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I hate being a coward

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AngelofPainandMisery, Oct 4, 2015.

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  1. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Permanent loser

    I hate being such a coward.
    I just want to end it all, I almost did on my birthday, in spite of a promise I made to someone that I wouldn't. Then I realized how selfish, irresponsible, and just plain devastating that would be to them if they ever found out, but I doubt they really care that much. And if I had succeeded, I would be breaking a promise for the second time in my life. It's kind of the only reason I'm here now is to keep that promise, not that it really matters.
    I'm tired of just wasting time, wasting my life holding on to the hope of something better. Its such a stupid, impossible belief and I don't know why I still hold on to it, its brought me nothing but pain. One side says to accept depression as a state of being, that it won't get better and move on already, stop worrying about things that are unimportant, impossible, and impractical, it's just a waste of time. Killing yourself is the most cowardly thing you can do, it means you say to the millions and billions of other people and animals who are worse off than you, that you matter more, you are suffering worse than them when you clearly aren't. Just put aside that putrid cesspool of dumb emotions, grow up, move on already, you are just making it worse on yourself for no reason. You are letting weakness get the better if you. You are getting what you deserve, accept it and move on. This is who had been present most of my life because they can handle things.
    The other side desperately wants something better, but she is afraid of change, she is afraid of judgement and the humiliation. She's just afraid of everything. She feels she can almost taste something better it just will take a few weeks or another month, another year... if she could just have this or that, things would be better. She despirately wants to believe she's a good person but no one she can believe has ever told her so. She knows her own unimportance but she wants to feel like she is important, she wishes that everything she has been told is wrong, but she knows it is all too clearly correct. She doesn't want to live as a selfish, lazy, spoiled, weird, strange, attention-seeking person. She believes the world is better off without her, she can contribute nothing but more and more mistakes. She's not worth it, she is just a waste of resources. She can never do anything right despite how much she tries, her efforts are in always in vain. Her life is in vain, she wants to believe it isn't, but she knows it is. She can't deal with the torturous pain, she can't deal with the abysmally deep feeling of loneliness, all the shame, humiliation, and judgement, the fear and uncertainty, or the utter disgust of who and what she is. She can't understand why, she can't move on, she can't speak out because of fear. She knows she's so unimportant she shouldn't say anything, it just draws attention she is unworthy of, nor is she an attention-getter. She wishes otherwise and so she deserves what she gets. Very rarely does this one say around with me, she is too easily manipulated and after enough trauma is dismembered and destroyed until the next time when (flase) hope is awakened
    I'm still so tempted, it is so easy and it would be so quick, then it would all be over. I probably wouldn't be missed, in fact my family would be better off, less money to waste on food, clothes and school for one other kid, same with birthdays and christmas. I have no friends so no loss there. I'd worry about my pets because I don't trust them in the care of my mom, she's told me if a disaster were to happen she'd have no issue with killing them and eating them to survive. And when they get sick she won't pay to help them get better, becuase It's just "too expensive," which shows me just how little their precious, innocent lives mean to her.
    Then if I succeded as I said before, I'd be breaking a promise, and intentionally causing another person pain, (if they ever found out, or even care). Which I have no right to do, ever. Especially after all the stupid things I've said and done.
    It's funny, despite considering myself a very, very religious person, I've never blamed god or had second thoughts about how suicide is negatively thought of and forbidden in religion. It's funny because it shows how much of a hypocrite I am by thinking of myself as religious or even an ethical person for that matter.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 4, 2015
  2. sadcat

    sadcat Well-Known Member

    I am sorry you have such a low opinion of yourself.
    I think everyone deserves the very best that they can find.

    Hugs, sadcat
  3. doesnt matter19

    doesnt matter19 Well-Known Member

    Honestly I wish I could help stay strong though if I wasn't so weak myself I'd have advice or something good to say
  4. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Permanent loser

    It's ok, you were strong enough to say something. Besides you aren't weak! If you were "weak" you wouldn't be here, nor would you still be trying to hold on or willing to exhaust every option. :)
  5. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Permanent loser

    It's ok, you were strong enough to say something. Besides you aren't weak! If you were "weak" you wouldn't be here, nor would you still be trying to hold on or willing to exhaust every option. :)
    Thank you, believe me I regret it enough for the both of us.
  6. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Astrid. I'm sorry you are in so much pain and feel so much self-hatred. Oh, my goodness, you're very hard on yourself. I feel sure that you've been hurt very badly. I am equally sure that you are actually very likeable, though you don't think so right now.

