I've been lurking around here for a few weeks...and its been a particularly hard night, so I guess I should share.. The suicidal thoughts are nothing new as I have dealt with them throughout my life and starting from my teenage years. Back when I was young, the thoughts were more about harming my abuser (mother) and then myself.. Since adulthood, the thoughts have centered upon myself. As my username refers, I was in the Army. I am a combat vet and did a tour in Iraq in 2003 during the invasion. I suffer from PTSD, Anxiety, Bipolar II, and OCD. I am not new to depression websites, but many of the old sites have dwindled..I found this site because, once again, I have sunk to a low place. It's a long story, but after many years of struggling to get my head above water, I had finally somewhat succeeded when I was hit with some medical issues this year. I lost everything and had to move in with my mother, which is where I am at now..I am physically stuck for the time being, and the emotional abuse has been constant since we (me and my dogs) have been here since May. Its just like childhood minus the physical abuse, although threats have been made..and honestly when she says "I will kick you in the head" it triggers "that place in childhood" again, except scarier, as I am not so certain that I have the control as back then if she lays a hand on me because of my combat experience...even the mere threats make me rise up in posture and it takes every ounce of my being to restrain myself..It's a dangerous line as her verbal actions make me have flashbacks from childhood and her physical actions make me think about Iraqis coming at me...and at the moment it completely fries my brain.. Thank God that thoughts of my dogs flash into my mind at the moment and keep me from doing bad things in response..My dogs are my kids, and even they are not free from the verbal abuse..its a vicious circle every day...I work my ass off around here doing what I can (and then some) jeopardizing the recovery from my surgery just to have some sort of peace, and each time there is more bitching about what needs to still be done, and how the job I did could have been done better...and I am no slacker, its good solid work...and when I get done with that I get to play maid and servant the rest of the night..and if I don't comply then its constant abuse until she gets her way...I should be used to it, it's always been this way anytime I have had her in my life... Anyway, I've rambled..its just so much..things look bleak, even my dogs are weary..I just don't know..the only thing that keeps me hanging on is I will not leave this earth without my dogs, and I can't see harming them to take them with me (they have no one else to take care of them)..but it is a constant thought..