I HATE Alcohol. Rant.

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by bboxer, Dec 14, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. bboxer

    bboxer Member

    I fucking hate it. I hate everything about it, I hate how it makes me feel when I wake up, I hate how my organs hurt, fucking hurt, after days of abuse. I hate how it makes my family worry about me, and I hate how I worry and feel supreme anxiety about how my family views me when 'it happens', 'it' being those hideous, next day anxiety driven, nights when i drink just too much to go unnoticed and they see...whatever it is they see when I can no longer function.

    I hate that most days all I want is its numb escape. Waking up to think, "today im going to buy some vodka and life will be sooo good tonight" The fantasy life always eluding after a day of REAL FUCKING LIFE. I hate that the fantasy does not exist.

    I hate that all I can sometimes think about is how much I am going to love getting destroyed after a work day, literally after any day. I am only ever dissapointed. I am so tired of its draw, I am so tired! I don't actually 'sleep' when I drink, even though I tell myself that this is one of its benefits. I just wake up, reeling from the state of in between of concious and still fucking drunk. I.e. the worst reality. The feeling of 'nothing works.'

    But I also LOVE it, its my only hope, my only escape, my only true friend when it works...

    I was depressed (fucking life and shit!) when I found it, my one true medication. Fucking HERO.

    Im still depressed, mostly worse for obvious/not so reasons, and NOW a precieved fucking social scumbag as a result. Its also a punishment that I carry today as a result of twisted fucking self esteem (weak ass loser freak fuck etc). I don't even get it.

    I feel/know at the same time that I cannot live without it, and its fake normality/morality/confidence/functionability etc and etc...but I also know that I WILL die with it's grip. I will die, im already dying by some standards.


    Fucked up for real these days...I need somthing to save me. I always think "you will never see 30". I legit won't, I think I have an angry organ.

    Why can't I actually care without this shit? w/e
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Alcohol is a depressant you know that though it helps short term but it harms so much more hun I do hope you get yourself into treatment and learn other ways to cope with your sadness hugs to you
  3. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Yeah I feel mostly the same way...kind of like a slow form of suicide. Because I don't really have the guts to kill myself, so I do anything to distract myself from how I'm feeling. Alcohol helps me feel better, but physically it makes me feel worse. And now I'm thinking I might not be able to drink for a few weeks, and I don't know how I can function without that. I know it's hard to cope without it, but I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in this and other people are feeling the same way you are. I hope that we will both find a reason to stop drinking.
  4. Oddwick

    Oddwick New Member

    I am new here so HI :D. I know exactly how you feel. Personally, I talked to my doctor and he has been a great help in me escaping the day to day horror of alcohol addiction. I used to use the whole "I can't sleep without it" excuse, but I have found that sleep is harder to obtain when I drink. And I now realize that every reason I come up with is just an excuse to drink again. Alcoholism is a disease just like any other (not to say that you are an alcoholic, I would say you should discuss it with your doctor) and is treatable with several different options. The fact that you HATE drinking is a sign that you are ready to shed the albatross that is dependency. Best of luck to you.
  5. Mayflower7

    Mayflower7 Banned Member

    Hi oddwick,
    Well done for realising the terrible hold alcohol can have over you, my entire family are alcoholic's. Do in secret off course. I know they are as show the anger from drinking. They just can't/ won't see the harm they do inflict on-themselves and the hurt to others.
    I would suggest most abuse, alcohol is the route cause. If is wonderful to see, how now you are trying to escape this addiction. Common addictions, just some a lot less harmful. It does " numb" out the pain of something in your life so I am told and from what I have witnessed.
    I don't drink any alcohol never have, as had to take strong pain medication most of my life. So would not mix as highly dangerous.
    Please keep fighting this addiction, your sleeping pattern will normalise again and that would improve your over-all health and well-being.
    Don't suffer in silence, seek out help during those times you feel a need to reach for alcohol again. Maybe plan out your life in goals and this will encourage you to move onwards. Show people and yourself you can achieve and get away from this addiction. Wrong to lecture people, support and encouragement is much more beneficial. Are you attending any support groups? Or getting that support online from this forum perhaps?
    Please do if haven't seek out medical advice, as number of treatments, like counselling based, medication approach, CBT, alternative therapy.
    Welcome to the forum, lovely to see you are seeking out help.
  6. paulhewson

    paulhewson Well-Known Member

    I hear ya.
  7. Pebbles5

    Pebbles5 New Member

    I could've wrote most of these posts myself.... Except I'm a 40 year old mom. I have no health insurance and no doctor. Nowhere to turn for real help. I own 2 business and I just got married.. Again. I have great friends and family, but I'm pushing them away so they don't know my secret ...
  8. paulhewson

    paulhewson Well-Known Member

    It's a medication you can buy cheaply, in so many forms and flavors, in so many places. If you can't give it up for good, do the next best thing. Give it up for a month, a week or even a day.
  9. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    I am disgusted by how many people at my school love to drink. How they think getting drunk 4 night a week is awesome. How the only way to meet a girl and have a social life is to get trashed at a party.

    I've been to AA (not by choice) and I've seen what it can do to people. A minor in possession is nothing compared to what some of these people have been through.

    I drink to get drunk maybe once or twice a month. I always over do it. I have to be careful because I could slip into addiction/abuse so easily. You think you have control, but it's so easy to succumb to it. I said I was only going to drink 3, I drank 5. I'm such a lightweight, I'm hungover after that. Never a good sign. But at least I can't drink 10+ anymore.
  10. kreative1

    kreative1 Well-Known Member

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.