    When our own logic seems to say, "If no one else cares, why should I?" I think it's kind of faulty logic (and I've fallen into in myself at times). If we need someone to care, it can start with us just as easily as with any other person. If we feel hurt, we know enough that something is wrong or missing and we can provide at least self-care and respect. And self-care and self-respect seem to encourage care and respect from other people. So those seem to be good places to start, imo. ((hug))

    You are a very observant and deeply caring person. I can visualize your hurt at feeling unheard and I can sense clearly how outraged you feel at your mother's harshness regarding your innocent pets' lives. So you have skills at expressing yourself, though maybe your efforts at expressing yourself with some people have been stalled or blocked before. You are heard here. That's a start, right?

    You are courageous to be here, to express yourself, to keep going. Depression is really nasty. It seems to get hold of us and then mix up how we see the world. When we are depressed, it is difficult to believe that anything we do or try could ever make things better. When life and people have let us down, and we feel it is our own fault, it's not easy to say, "OK, I'll just try again." Yet here you are trying, so you must be courageous and a survivor.

    Please, don't hurt yourself. Give yourself a chance! Keep talking to us. Maybe it will help. Take care of yourself and be safe!
  7. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Permanent loser

    Thanks, I really needed to hear that! :)
    Thank you so much, I don't really know what to say, but thank you so much!
    I've tried to like myself, I've tried to be likeable. I've been running a social experiment for most of high school. I've tried to act differently, I've tried to change my appearance, I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't start a conversation because I can never say the right thing. I can't share my interest or anything about my life because it's either excruciatingly boring or too weird and abstract, anything creative never, that's one I learned the hard way. It not like I don't have a lot of interests, it's that I take them too far.
    I'm always the last person anyone will talk to and that's only if no one else is around that are interested in talking to. Doesn't seem to matter where I am it's always the same response. I end up ignored, I don't know what it is, do I have an invisible tag on me or something? And I just don't try anymore, I just leave or start reading, otherwise I sit there invisible, besides everyone is engaged anyways. I don't even want to leave the house anymore. But I probably contributed the most to that, I'm probably not very approachable even when I get to be, and I probably seem really aloof and strange because I'm always reading, but even when I do try to engage with everyone else, everyone else is engaged with each other and quite literally, I am invisible.
    I want to care and I try to care about myself, but I'm really not that, that important And I don't deserve it. And I just can't see anything I like in myself, no abilities, all of them are completely useless and impractical. Certainly not physically at all, I hate mirrors and pictures, and I can barely tolerate touching my own skin. Because I am absolutely appalled by how I look and I just disgusted myself. My personalities often alternate between complete apathy and deep caring, but the latter usually ends up completely destroyed due to trauma and the apathy personality just completely takes over because it's the only bearable way to live.
    I'll probably never understand my mother's attitudes, she is never predictable in her behavior except that she will blow up and yell and cuss me out about the slightest thing. She always says she's upset at how people treat pets, but when it comes to saving my pet's lives she almost refused to anything until it's almost too late and the bare minimum at that. I lost two pets within a six month period, I lost Milkshake (male bunny) nine days before my birthday last year, then Eavea aka Big Piggy (female guinea pig) on February 21st, and I had to watch her die.
    Milkshake jumped out of my arms and broke his leg, I had to practically beg her to take him to the emergency vet (and the next day at that) just for pain medications. He died during few days later during the amputation surgery. I noticed something wrong with Big piggy last thanksgiving break, she had labored breathing on occasion and it was getting worse. I told my mom and she said just to wait, that Big piggy would get better. So about a month later, Big Piggy cam barely breathe and I finally convince my mom to take her to the vet, my mom refuses to let the vet do a full examination (x-rays, cultures, etc.) because they are too expensive. So the vet did a best guess and prescribed meds for pneumonia. Pneumonia in guinea pigs strikes in a day or less and the pig is extremely contagious and if not treated quickly will result in death in two or three days. Big piggy's symptoms came gradually over weeks and she was with the other female pigs most of the time, and they never got sick. I offered to help pay the vet bills, but I'm forbidden to get a part-time job because of school. Nor was my mom willing to have me pay it off eventually or take it out of my savings. And I had discussed getting some type of vet insurance or a care card after Mulan, our previous rabbit, died after my mom refused to give her lifesaving treatment. I did all the research myself and she never bothered to look at any of it. In about mid-January, my mom bought my brother an xbox, I was really upset that she would spend $300 on a dumb toy for my brother for no other reason than entertainment, than spend $150 on treatment for Big Piggy, who was getting weaker and thinner everyday. She reacted by yelling at me as usual for criticizing for telling her what to do with her money and that she'll just stop paying for my car insurance so I can't drive, (which is more of a convince for her not me). I told her fine, if it would help Big Piggy, of course Big Piggy died a month later. I spent the last few hours petting and comforting her before she died. The poor thing struggled for months before she death came and I could do nothing. If I just had saved my money, I could have saved her. If I had done more maybe I could have saved her.
  8. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Permanent loser

