I guess its time...

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by armygirl, Sep 29, 2016.

  1. armygirl

    armygirl Member

    I've been lurking around here for a few weeks...and its been a particularly hard night, so I guess I should share..

    The suicidal thoughts are nothing new as I have dealt with them throughout my life and starting from my teenage years. Back when I was young, the thoughts were more about harming my abuser (mother) and then myself..

    Since adulthood, the thoughts have centered upon myself. As my username refers, I was in the Army. I am a combat vet and did a tour in Iraq in 2003 during the invasion. I suffer from PTSD, Anxiety, Bipolar II, and OCD.

    I am not new to depression websites, but many of the old sites have dwindled..I found this site because, once again, I have sunk to a low place. It's a long story, but after many years of struggling to get my head above water, I had finally somewhat succeeded when I was hit with some medical issues this year. I lost everything and had to move in with my mother, which is where I am at now..I am physically stuck for the time being, and the emotional abuse has been constant since we (me and my dogs) have been here since May. Its just like childhood minus the physical abuse, although threats have been made..and honestly when she says "I will kick you in the head" it triggers "that place in childhood" again, except scarier, as I am not so certain that I have the control as back then if she lays a hand on me because of my combat experience...even the mere threats make me rise up in posture and it takes every ounce of my being to restrain myself..It's a dangerous line as her verbal actions make me have flashbacks from childhood and her physical actions make me think about Iraqis coming at me...and at the moment it completely fries my brain..

    Thank God that thoughts of my dogs flash into my mind at the moment and keep me from doing bad things in response..My dogs are my kids, and even they are not free from the verbal abuse..its a vicious circle every day...I work my ass off around here doing what I can (and then some) jeopardizing the recovery from my surgery just to have some sort of peace, and each time there is more bitching about what needs to still be done, and how the job I did could have been done better...and I am no slacker, its good solid work...and when I get done with that I get to play maid and servant the rest of the night..and if I don't comply then its constant abuse until she gets her way...I should be used to it, it's always been this way anytime I have had her in my life...

    Anyway, I've rambled..its just so much..things look bleak, even my dogs are weary..I just don't know..the only thing that keeps me hanging on is I will not leave this earth without my dogs, and I can't see harming them to take them with me (they have no one else to take care of them)..but it is a constant thought..
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Armygirl, my names Brian and welcome to the forum. It sounds like you're in a crap situation through no fault of your own. Getting away from your mother would be the best plan, but I know you already know that. Is there any chance the VA would assist you with your medical expenses or therapy for your PTSD? Probably a stupid question as I'm sure you've tried.
    I'm glad you have your dog kids, my German Shepherd is what keeps me going, there's just the two of us so we look after each other. Glad you decided to join in, sometimes just posting your feelings helps get some of the pressure off. Also, there's a treatment called EMDR something to do with eye movement therapy, it's supposed to work really well with PTSD, I'm sure if you google it, it will come up. I read about it awhile back and some therapists are using it with almost instant results. Hope everything gets better for you, stay around and take care of these dogs, I like dogs better than people.
  3. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

  4. Feinmharu

    Feinmharu Tortured Mind


    Welcome to SF.. And secondly thank your for your service. Almost my entire family has been in the military. My cousin used to be in the marines.. if I remember correctly, he got hit by an I.E.D. It has taken him a lot of time to get back to where he is now. I hope that we are able to help you in your time of need.

  5. armygirl

    armygirl Member

    Thanks Brian, I will be sure to look into the EMDR link. I can totally relate to liking my dogs better than people. After my last failed relationship 6 years ago, I had finally decided that I had enough with the relationship thing. Now I am content just to have my dogs..its amazing how enjoyable that can be!!

    Thanks for the welcome, Billy..It helps just to have a place to let things out and vent a bit.
  6. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I'm sorry you're in such a bad situation. My dogs are my kids too, we can all relate to that. I don't presume to know what your medical problems are, but I can say that if anyone abused my pets, in anyway, physical, verbal, I'd be long gone. I'm sure moving back with your abuser was a last resort. What would you have done if you didn't have your mother in your life? Maybe that's something to think about, that you'd have to find another way and not live with her? Anyway, just a thought. I hope you can find somewhere else to live. Take care. xx