I guess this is it...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Metallica*Melinda, Apr 23, 2008.

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  1. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    I dont know if it really will be it but I hope it is...
    I have been having such a hard time lately and I see no reason to live. Tomorrow I am scheduled to see my Dr... he wants to put me into a hospital... I really see no point now. I've tried to get in b4 and it got me nowhere. I used to travel around all the phsyc wards when I was younger and they never did anything for me. They want to take me off all of my meds and start over again. But Im having a hard enough time right now with my meds, what will life be like without them?? Hell I can only imagine. I really dont know what to do with myself. Other things are going on too, I'm nineteen years old, incase you dont know me, I've been homeless many times and may go back again pretty soon, but thats beside the point. I have a 13 yr old sister and a two month old brother. When I was 12 I was taken away because I was suicidal and pshycotic... anyway, my sister has been having troubles lately with our mom. When our mom got pregnant she got really suicidal and angry, she would throw stuff at my sister and kick her. One day the police had to be called because our mom was threatening suicide, anyway, now a social worker is involved. Im scared my sister will have the same fate as I did, she may have to jump around from group home to group home... and I dont want that. Because if this social worker finds out what happend before she may take my sister and my brother away. I dont want that to happen. I must say that our dad is the most stable of us all... he is the supporter, he's stuck with this family through everything... he never gave up, he loves us to death. Now I not only worry about my siblings growing up the same way I did, but I also worry about my dad (who has heart problems) surviving if this does happen. I just dont want it to happen.
    Anyway... with this added stress I am really not doing good. Everything I love in this world is breaking apart... I love my dad, my sis, bro and mom... but this family might be split apart... and its my fault.
    I guess youre wondering why its my fault... well I guess I'll tell you...
    Ever since last year I went home for short periods of time. Sometimes they would have someone in the house to watch me... well I went crazy and pulled out knives and started slashing my wrists and threatening the people with them, the police had to be called. Oneday I was on this site and I had tried to kill myself, one of the people here called the police. One day I called the police on myself... and there were occasions of my sister and I fighting which the police were also called. Now this social worker knows about all of this and my mom trying to kill herself and the police being called was the last straw... :sad:
    I really am stressed and cant deal with this...
    I've been contemplating suicide daily, and I think I should just get it over with.
    There is other things going on...
    I've been cutting, very bad... if I was to go to the hospital I would have definitally of had to get stitches. I've been seeing agents following me with guns, if I do anything wrong they will kill me, so I have to be careful. I hear things on the radio and thats why the agents follow me, to make sure I dont tell anyone. I've been going pretty crazy lately with my manic phases, they are getting worse. I havent slept for four days, and I cant get my mind to slow down. Im so scared of what will happen when I get out of this phase... how sad I'll be. I dont want to live like this anymore, this is just another reason Im thinking of suicide... I know I cant stay manic forever... and it scares me. I dont want to get stripped off of all of my meds and have a horrible time. I just wont be able to live through it...
    Sorry for this waste of space, Im just looking for some support... Although I doubt anyone would have read this entire thing...
  2. Dubstepper

    Dubstepper Staff Alumni

    I Read It All. May I Say With An Honest Interest That You Are Going To Be Ok. This Phase Will Pass And You Will Be Happy. Nothing Will Happen Negatively. Think Positive. Nothing That You've Done In The Past Constitutes What Will Be Tomorrow. Trust Me On That From Experience. My Box Is Open. I'd Love To Help You Sleep For One Night And Wake Up With A Feeling That You Can Always Have A Shoulder And A Heart Waiting To Help You
  3. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    Thanks... I really appriciate it. I did end up going to my doctors and he told me that I wouldnt be going to the hospital but I would be going on Lithium...
    I don't know if this med will work but I hope it does. I really dont know what Ill do if it doesnt work.....
  4. sophie5121

    sophie5121 Well-Known Member

    i read it all, its not a waste of space at all.
    Sorry to hear about all your problems, but i'm glad that your going home instead of hospital.
    Try to forget about the past and make a new start.
    or you could talk to your dad about things, seen as hes the stable one in the family.
    Anyway you can pm me if you want.
    Hope things work out x
  5. twinkletoes

    twinkletoes Active Member

    if u need someone to listen to, u can always send me a pm and i'll give you my msn.

    with love twinkle
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