I turned 19 yesterday. Which alone is depressing, because even though on your birthday you should be feeling alive, since it's the day you were brought into this crazy world, I was feeling dead inside out. I tried to make myself happy. I swear I did. I prepared dinner and invited my few friends and fellow college students over. I put on a happy face just like I do everytime. I even got myself a dress, and it's been so long since I last got anything for myself. I have a lot of expenses since I've been living on my own since I was 17 and since my parents are not the richest either and can't provide me with much. One of my friends insisted we go out after dinner. I didn't want to, I am terrified of crowded places. I'm way too sensitive to other people's eneergy, and if it's negative, my own energy gets smashed even more. If that makes any sense. She 'surprised' me by booking a table at one of the popular bars around here. Also, she called a 'few' people and invited them. She made sure to invite the guy I sort of have taken an interest into, and she told him to bring some of friends as well. I thanked her of course, and acted excited, but in fact I was really scared and nervous. I'm not used to large social gatherings for many reasons. So we went there. She did my hair and make up, said she wanted me to look real pretty on my 19th. I appreaciated all that she did for me. The dress was really pretty as well and for some reason I looked just like I would have if I had gotten the chance to go to prom during high school. It felt so strange. I tried to smile the whole time. Be happy. Pretend to be happy, and maybe, hopefully, actually believe I am that way. Some people indeed showed up, but it was most likely because my friend was the one to invite them, if I had invited them, no one would show up, that's for sure. That guy even came, brought about 4 other guys with him. I got wished happy birthday by people who I saw during classes daily but I had not even spoken to. She had that guy sit next to me so we could talk. I made it at that part as well. We talked quite a lot about various of things, it seemed to be easy to pretend to be normal and happy. I also met another guy, one of his friends, who was really nice to me and was into music as much as I am. However, he seemed to already have a girlfriend so I couldn't get myself to do anything. At some point I was starting to believe that I'm happy. I had gotten somewhere I thought I would never have -I was acting at most normal, I was smiling, I was surrounded by people, I was socializing-... Then the guy I liked told me he has something to tell me. I was pretty excited by his tone, I had a small hope that maybe something could happen between us. Instead, he told me that he's had a crush on my friend, the one who invited him, for quite a long time now, and if I could somehow tell her and see if she's interested. After all that, everything got pretty much blurry. I kept on the happy face, slowed down with the talking, smiled still, and drank more than I should have. I have very low blood pressure, and alchohol tends to make me dizzy more easily than most people. Eventually I got up and made my way to the bathroom, feeling dizzy as hell, and being panicked by the amount of people that were gathered in the bar. I felt that their eyes were on me for some reason, and I felt embarassed. I stayed in the bathroom so much, throwing up, crying, and wishing I had soemthing sharp with so I could ease my pain by causing me more pain. After what seemed like forever, one of other friends came and opened the door so she could get me out. I don't remember details about what she said or how we ended up back to the table. Some of the people had already left, including the friend who had organized all this. I should have looked hideous, I was crying so much earlier, and I was no longer smiling. My friend helped me up, we said good bye to all the other people and led me out of the bar. Which was when I saw the guy I liked, and the friend who invited him, making out on a bench. And that's pretty much all that I remember. Including that I fell a couple of times and my friend had to pick me up. I was rambling continously, saying how I wish my birthday didn't exist, saying how I just wanted to be with someone who accepted me and didn't trash me for someone healthier and different. I woke up in the late evening, still with my dress on, on my friend's couch. She drove me home afterwards and all I've done all day is lie on my own couch, watching movie after movie, crying like a baby, cutting. The phone has rang a couple of times but I didn't answer. I am not going to answer. Especially if it's the friend I just lost last night. I feel betrayed. I feel used. I feel manipulated. I tried to stand strong. I knew she liked him too. Yeah right, as if she was going to get into all that trouble just to set me up with him. I feel so ugly even though I was told by so many people all my life that I am beautiful. I can't even bear to look at myself in the mirror now. I always enter the bathroom with the lights turned off. Maybe they were all lying, maybe I'm not beautiful, maybe that's why my that guy chose my friend over me. Maybe that's why for the past 2 years I've been the one guys come to for love advice, and just so I can hook them up with one of my best friends. And I can't help that I'm depressed. I've been seeing therapists. I saw them my whole life. I spent more hours with them than with my parents. I will never get the chance to relive my childhood again. That's when it all started. And my father can't turn back time and change the fact that he beat me up so badly I couldn't move my body back then, as much as he has regretted it now. Same goes for my stepdad, him and his daily insults and occasional anger outbursts. I hate feeling like this. I don't want to be weak, but I am. I'm sick of being used and wasted away. I feel like a bridge people use to walk over to get to the other side. Other than that, it isn't of much other use to them. It's sole purpose is to help them get somewhere else, somewhere they really want to go. I've been that bridge my whole life, and I'm sick of that doing other people favours. So, is it so wrong that I just want it to end? The way I see it, life is a one way road. There's no chance for changes. I haven't left the couch all day. I'm probably not planning to. I don't know how I'll do it. But I really want it to hurt. Don't ask me why. I'm used to hurting all the time, so why not? Oh, and you know what the funny thing is? No one is going to find out. Maybe when I won't show up for classes for a week or so. Sorry I wrote so much, if you have made it this far without skipping about a dozen paragraphs. My heart has broken so badly it's almost non existant, since the pieces have been scattered around and I won't even dare to find them. If I go, I want to go without being able to feel any feelings anymore, because they're the worst in the world.