I guess this is where I'll start.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nothinman81, Dec 26, 2014.

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  1. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    After looking through the different sub forums, I figured I'd start with my most present, immediate feelings first.

    I think about suicide a lot. Especially lately. I suppose its cliché to be depressed on Christmas. I dunno. I feel like if something happened to me, people would be over it pretty quick. My wife and I are drifting apart. I broke my leg pretty badly in a shop accident recently. Which has given me access to pain meds. I've been on some kind of pain med for the past 8-ish years and I'm sure that's lead to addiction to them.

    I know I've made my wife's life worse. I've failed spectacularly at my dream of having my own business. It's all so self defeating. All these issues feed into each other.

    So currently, after an abysmal Christmas, laying here with a cast on past my knee and thinking about all of it, I feel like I can see it now. I can see an end. I cry all the time. I'm not sure a 33 year old welder is supposed to cry in solitude. I do. After breaking my leg I see how easy it would be to have an accident. Everyone gets out free and clear.

    I hope this is how this works. I really don't need a fail in the suicide help forum on top of everything else.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there

    Welcome to the forum, sorry to hear you're enduring physical pain as well as mental pain, I know how rough that can be, I have quite severe tummy issues. The addiction to painkillers is quite common, my ex was addicted to oxycontin on a serious level so I may be able to support you in that regard. As for a 33 year old welder not crying. Everyone cries sometimes it is natural. You need to tell your doctor about your thoughts of depression if you have not already, it is okay to ask for help sometimes when we need it. I am glad you found this forum, Good luck to you.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Perhaps marriage councilling can help lessen that drift between you and your wife together you both can work on ways to make your relationship stronger
  4. alphamale

    alphamale New Member

    if you want to chat bro, just msg.
  5. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    Thank you for jumping in a reading my thread. As I posted in my intro thread, I'm hopeful that maybe putting my "thought to paper" so to speak might be helpful.

    So to get into some detail, my wife and I have been to counseling. Seemed to help. We stopped recently when our counselor moved and since I've been injured we're down to one income so it really hasn't been in the cards to find a new one. It was there that the counselor suggested I seek individual therapy. The individual treatment was covered by our insurance. I've been off and on, again, with mixed results. Early on I tried a couple of different meds. Again, nothing really stuck, and my depression seemed to get worse. Coupled with several personal failures over the last couple years, my thoughts have gotten more suicidal.

    These failures have really taken a toll on me. I never expected to be rich. I never wanted my wife to work so hard to support me and my pathetic dreams and ideas. I just hoped through some hard work I'd be ok. I hoped at, in my 30's I could shake what my therapist called "My Dad's voice". I hear him all the time telling me what a crappy job I've done or how I could have done something better. (My dad and I are in similar trades)

    Then the crying out of nowhere started. And the anxiety attacks. And the injuries. And I don't know that I've ever admitted it to myself or anyone, but the injuries had led me to pain meds.

    I've even started buying them from friends, or anyone really, beyond what has just been prescribed me. Don't get me wrong, I still need them to control a pretty severe back and shoulder injury, but now I just take them to keep myself what I call "sane".

    Since breaking my leg a couple months ago, some people said I was lucky. It was very close to damaging an artery apparently and I could have died.

    I wish I would have. It's almost embarrassing. If that makes any sense. I shattered my leg doing something I've done as part of my job a million times. I'm crying now... How pathetic I've become.

    So now that's what I think about. Pain meds and planning what everyone would see as an industrial accident.
  6. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    How did you break your leg? Did you hit your head? Maybe the crying could be related to that. It sounds like you need a good antidepressant. Or get off the painkillers. I hope you feel better soon.
  7. alphamale

    alphamale New Member

    an aquantiance of mine recently did the "deed" out of the blue..and while talking to another buddy about it , he said something that stuck with me..now the buddy has been through alot of crap in his life and it just seems to keep coming,so with that said.. he said the difference between depressed and suicidal is depressed people think that it cant get much worse..suicidal people think that it will never get better....i said who's right.. he laughed and said both are wrong !! shit can always get worse ..but if ya hold on it always gets better. not sure if that even applies but just figured it throw that out there..i dont want to belittle your pain in any degree but i find that most peoples problems/anxiety/thoughts and opinions are based on there point of view , so when things look bleek.. change your point of view..as for being laid up and the wife supporting you..you guys are in a partnership..wouldnt you do the same for her..? you might not beable to go to work right now but this is a great oppurtunity to spend quality time with her..help out where you can ..let her know you appreciate what shes doing and as soon as you can get to the store your going to buy her a cookie :) feel free to msg me anytime ..this is my therapy also.
  8. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    Oddly, no, I didn't hit my head. I hit just about everything else though. I fell from a ladder, about 20 feet up, while welding. One of the cords was wrapped around my foot and I took a wrong step. On the way down, my right leg hit a steel work table. Broke it in 2 places. I had to call 911 on myself. I was alone. I thought about not calling anyone. But at a certain point I was in shock and had to call.

    The crying started about 2 years ago when my depression and anxiety really got out of hand. That's when my wife and I started going to counseling and I started seeing a therapist. Sometimes I just feel it coming on. Almost like a sneeze. Something will trigger me. A thought. A feeling. Maybe just a passing worry about something. I've gotten pretty good at hiding out when it happens.

    I totally get what you're saying. Similar things have been said to me in therapy.

    I would help my wife. I don't want to say she's not helping me. But there's certainly a disconnect between us. We rarely talk. She says things are fine, but I know I've failed her. I've failed everyone. I'm pretty sure her life would be easier without me.

    Thank you for your message offer. I'll take you up on it.
  9. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    Another night, no sleep.

    My wife pretty much left me here alone all day. I can't say I blame her. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. She's great. She's a better person than me. And for that I couldn't/wouldn't blame her. But she's not even taking me to the doctor tomorrow. I had to get a friend to give me a ride.

    I may get fitted for a boot/brace for my leg. Honestly, I'm scared what I'll do if I'm mobile again. At least with my leg casted up and in a sling, there wasn't much chance of me doing anything.

    But I've had a lot of time to be alone with my thoughts. Which probably isn't the best for me. I just feel like a ticking clock.
  10. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    Have you tried antidepressants? Beer? You sound so sad I wish there was something I could do to help. I'm just waiting for the pills to kick in
  11. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    Early on (2 years ago) I was put on a couple different anti depressants along with my therapy. I feel the results were mixed. Between work, injuries and illness I really haven't been able to see the doctor as often as I should. I'm told it sometimes takes several different tries with different meds to really get an effect. I just never got that far.

    As far as alcohol, I'm not much of a beer drinker, but I do use hard liquor to boost the effect of my pain meds. Which I know is a no-no, but at this point I just don't care. I keep thinking one of these times I'll hit the right dose and just not wake up.

    As of yesterday, I was fitted with a boot/brace thing. So now I'm somewhat mobile, but in a ton of pain.

    I just wish I knew where to go from here. Every time I think about it I just see one end. My body, mind, way of life are all broken.
  12. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    I'm like a Dalek with a little bit of human emotion. I want to help but don't have the words.
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