I Guess I Am A Bad Son

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Godsdrummer, Feb 6, 2012.

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  1. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    So I have been ill lately.

    Had to go to hospital 1 week ago today for a medical procedure that I needed to be knocked out for. So fairly big deal.

    Friday evening, my Mom calls. She was curious if I had any results back yet. (BTW) nothing official but all looks good.

    I then made the fatal mistake of asking her how she is doing.

    She then railed on me, like a ton of bricks. Saying crap like, I almost died 3 times last year and you never ONCE asked me how I was doing. And even your father died without knowing if you loved him.

    BTW that stuff about my Dad is crap as she told me at his funeral how he knew I loved him.

    It got to the point in the conversation where I had to tell her that the conversation was going south and I had to end the call.



    It seemed like my mom was pouring salt onto an open wound.

    BUt then the weekend came. I had many hours of solitude while in my car delivering pizzas to the mass sea of humanity, and all I could think of was how badly I behaved when I ended that call.

    Maybe it's true. Maybe I am a bad son. I have only visited once to her new place since she moved in 6 months ago.

    I dont call her nearly enough. Of course I do work 2 jobs and have a family of my own to do my best at.

    All I know is that as my thoughts got the better of me, I realized that perhaps I am not just a bad son, but perhaps a bad person? That's when I started having suidical ideation again.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    From reading previous threads/posts you've made, I think your mother is inconsistent in what she says and does. Every time you call or visit her, you probably wonder "What will she be like today?" That's pretty stressful, especially when it's a loved one, and we are trying to be good to them. It was probably in your best interests (and your mother's too) to end the call before things got really out of hand. Good for you for stopping it from escalating. :)

    As you noted, I think you have other responsibilities in your life atm that are more immediate priorities for basic survival. You're a good person, Bill. :)
  3. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    Your mother sounds a bit like mine. My whole life she has been putting blame on others around her, especially on me. Always made me feel responsible for everything that went wrong (even back when I was 7 years old and just started school, it was my own fault I got bullied). She even went as far as blaming me for her suicide attempt because I had been fighting with my girlfriend and it made her feel bad (got a call from my dad who asked me if "I'm happy now?").

    Just remember that mothers are people too and suffer from the same problems as everyone else, they aren't always supportive and understanding like you'd want them too. From my point of view there really isn't such a thing as a bad son/daughter, only bad parenting. I don't mean that your mom is a bad person (hope you didn't get that from my post). Just remember that neither are you.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Sounds like your mother gets angry, lashes out at you for things when she shouldn't. From what you've said, I doubt you're a bad son. I think how you ended that call is good, and I wish I had the sense to do that instead of retaliating against someone when they say stuff like that.

    You have a lot on your plate, and she doesn't seem to get that. Always sounds like it's about her. That isn't fair on you. And making that comment about your dad was pretty low on her part.
  5. roksy

    roksy Well-Known Member

    I wrote a long post but I have no idea where it went.

    It is not your fault that your mom railed on you.
  6. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Thanks guys!
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