I had no idea.

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by LittleOne, Jan 15, 2012.

  1. LittleOne

    LittleOne Member

    Hi. I just joined this site. Three months ago to the day, my boyfriend of 3 years, who I lived with for 2.5 years and was house hunting with, picking childrens' names, buying pets together... committed suicide. I knew that neither of us were happy with our job/financial situations, but i thought we were on the same page. We had plans, and we just needed to wait until they came together. I didn't know he was depressed. i didn't know that suicide was anything he'd ever considered. He was my rock. I thought we were set- marriage was something we talked about like an assumption- all that was missing was the money for a ring and wedding. In my heart (and I hope/think his) we were already married. We didn't need some official to tell us we would be together forever. We'd get to that... it was an expensive formality.
    I never had a wandering eye. i was never tempted to cheat. i never doubted that whatever problems we had, we'd get past them. To me, he was the only man in the world. And I sincerely believe he felt the same way. His suicide note was written to me, and although it explained nothing, it was full of love and apologies.
    Everyone thinks i'm getting better but I don't know if I am, or if I've just stopped crying and talking about it all the time. It just doesn't feel like there's anything to talk about anymore. But every minute of every day it is like a blanket of lead wrapped on my shoulders. And the worst thing is that I had NO IDEA. My therapist says that when someone is determined to do this, they will intentionally fool you into thinking things are okay. That feels like a betrayal. It all feels like a betrayal. He let me go to work that morning thinking everything was fine. We were picking movie times for that evening. In the middle of work I got a call from the police that he was dead. If his work hadn't called his old phone number (his parents) and they hadn't gone over to see if he was there, I would have been the one to find him. How could he do that to me?
    How did I not know that this was going on? How did I never notice that he was depressed, that things weren't okay, that this was even a possibility? I thought we were normal, average, people. Our life was happy and beautiful. We loved animals and owned several. We were silly and goofy together. We made up terms for things and almost made a secret language. He was Fuzz (he was a very hairy man) and I was MiniFuzz (because I was much shorter than him). How did I never see beyond our horror movie obsession, our pets, our silliness, and see what was really going on? And why didn't he tell me?
    Anyone been in a similar situation? Anyone have any answers they have found?
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry this happen hun so sorry for your loss. I too lost someone never in my wildest dreams thought he would committ suicide Like your therapist says hun the pain he had he hid well he did not want to burden you with it perhaps did not know how to tell you. It could have been somethng through his day that triggered the suicide That mistake people make is that they think we can move on but we can't we learn to cope but the pain the sense of guilt it stays. I am glad you have that therapist hun I hope he deals with grief and also trauma I don't think your bf ever wanted to harm you hun his depression was telling him the wrong things like you would be better off with out him that you find someone that would give you more then him ect his depression if not treated would have played havoc on his emotions hun He truly in his mind probably thought everyone would be better off without him here He love you but his pain won in the end his sadness won
     
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi there,

    I wish I could share with you more words of comfort and wisdom....please know I am sorry for your loss. I hope this site will be a wonderful source of support and understanding for you. :hug:

    Alex
     
  4. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I wish I had more wisdom to share with you but I don't. All I know is I understand the feeling of loosing someone close. I hope your finding this site useful like I am? It's helping me with all the self hate that I'm experiencing. People on here are so friendly, and they really do listen to you. I'll listen to you any time you want to talk PM me :hug: