this is why I signed up here as I wanted a way to talk and not say anything and it feels safe as no-one really knows who I am. I have fucked up my entire life, now I have always been the "good" girl and done exactly what my parents wanted to see me do. Got a degree a good job and got married. Two divorces later(in five years) I have found that there is only the illusion of love and that illusion has been the only thing keeping me going. Last night I started drinking and taking pills and a good friend came over and spent the night took away everything and just held me and this morning I wake up and I realized that I was trying to kill myself without saying I was. The thing that freaks me out is that my friend is going through a lot of shit and I feel like a total selfish bitch as I made him be there for me (unintentional) when I should have been there for him. I know I always fuck everything up and I am so confused and scared that I dont know what to do next. The other thing is that 5 years ago I was also diagnosed Bi-polar and I have been cycling like crazy recently so I feel out of control and I refuse to see the doc cos all they want to do is have me spend "a couple" of days in the hospital and thats not where I want to be. So right now not only am i screwing up my life but I am hurting my friend and that hurts me and wants me to take care of this life but the problem is he made me promise not to do anything and if i break that promise i hurt him and i just see that i hurt everyone no matter what i do. So I cant win. This is just the top layer and when I think abou it it hurts and i cant go on nymore. So whats the point but then again I promised. I have been good with my other promise to him and that was to stop cutting, i havent been cutting but i feel guilty because i found other things so i wasnt technically breaking my promise so i am just a fucking screw up that hurts everyone around me.