    I'm probably a completely delusional idiot for all the trying I've done. When I do something I do always try to be good at it or do it very well, and so much for my efforts. It is always a gigantic waste of time, no matter how hard or how much I've tried I always end up completely humiliated and everyone ends up seeing me as obsessive, desperate, and whatever else. I usually never give up until it's too late, then I have the amazing power of hindsight to look back and have all the guilt and shame that I should have quit before it was too late. All the signs were there but I never saw them. And I'm so stupid to keep doing the same thing over and over and over again and I still haven't learned my lesson. I still hold on to wretched hope, thinking something better will come of it and it never has and probably never will. If I just try one last time, and I end up losing a piece of myself each time for my stupidity and delusional hope. I have always liked Einstein's quote about insanity, until I learned all these years I have been following the definition of insanity precisely. Sometime, maybe even now, it's going to come to the last straw and it sill be too late. I have next to nothing left, only bits and pieces of dignity, a soiled cloth of ethics and morality, and maybe the strangling lodestone of hope. There are only two people I have ever wanted to kill, only two people I can never forgive. The first took away what I never knew I had as a child, something I can never get back no matter what I do. Yet what happened to me is not even a crime in the eyes of the law, not even considered a crime by public opinion, not even "that bad" by my parents, therapists, or anyone else. So I still don't know why I place such an emphasis on that event, obviously it wasn't as bad as I though it was, just me being delusional. Then I lost everything else; every part of my personality was brutally supressed and murdered when I was institutionalised, and I learned how I am really perceived, which is as some kind of manipulative freak. Like the first, all the ridicule and the nightmares and everything he did to me isn't a crime either, just "part of my treatment that I have to accept to get better." And lastly, just a few weeks ago I lost everything else, things I didn't know I had, things that had been reawakened that I never dreamed possible; where unmercilessly crushed. The ability to trust someone, the belief I could actually have a friend I could really talk to, met a violent death five days before my birthday. However there is no one I can blame for this, it is truly and solely my fault and I am getting what I deserve.
    This is stuff I have never talked about before, these are things I never thought I'd have to say, because of the humiliation, shame, and judgement that it would bring and what little pieces I have told to therapists and others I was told was completely invalid, because in their eyes all I was doing was doing it for the attention, to manipulate and if it wasn't that then I "didn't want to get better," and shuffle me on to the next institution. Despite how desperately I've tried not to call attention to myself, by staying silent and keeping it a secret. It just doesn't work anymore, I have nothing left, I have nothing to lose now by talking about it, there is nothing I can lose anymore. Everything is gone, there is nothing worse that can be said or just not said at all, in part because everything has been said, implied, and unsaid.
    I've often wondered if I am just making this all up because looking back I don't see the justification for the way I feel, and neither does anyone else. If it was actual physical abuse then I'd have something to complain about and a real reason to feel the way I do, but I don't. Great, just another symptom of the numerous forms of mental illness I have, delusions and blowing things out of proportion. :( I just don't deserve any help, others go through worse than I do and have a reason for their feelings of despair, I don't, I just don't deserbe help.
    I don't know what to believe anymore.

