I had a major relapse today in my suicidal thinking

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AsphyxiateOnMisery, Jul 8, 2012.

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  1. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I had a huge problem. I was engaged to an active heroin addict. He made my life and our relationship miserable. At least, that was what I thought until I began attending NarAnon meetings to get help and realized that I was part of the problem too because I was very codependent on this person. I have borderline and avoidant personality disorders and codependency is a classic symptom. One of many. I depended on him for every single aspect of my happiness and needed him to validate my worth for me. I began my journey toward recovery from codependency. In many ways, I stopped trying to control him, I stopped most of the damaging behaviors I had previously acted on that only made things worse. I started to feel better. 5 years of therapy for my suicidality and no results, but after 3 months of NarAnon meetings I was becoming a totally different person. I was so much less negative and didn't think about suicide at all. Finally I got the courage to kick the addict out of the house because he absolutely refused to get clean and stop living that way. When I kicked him out, he reached his "bottom" and decided to get clean. He is detoxing off of Suboxone, going to NA every day, talking with a sponsor, etc. He's doing the standard 90 meetings in 90 days. I told him if he went through with the 90 days and continued to stay sober, I would give him another chance and we could live together again. He is doing very well for himself and I started doing well for myself too. I joined a gym, went to NarAnon every day, got a sponsor myself, set healthy boundaries for my relationship, etc. So what went wrong? Suboxone. I had used heroin in the past too but I am currently 4 months clean and have been on suboxone to aid me in my recovery just like my fiancé. I decided it was time for me to get off the medication completely so that we could both be happy and healthy when we moved in together again and addiction would be out of our lives. It didn't quite work out that way. Almost 2 days without suboxone and my emotions went totally haywire. I was having panic attacks, intense depression, and for the first time in 3 months sincerely wanted to die again. I tried going to an NA meeting myself to help with what I was feeling. It didn't help. I was so emotional and in tears the whole time and people kept looking at me. I felt weird and left halfway into the meeting. My fiancée told me to take the medicine because I was at the point where I was thinking about literally "asphyxiating on misery" >with the edit mod total eclipse method?I have in my garage. I got so bad and so hysterical that I was ready to break all the healthy boundaries I set and everything I worked so hard to obtain. I wanted to move in together again with him ASAP because I felt totally alone and was ready to end it. He calmed me down and explained that he wanted to live with me again but that he was still too sick to do that at this current time. He said he needed at least a month of clean time and to focus on his recovery for now because he didn't want to hurt me or himself anymore. He didn't want things to go back to how they were when we were both suffering from the horrible effects of addiction. I felt very rejected but knew deep down that he was 100% right. We decided we would try to see each other every week or so to make things a bit easier so we wouldn't be so lonely without each other for 3 months. I feel so pathetic that I failed at not taking suboxone. That it made me so emotional. That I was in a fit of utter hysteria and was ready to just ruin everything we were working so hard to repair. I felt like a complete and utter failure. Still do. I am afraid now. Afraid I will still continue to want to die tomorrow. Afraid I will do something in the moment that I won't be able to take back. Suboxone, unfortunately, is not the "miracle med" some people think it is. It is utterly evil and ruins your brain just like heroin. It doesn't get you high, but it prolongs the addiction. I really don't know where I am supposed to go from here. I'm still trying to process what happened today in my mind. It was so bad that I nearly got hit by a car crossing the street for christ's sake. For some reason I decided that red meant "go". :/ I just don't know anything right now. I am so upset and ashamed of myself.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 9, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    There is not shame hun you are trying your best to stay clean if suboxone is not for you there are other meds that can help ask you doc ok
     
  3. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I just ended up taking the Suboxone again and saw my fiancé for the night because I needed comfort and support really badly. He helped me write out an 8 week plan to get off the suboxone a lot slower. Says the withdrawal shouldn't be as bad that way. It was amazing, really. He acted like a totally different person, in a good way. Having been 2 weeks clean, it was like the person I loved came back to me for the first time in a whole year. Over a year even. I was so happy seeing these changes in him. It really gave me hope for us working out. On the downside, I am afraid that these changes were only because he hadn't seen me in 2 weeks and they will go away. :/ And I still feel awfully pathetic and couldn't sleep for even a minute all night. But I have college today and have to go. It's not that the suboxone isn't working. It's doing what it's supposed to, just the withdrawal is so bad, especially when you're alone. I don't know how my fiancé did it. Any other opiate I take would be no better. I fucked up my brain using heroin and now have to deal with the consequences.
     
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