I guess things are not too bad

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by azezal1, Mar 1, 2008.

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  1. azezal1

    azezal1 Member

    I am not afraid of death and have attempted suicide a few times in my life, so thats probably why I can be quiet blunt about this subject sometimes. Ive tried everything from hanging myself twice in a graveyard when I was younger, only for the branch to break the first time and the rope to break the second and I am very light:) Then I tried to end it one day after an arguement with my gf and decided to drive my classic sportscar into a parked car at 90mph:( Not only did I have to deal with multiple fractures to my jaw and lost most of my front teeth, I lost a car that I loved and had been enhancing for a few years.

    I sort of take the subject of death in the same way as I see life, in a bit of a loose cannon way, so dont be offended by me. Anyway, I beleive that life is worth living most of the time, but when things get really bad I think its good to have a fallout plan. Thats why I want a way out of life if it becomes impossible. Everyone tells me I've got everything to live for, my parents were proud that I worked as a computer engineer for a few years and earned a lot. My gf thinks the world of me when she is not mad and thinks Im probably the best looking guy in this country, but I have a lot of problems, drinking 30 units + a night, paranoid that authorities are against me, I think I am getting psycotic because I think I cant die and I dont have my own house and at risk of being made homeless if my gf kicks me out.

    Yet life at the moment is good. I am getting drunk and its a saturday night and I have a roof over my head and free electricity. Why did I ever ask to rule the world and have all the money in the world when I can have all this lol:(
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Thank you for the change in your post, and the grace with which you made it...you say you are doing OK right now...but drinking...hope you are truly OK...and yes, sometimes it does pay to count our blessings...wishing you continued OK-ness...all the best, J
  3. diver200

    diver200 Senior Member

    I have to say that giving up drinking was a big step for me, but an awesome one. Yes, I still have bad days, but when I was drinking there were definitely more of them! Not to mention that I was on so many psycho drugs and anxiety drugs that the booze just made me pass out anyway! Just remember that people care about you. Believe me, I know it is hard, but we all jus thave to do it! Hope you get to feeling better soon.:biggrin:
  4. azezal1

    azezal1 Member

    Thanks for that. The problem is I dont think there is any hope for me. Ive been in worse situation in past when I knew I would go to prison for some stupid thing and did. I am not facing that now, but it just feels Ive been around so long so long and im tirred of life.

    I just want to get someone pregnant who will look after the baby and raise it. I know its crazy but I dont want to leave this planet without leaving something behind. I would be betraying all that got me here if I didnt carry on the line. So I just want someone to have my baby then Im out of here.
  5. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    To have a baby for the sake of leaving someone behind to abandon is selfish. It's a callous act towards the child and the mother. What if the baby inherits your depressive/destructive state? While I can relate to your suicidal pain, I can't relate to your self absorption. What about the owner of the parked car you smashed? You have no regard for who gets hurt in your self-destructive behavior.
  6. EllieThade

    EllieThade Antiquities Friend

    I'm sorry you don't think there's any hope for you. I sometimes feel that way too, but somewhere deep inside there MUST be some hope or I would have already killed myself. My few attempts were kind of lame - I never took enough to really succeed. And I could have. So somewhere in me is a will to live.

    Your talking about wanting to have a baby is a will to live as well. Even though you say you want to "leave something behind," a child is a living being, made from you - you'd be a daddy with someone to love and who loves you and needs you. I got pregnant in the middle of my depression. I thought having a baby would "fix" me. It didn't. But I have a tremendous responsibility now. My daughter needs a mother. She needs guidance. She needs to be taught the things I wasn't taught - some of the things that made me depressed in the first place. Like that she's loved and cared about and importantly, that she can have and show any and all emotions she has without being shunned or ignored. Only I can give that to her. My husband is inept at emotional things. I swore I would raise her the opposite of how my parents raised me, and I have (for the most part). I pray she doesn't "inherit" my depression, but I believe I'm making headway in showing her emotional strength and showing her she doesn't have to be perfect and as long as she tries as hard as she can, no matter what grades or whatever she gets, I'll be and am proud of her. I'm not a perfect mother by any means. There are many things I should have taught her that I messed up on. But at least I hope I'm teaching her some important aspects of being human and being okay with yourself and knowing she's loved no matter what. I believe this will keep her emotionally healthy.

    YOU can give a child these things. You can make a child feel loved and wanted and important in the world. You can make a difference in someone's life.

    I try to think of these things when I get really suicidal. I try to think that she still needs me and my husband might mess her up emotionally somehow if I'm not around. Yes, she's one of the biggest reasons I'm still alive. I hope that can stick with me. I hope you can look at getting someone pregnant a different way after reading this post.

    Hang in there.
  7. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    That's a good step. Just remember when you're feeling down, you'll eventually get out of it, since life is worth living most of the time.
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