  9. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    I wish you could feel better about yourself, you don't have any trouble saying that you are weak,which I really doubt that you are, If you are able to post a negative, I believe that you could post a positive! I believe that you DO matter19 you saying that you wish you could is a first step
  10. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    I wish you could feel better about yourself, you don't have any trouble saying that you are weak,which I really doubt that you are, If you are able to post a negative, I believe that you could post a positive! I believe that you DO matter19 you saying that you wish you could is a first step
  11. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Astrid. It's good to see you online again! :) Everyone, and "everyone" includes you, deserves to be cared about. (hug)

    It sounds like you feel your brother has had some preferential treatment there. He gets an xbox and you get to see your pets suffering, and the "reason given for that" is that there wasn't money for your pets (but there was for an xbox)...I'd feel brokenhearted (and confused) in that situation.

    I'm sorry that something else has hurt you as well, and it was not acknowledged.

    A question: What do you need/want (and from whom) so these things stop hurting you in the present and they become part of your past that doesn't have to hurt you?

    I hope you keep talking to us here. Please be safe and stay strong!
  12. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Permanent loser

    Thank you, I will try to keep talking here but it's becoming really stressful and I've been finding it more and more discouraging.
    It's not unusual that my brother gets quite different treatment from me, at least from my perspective anyways.
    To answer your question, I don't really know what I want or from whom, frankly I've never been asked so I have no real answer to give. I guess maybe forgiveness, understanding, honesty and another chance from the people I have made mistakes with. Understanding for my reasoning (or lack thereof) that I probably have no idea what I am supposed to say or do, and it may be/seem obvious to everyone else, but I probably won't get it until I'm told what I am doing/not doing. Once I realize what it is that I'm doing/not doing, it will stop immediately, it is punishment (and sometimes traumatic) enough that I have to live with the consequences of my actions. I just don't need the extra mile of being abandoned or given up on, that's when the "why" questions start, I just want forgiveness and another chance. Understanding that I am trying extremely hard, but I don't know how to be perfect or anything close. And I probably just really need to be told and assured/reassured that it isn't always my fault and it is ok--well maybe normal(?)-- to feel the way I do, that I am not blowing something out of proportion, and help me move on, which is probably just wayyy too much to ask anyone though. In addition, I'd really, really, really, like for someone to have an open mind and not judge, to realize how humiliating and how hard it is for me and how vulnerable, pathetic, and small I feel. For then to not use my fear ad vulnerability against me or judge me for my behavior. Because I just don't deal well with judgement if I suspect it in the slightest, I will end up never saying anything again.
    But for past events to really stop hurting me now, is kind of impossible, I have a really vivid and specific photographic memory, which means I remember everything. I'd have to be able to not remember them in such detail so that my mind will stop going over them again and again, seeing more and more flaws and times I should have realized what was wrong, each time. And lastly, for these mistakes not to happen in the first place. But I'm mainly applying this to my most recent blunder, it's just all I can think about. It's something I probably will never be able to forget or be forgiven for, because this person probably will never, ever talk to me again.
    I'd also like understanding and a host of other stuff from my parents because they've taught me and solidified this behavior for me, nor can I leave this house anytime soon. But that will never happen, because I never will be able to forget nor will they listen or care in the capacity they need to.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 7, 2015
  13. Cariad_Bach

    Cariad_Bach Staff Alumni

    "hate being a coward"

    "just making it worse on yourself for no reason"

    "Doesn't want to live as a selfish, lazy, spoiled, weird, strange, attention-seeking person"

    .... Me too
  14. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Astrid112, yes please keep talking, as long as you are able, but please, don't do it if you think you may have problems because of it, you have enough to deal with already. I am sorry that you are getting discouraged. It would be hard for me not to feel or be discouraged. I have a special place in my heart for animals, most especially for cats, if you can't tell!
    I have just started reading what you have written. it is taking a while for me to absorb it all, I just want to say we are all human, as humans we are apt or prone to make mistakes or do some things wrong most especially when we are young, that is most of what growing up is, learning the difference between right and wrong and how to learn the difference.

