So I have been ill lately. Had to go to hospital 1 week ago today for a medical procedure that I needed to be knocked out for. So fairly big deal. Friday evening, my Mom calls. She was curious if I had any results back yet. (BTW) nothing official but all looks good. I then made the fatal mistake of asking her how she is doing. She then railed on me, like a ton of bricks. Saying crap like, I almost died 3 times last year and you never ONCE asked me how I was doing. And even your father died without knowing if you loved him. BTW that stuff about my Dad is crap as she told me at his funeral how he knew I loved him. It got to the point in the conversation where I had to tell her that the conversation was going south and I had to end the call. MY LIFE IS VERY FRAGILE. I LIVE DAY TO DAY, AND ON SOME DAYS, HOUR TO HOUR. I HAVE POOR PHYSICAL HEALTH, BAD TEETH, POOR MENTAL HEALTH AND EVEN WORSE FINANCIAL HEALTH. It seemed like my mom was pouring salt onto an open wound. BUt then the weekend came. I had many hours of solitude while in my car delivering pizzas to the mass sea of humanity, and all I could think of was how badly I behaved when I ended that call. Maybe it's true. Maybe I am a bad son. I have only visited once to her new place since she moved in 6 months ago. I dont call her nearly enough. Of course I do work 2 jobs and have a family of my own to do my best at. All I know is that as my thoughts got the better of me, I realized that perhaps I am not just a bad son, but perhaps a bad person? That's when I started having suidical ideation again.