I guess I'm NOT alone....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ASUGMM, May 5, 2012.

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    ASUGMM New Member

    Things are extremely bad right now. I'll go into that in a bit......

    I've been looking through several of the threads here and see so many people having much the same issues that I have and that's NOT comforting. Absolute, complete and total despair, no end of the pain in sight. I've been depressed for the better part of 40 years. I've asked for help many times over the years and doctors simply treated me as another source of income. They did absolutely nothing to ease the depression other than prescribe pill after pill after pill after pill after pill after pill. I won't take that path again. In my opinion the entire medical profession exists only to make them rich. They could care less about us as people. We are a Mercedes payment and nothing else. I'm certain I have a dollar sign tatoo on my forehead that only doctors can see. I hope there is a special place in Hell for them right next to lawyers!

    As I said, I've been severely depressed most of my life. I had encephalitis as a baby and most likely have some brain damage as a result. I suffered from seizures during my early teens and was heavily medicated to the point of eventual (doctor prescribed) overdose with Phenobarbital and Dilantin . During that period the depression started quickly creeping in. I became very introverted. I started shying away from friends and staying more to myself. As I aged I was the cause of many failed friendships and relationships with women. I managed to somehow stay married for 18 years and was a big source of misery for my now ex wife and children. I can't believe they still talk to me! I would love to somehow make it up to them for all those years of having to deal with me being such a drain on the family unit. If I'm allowed only one regret in my life it is not being a good husband and father that my ex wife and kids had to live with for so many years. They really, really, really, really didn't deserve to be stuck with me!

    As I continue to progress through my depression it becomes harder to show or even accept love or affection of any kind even though I have feelings inside me that I'm incapable of expressing. I live alone now. I have no friends outside of work. When someone tries to befriend me I find excuses not to be able to get together with them. My phone never rings. I have nobody to call if I need help. I've lived in the same place for 10 years now and I don't know any of my neighbors. I have video cameras set up on either side of the house so I check and won't go outside if there is a chance I might run into them and may have to interact with them. I'm so pathetic!

    My problems "today"........ 4 years ago along with 600 others I was a victim of (VERY well known big box retailer) corporate downsizing. I went from over $70,000 income to unemployment for 18 months. I was too proud to apply for unemployment benefits and used up all of my savings and what was left of my 401K after the stock market tanked. I finally got hired at a local university for just over one third what I used to make. I've had to struggle paycheck to paycheck along with using a credit card to make ALL food purchases because I don't make enough to cover the basics. After 2 years at this job my debt is climbing at an alarming rate. This alone continually stresses me almost to the breaking point.

    Lately I've been having some health issues. Specifically heart related. (Most likely stress related) I seldom sleep more than 3 hours at a time and when I do it's usually filled with bad dreams just short of nightmares. After weeks of tests costing me hundreds of dollars (that I had to put on the credit card) in co-pays the cardiologist recommended light duty and gave me a note to give to my employer. I now wish I hadn't given it to them! I got word today that they have made the decision that they can not accommodate the doctors suggestions that I shouldn't climb stairs if it can be avoided. The university has put me on indefinite unpaid leave of absence!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is total, complete and utter financial devastation for me that I can never recover from. They didn't confer with me or the doctor for specifics. They simply made a knee jerk reaction to cover their asses. The cardiologist has told me my problem is not a precursor to a heart attack and I'm not in any risk of one. I'm in the process of trying to get that suggestion rescinded so I can go back to work. Because it's the weekend nothing can happen until Monday morning. If the doctor won't change the work restriction or the university doesn't accept it then I'm done. As in there is no future for me. I'm in my mid 50's. I have health issues. I have no savings. I'll have no income. There are NO jobs out there. I'll have only two options. Standing on a corner begging for quarters or simply ending it all. At this point I'll choose ending it all. I'm not afraid of dieing. In fact I wish my cardiac issues would bring it on. I would welcome the peace that would come from some real rest without bad dreams.

    I'm sure we've all thought about taking our own lives at some point in time or just wished for a quick and painless end to it all in our sleep. I know I have. Then things improve and we move on for a while until the next episode of total despair. Truly an endless loop for those of us with deep depression. I think I've finally reached the end of what I can take. It all hinges on whether or not I go back to work Monday. If I don't then my world crumbles around me. If I have nothing left I still have my pride. I refuse to lose everything I've worked so hard for all my life just to "exist" on a street corner begging for spare change and rotten food I find in a garbage can. "existing" is not living. I don't want to have to take yet another step into the abyss of depression that particular move will entail.

    I sincerely apologize for making my first post here such an excruciatingly long and probably hard to decipher ramble of a truly diseased mind. 3/4 of a bottle of Tequila has probably loosened me and allowed me to contribute a bit to to me making a little sense as well. I haven't done any serious drinking in quite some time. I'm simply trying to deal with the hopeless situation at hand and alcohol helps to dull the senses so I have to take it to excess right now. I'm still (kind of) in control of my faculties though. I have two plans of action as of this writing. Everything will be straightened out and I'll go to work on Monday and I'll schlep through life again for a while or they'll "prove" whose boss and overturn my request. If they do that then I'll probably be on the mid day news as I'll call the local news channel to offer an "exclusive". I will make every effort to commit suicide on campus in such a way as to to bring shame on my employer for having such a total lack of human compassion. I'm not the only one. They've done this to many others. I do have a .38 pistol. I'm certain a well placed shot will end it all hopefully with little pain. I just hope it will be spectacular enough to cost the bastards a ton of their precious money in P.R. Maybe I should look for some hollow points this weekend. All I have right now is ball ammo. That may leave the job unfinished......

    If I post on late Monday then you'll know that everything went OK and I still have a job. I have NO intentions whatsoever of harming anyone human being in any way other than myself so nobody has anything to worry about. If you don't see a post from me Tuesday night then I hope you watched the news to find out who I really am, I'll be gone and resting peacefully..........

  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I just wanted you to know that I've read your post, and I'm so sorry for what you're being put through.

    I really hope you get your job back, because what they've done to you is unfair; but if worst comes to worst and you don't, can you collect unemployment?

    Here if you feel like talking.
  3. Whispers

    Whispers Banned Member

    Hello, ASUGMM. I read through what's bothering you and would like to talk to you and discuss this in more detail. Believe it or not, I see hope with you. As evidence of your post, you have a lot to say. Would love to hear it. I'm a good listener and maybe I as well as other members could help you through this dark time. Life gets better. It doesn't seem so now, but it's because you can't see the forest for the trees.

    You mention quite a lot going on in your life. How about swinging by the chat rooms and talking to us in real time. If you are emberassed to speak openly, you can privately message me in the chat room. Would be honored to talk to you.

    If you only want to talk here, that is fine as well. Why don't you start by telling me about your current financial situation since that is something we need to remedy now. I can work with you on some sort of budget so your're not using credit cards and can live within your means. After that we can delve deeper and tackle the more emotional issues you're dealing with.

    ASUGMM New Member

    Thanks for your kind words of support. Now that I've had a day to calm down and the Tequila has almost worn off I can try to get a more positive feeling. It's not working yet but I'm trying. Maybe my lottery ticket will be a winner tonight or maybe they'll become human and let go back to work Monday. That will only help the immediate situation though. The depression is something that doesn't go away. Re-reading my first post kind of scared me. I've had many thoughts of dieing but never really planned it out like I did last night. Unfortunately it still may end up being my only option. We'll see how this all works out.
  5. Rainfall

    Rainfall Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you're better now, but we'll always be here if things do turn for the worse again.
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