    I am another person in here that has made a lot of mistakes as well as poor choices, I to have a hard time dealing with some of those
    and feeling the guilt and remorse and living with it. Astrid, be easy on yourself, please stay in here as long as you are able, you will find, if you have not already, NO ONE in here will judge you, no matter what please be gentle on yourself too, we have to in today's world. I care about you as well as where you are going, please do not hurt yourself, You are to important, please be patient, it is like
    an old saying I remember being told! It is always the Darkest Just before Dawn! A new Day is dawning! here for me as well!
    Please, Take care of Yourself, You are Important!
  15. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Permanent loser

    Thank you its nice to feel like someone actually cares. I also saw your post about your avi pic, Willow Whisper, it was a really beautiful post :)I wish I could volunteer at an animal shelter. I went once and I had to pinch myself to not cry just from seeing the shear number of poor, unwanted animals. Just to look in their eyes and see the longing, suffering, and fear.

    I am trying and will continue to try being on here, I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong that so few people will answer me even days after the fact. I know it's stupid, unreasonable, selfish, and impatient, nor am I really that important. I just hate feeling this way, its so selfish! I just don't understand!

    I know its human to make mistakes, but I dont know why I am so severly punished and tormented for mine, why nothing ever turns out the way it should in spite of my efforts. Why others can be forgiven and told everything is ok they have people there for them, but not me. Why I am never given another chance, why I can never make it right. Why people continuously remind me of my mistake. Why I have to suffer so much humiliation and so much judgement, why no one is willing to listen and try to understand. Why everyone just abandons and gives up on me! I don't know what I can do or what I can say or if I can be any more sorry or in any more pain! Though I've probably brought most of this on myself or its just "all in my head," I already know I'm crazy and I hate it. I already know my perceptions are flawed beyond repair, but so far this pain has been my experience and I doubt that will ever change. It's so stupid, I just don't know what to do. I can't be gentle on myself, I deserve what I get, I've made too many stupid mistakes, I've been so selfish, so pathetic, so stupid, so lazy. I have no right to feel the way I do when so many others suffer and I have nothing worth complaining about.

    I am trying to be patient but I'm so sick of waiting, so sick of trying and it's never enough, it never gets better, I just fall deeper and deeper into a hole. Its always wait a little longer, just a little longer.... how much long do I need to wait, another year, another six? I just want it to end!

    When I can make life just barely bearable after my apathy personality kicks in, I still have extreme depressive episodes every couple of months for several months. This time I have my second dominate personality to deal with, who just can't deal with all the pain and all the pain of the past. She'll get destroyed or repressed when there is too much trauma resulting from my actions and from institutionalization. The apathy personality will take back over and the cycle repeats.

    I don't know what I can do, nobody in real life cares, it's always willful, attention-getting behaviour or I'm treated like I'm not there. Donesn't matter my reason or how I feel, its never the "real reason" or the "real motivation" for my behaviour.

    I'm sorry, but I must live on another planet because dawn has lasted for a third or more of my life, if I wasn't born into it. :(
  16. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Astrid, hi again, thanks for responding so quickly. you area very good writer as well as expressing yourself with clarity, with that said at the same time I must say that I do not understand. some parts of what you are saying, I am a layman, I do not fully understand some of the terminology that you are using, I have not seen a Psychiatrist or a Psychoanalyst in quite a while, and my psychologist was not treating me for my depression as my or her primary focus, I was having issues with a new supervisor that was only interested in terminating my job. I understand however that you are hurting and seem to feel that you are singled out and you want help dealing, understanding, and improving others understanding of how and what you feel and why you feel that way, I hope you don't think or feel I am trying to be difficult, I just would like to have a way of better understanding what you are going through. if that is possible with my limited knowledge of some of the terminology and what this means to you!
    I am not sure if I am communicating this clearly to you now? am I understandable now? I must add Astrid, I do not think in any way that you have any problem regarding intelligence, I feel that you are very bright and articulate and easily understood, if anything it is mostly my understanding fully your issues. I hope this will not be a problem, I have to catch up to you, I believe at this point, I have no problem admitting that. I do enjoy talking to you, you are somewhat of a challenge for me. I guess now I have to ask for you to be patient with me please? I also heard what you said about forgiveness for yourself, I will say too in my real life here for me now, I care Astrid please remember, I am not perfect, I can and will admit or confess that, I cant hold you or expect you to be held to a higher standard them I am, that is and would be unfair, I am not sure why you should expect that to apply to you when it is not applied to everyone else! I concede it is your right and choice if that is what you want, I can do nothing really, I would protest however! Astrid, it is and continues to be a pleasure to talk to you, thank you for your time and attention!
  17. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Permanent loser

