actually does them harm.
    So far, he hasn't harmed my daughter (I am told that it's probably because he doesn't consider her a threat to his dominance of the household)...
    I can't find a single redeeming quality in him. Most people will take their soon-to-be-stepson places, do things with him like sports, etc. But I can't stand being around him. He's a jerk to everyone if I take him out anywhere. And nothing anyone ever does on his behalf is ever good enough for him. I get him two game systems - he breaks one, and when I gave him those systems (and associated games) he got mad that I didn't give him more... He has a throat like an open grave - never satisfied...
    I have, in the past, been trying to help his mom in strategies to get him at least under some control. Half the time, he acts like he is possessed.
    She does nothing but enable him. And when he hurts her, she just cries to others to deal with him - only when we try to deal with him, either her or her mother lectures anyone trying to get him under control for how they are doing it...
    I fear for my daughter's safety, but right now, my hands are legally tied. That's what is most frustrating.
    I wish my daughter could live with me and my son permanently, and not those two demented, psychotic fruitbats who frankly deserve each other.
     
  8. gwalchmei

    gwalchmei Well-Known Member

    The hurt is getting much, much worse now...
    My ex-fiancee let me talk to my daughter for a little bit... She seemed really happy to hear from me...
    I miss her sooo much!!! I'm trying to be strong for my son, but I feel like I'm dying, inside...
    It's as if all my strength were draining from me... It is really hard to be the strong man I used to be, and it's really hard not to want to go through with it, next week...
    I'm tired of hurting. Everybody hurts - but from the people I've seen around me, I kinda get the feeling that God has my number, or something...
    I am finding it difficult to not want to self-terminate this Monday...
    It would be so easy - a momentary pain, and then it would be over...
    I am slipping into darkness... I need help...
     
  9. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Get help. Seek the help you need. But for God sake do not do this to your children. It will hurt them more than you can imagine.
     
  10. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    IV2010: I really hope you don't go through with this....your children need their father and you are definately not better off without you....and you are not a loser bum...
    you are going above and beyond being a good father and son....
    don't let your ex win....she sounds like a nasty piece of work..
    doesn't sound like a nice person to leave your children with on a permanent basis...
    I know you're in pain but don't give up ok..

    IV and Kazine is right. You need to stay alive to protect your children from their mother. You need to stay alive to protect your son from his bigger brother. If you die, you no longer can do anything about it.


    And this is good advice:
    Marky:Gwalchmel - you have to realise what a devastating effect this will have on your Son. And how you may very well destroy his little life with this decision.

    You can certainly make things better, whatever you have done in the past. Please think it through, and don't take the wrong decision to take your life. Because you bore him you have a responsibility not just his physical well-being, but his emotional well-being. Please don't forget this, your suicide will solve nothing and leave you with nothing to contribute.


    And this below,
    Raindrop: I am sorry that you feel so bad. Your kids will not be better of without you. They will be devistated. Your kids will need you whether or not you have visitation. Try and hold on for a while and maybe things will change. Please take care. Stay for the kids.
     
  11. Louis03

    Louis03 Well-Known Member

    Doesn't sound like you're a loser bum of a father. Sounds like you're a man taking care of his responsibilities and who loves his children. As someone who doesn't have kids and who has given up on life in a lot of ways I can't imagine, and don't think I will know, what that's like to have such a powerful reason to live as your children are. They need you.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 12, 2010
  12. gwalchmei

    gwalchmei Well-Known Member

    Feel a bit more stabilized, now.
    My ex-fiancee and I are going to meet at 4 this afternoon (at a neutral location) so that I can see and play with my daughter. I can only hope my ex-fiancee (I keep saying that to distinguish her from my ex-wife) doesn't cause a scene... I'm seriously afraid of that - but I want so desperately to see my little girl!!!
     
  13. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear you're feeling better. Hope you choose to stick around.
     
  14. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    I am glad that you are feeling better. Let us know how things went with your little girl today.
     
  15. Marky

    Marky Member

    …and that's the reason that you got to stick around gwalchmel. Whatever terrible pain you are feeling, remember that doing what you are considering is a terribly selfish act. Try and stay strong please, not just for you - but for the future, and for them. If you love your daughter, the most valuable gift you can give her is to be strong for her right now.

    And please try and get some help, as Kazine says. Try and try until you get the help you need. If you are going to meet them, don't allow any adults behavior to destroy your resolve.
     
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