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I guess...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by fanda, May 1, 2008.

  1. fanda

    fanda Guest

    this is why I signed up here as I wanted a way to talk and not say anything and it feels safe as no-one really knows who I am.

    I have fucked up my entire life, now I have always been the "good" girl and done exactly what my parents wanted to see me do. Got a degree a good job and got married. Two divorces later(in five years) I have found that there is only the illusion of love and that illusion has been the only thing keeping me going.

    Last night I started drinking and taking pills and a good friend came over and spent the night took away everything and just held me and this morning I wake up and I realized that I was trying to kill myself without saying I was.

    The thing that freaks me out is that my friend is going through a lot of shit and I feel like a total selfish bitch as I made him be there for me (unintentional) when I should have been there for him.

    I know I always fuck everything up and I am so confused and scared that I dont know what to do next. The other thing is that 5 years ago I was also diagnosed Bi-polar and I have been cycling like crazy recently so I feel out of control and I refuse to see the doc cos all they want to do is have me spend "a couple" of days in the hospital and thats not where I want to be.

    So right now not only am i screwing up my life but I am hurting my friend and that hurts me and wants me to take care of this life but the problem is he made me promise not to do anything and if i break that promise i hurt him and i just see that i hurt everyone no matter what i do. So I cant win.

    This is just the top layer and when I think abou it it hurts and i cant go on nymore. So whats the point but then again I promised. I have been good with my other promise to him and that was to stop cutting, i havent been cutting but i feel guilty because i found other things so i wasnt technically breaking my promise so i am just a fucking screw up that hurts everyone around me.
  2. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    It is the nature of depression (especially with self harm involved) to be self-deprecating.

    If you were hurting everyone around you, they more assuredly wouldn't care as much as they do. Case in point, your pal who came over and gave you an ear. If you are feeling overcome with guilt about him helping you/you not helping him, meet up and give him your sometime.
  3. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    im sure sweetie that your friend was there for you because he cared about you.. it sounds like he likes u a lot. i take it u two are best friends? i think thats wonderful.. i bet he cares for u a whole bunch, ur pretty lucky :)
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Like Lead said, it is the depression and bipolar that is blinding you to the truth of the matter. I'm bipolar as well and understand all too well the overwhelming feel of loss of control when you keep rapid cycling. So when someone comes along and helps you anchor for a while, you feel so guilty for accepting. But your friend wouldn't of been there if he didn't want to be. And he expects nothing in return for his actions. But I'm sure he would be overjoyed with any help you can offer him when you are able. Let the ones that care about you help you right now when you cant do it for yourself. They truly care or they wouldn't be there now hun. A lot of people find help for themselves in helping others through their difficult times. Please dont be so hard on yourself and just accept the help being offered as it is... a true friend being there for another friend.
  5. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    Christ my first post is fucked up, I meant what itmahanh said: be there for him some time. It may help with the guilt and just plain make you feel better by doing so.
  6. fanda

    fanda Guest

    Thanks An Angel in Black, hes my best friend and I don't know what I would do without him. I cant help but feel bad though because hes always helping me.

    Itmahanh...I think you might be right but I still don't know, i know I cycle I know i should take the meds but its hard. How do you handle it?

    Lead don't be hard on your self for the post I understood and appreciate the advice :)
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    To be honest, if it wasn't for my friends here sticking it out with me, I don't think I would handle it all or even be here. My meds only act as a band aid. And I can rarely help myself when I am rapid cycling. But my friends are my true strength. It is so hard to accept the help, but you need to do it Fanda. That's why they are called friends. They dont have to be there, they want to be there.