    Thank you so much, I don't know what to say but thank you so much! I started crying after I read that, thank you so much! :) And thank you so much for the compliments as well!
    It's ok, you are well understood, and again thank you so much for listening and caring! I'm really, really sorry if I said anything that upset or offend you, I didn't mean to and I'm really sorry.
    I haven't seen a psychiatrist in over a year and she never got anywhere close to this stuff, mainly because I didn't really want to talk to her and I didn't know most of this stuff until relatively recently. So, that means I've probably gotten a lot of this terminology from all the research online and the psychology books I've been reading. A lot of this has just become part of my vocabulary, so I'm really sorry, but I don't know which terms you don't understand. I'm going to assume that most of the terminology is in this paragraph:
    So to explain the first part about my depression/depressive episodes, I'm going to have to give you a little background information, so bear with me please. I have had some form of depression for about six years now. I went through four institutionalizations on two separate occasions resulting from my two suicide attempts that I was caught at. The reason for there being four institutions on only two attempts is because the first place they put you (at least for kids) is an "acute center" which is temporary treatment for maybe a week or so, at my first two acute centers, I was told by the staff that I was one of their longest staying residents (first acute center from first attempt was a month and three days, second acute center from the second attempt was three weeks and two days). If you can't "get well" at these temporary centers you will be transferred to a Residential Treatment Center where you will stay for however long is needed to "get well." My first RTC (from the first attempt) I was only there for a few days because I convinced my parents to take me out because of the level of trauma and anxiety that I had being there. The second RTC (from second attempt) I stayed there for two months and three days. I have PTSD from being there and I faked my way through there because I just died (literally) inside (my personality was destroyed). I wanted and needed out and if that meant pretending I was well, so be it. I have the stories of my experiences in these places on my website, though it is undergoing renovations and the very last part (the second RTC part) is incomplete and I don't know if I can finish it because it is so traumatic, so that is there if you want further info, be warned it is very detailed. I use the term institution because its easier to explain rather than going into the technicalities of acute centers and RTCs, and it is essentially the same thing.
    So I'll skip ahead to the last institution I was in, where I obviously had the depression diagnosis before I got there, but while there I had numerous tests performed on me (not anything bad) things like an IQ test, behavioral tests, neurological tests and so on. Anyways, one of the results of some test was that I might have ADD, my psychiatrist told me this and my parents this and wanted to start medications for it. My parents dismissed it, refused for me to be treated with medication and refused any further tests that could indicate there was something else wrong with me. I'm almost to the point, sorry. That has carried over to my psychiatrist I had since I got out and up until over a year ago. I remember suggesting to her that I might have Asperger's syndrome (Asperger's is a high-functioning autism spectrum disorder. Which means you have normal intelligence, speech, and cognitive abilities (hence high-functioning), but you have issues with social interactions and understanding social cues etc. and you tend to be really obsessive on a particular topic). This was disorder that had been suggested to me by one of the therapists who did a behavioral test on me at the RTC. I wanted to know if it was possible that I had this disorder, and she kind of laughed it off like I didn't know what I was talking about and nothing ever came of it. I guess instead of this big long thing I probably could have just said that my parents have refused to admit anything else is wrong with me so they refuse to let me get treatment or test for things I might have.
  18. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Permanent loser

    Which leads to why I'm doing my own research on things I might have based on symptoms and online tests. So back to the depressive episodes, I have suspected for a few years that I might have Dysthymia, which is chronic depression. The basis of diagnosis is having depression for two years (one year in children), I had already been depressed for about a year before my first suicide attempt, six years ago. Everyday I have wanted to desire to die and felt the depression. Depending on where you read, dysthymia can be mild depression most of the time with periods of major depressive disorder (your garden-variety depression diagnosis), others say it is like having major depression all the time with periods of severe, severe depression (which fits about what I have). You can google it if you want more information, there just is too much to put here. :) So when I say depressive episode, I mean about a month to three months of severe, severe depression. But if this was a severe, severe episode I would not be considering suicide nor would it feel like it did six years ago. Which leads me into the personality "issues" (eg apathy personality and the other dominate personality).
    I don't really know what to call it because I have found no disorder (yet) that fits the symptoms I experience. So this will be very, very hard to explain. I don't know if you have heard of Dissociative identity disorder (also know as Multiple Personality Disorder)? If you haven't please google it because I don't think I have the room to explain it too much here. MPD is a personality disorder where, because of trauma, separate personalities have been created in order to cope. Essentially you share your head with several (one or more) different people, who like different things, behave differently, and may store different memories. There are people who argue this doesn't exist and others who say this is not a mental disorder but a state of living. Either way there are many movies and books on the subject because it is so enigmatic. This is similar to what I have, as I have different "personalities". They come from many age groups, genders and probably other stuff I don't know about. What I don't have is the behavioral characteristics, anyone who knows me would not assume another personality has taken control because I would still behave, act, express in the same way I always have. But my ideas, favorite things, goals, hopes, anything external might change briefly if only a minor personality takes over or almost permanently if a dominate personality has taken over. In other words, it is a purely internal condition and internal change, unlike with MPD. People with MPD are also unaware of the other personalities existence, but I am, they expirence a "blackout" in memory when personalities change, I don't.
    I have two main ones, an apathy personality that acts as a protector, so they don't care what people think of them, they take a more pessimistic, negative, and aggressive view of the world they are extremely realistic and they are also less observant and less hurt by others. They are an androgynous personality, they prefer metal and industrial music, salty foods, and like shock value. This personality has been the dominate personality for most of my life because they make life bearable. This personality also doesn't really like emotions and when decisions are being made (say you are trying to convince a room full of people how a certain objective will be reached, one person says through logical steps or through careful analysis (logic) another says think of the human impact and what the people will feel (emotion)) this personality is more likely to favor the logical side and the realistic perception of the world and life in general and ignore emotion. (Yes, every time I want to make a decisions all other the main personalities have their input on what should be done, what should be considered etc.) So this personality is very dominate and doesn't like my other dominate personality purely because she is emotionally oriented and places so much emphasis on being liked.
    My other dominate personality is female, I don't know a lot about her because she has been so repressed and a lot of her hope and dreams have been crushed, either years ago, or more recently. I'm not sure how she is a dominate personality, the only reason I can think of is she might be my actual personality, because in spite of the judgement of all the other personalities she still does what she wants and it is less of a democratic assembly of all the personalities, she treats them as just advisers (unlike with apathy who listens to everyone then chooses the most logical course of action). I think her main drive is hope, because she doesn't rely on logic at all unless it fits in her grand scheme of things. She is very enigmatic to me and because she has only been in my life twice now. I'm sorry I'm probably doing a terrible job explaining this.
    She has only "come out" twice in my memory, once six years ago before my severe depression, she brought repressed memories and the realization of what happened to me as a child. The institutionalization literally destroyed her, she became repressed and dismembered. I think later different parts of her were incorporated into other personalities (like emotion). And she is here now (or more specifically a month ago), but I didn't realize until after I had everything crushed, and when I realized she "took over" as the dominate personality and I wasn't happy about it nor were any other personalities. When she came back she brought several of the repressed memories from the RTC and some other unexplained memories from when I was two or three. She likes Michael Jackson almost exclusively music wise, and naturally sweet foods.
  19. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Permanent loser

    I don't really want to explain the others because I don't know how many there are and it would be even harder to explain.
    The only thing I think all the personalities have in common is that they all are big on animal rights (to varying degrees, of course).
    I'm sorry this is probably not what you were looking for when you asked, and I've probably done a horrible job explaining it and I just really don't know how, its a very enigmatic concept. I guess maybe the best way to explain would be like how everyone has a conscious, that little voice that tells you right and wrong. Just imagine that and make it into 7 to 15 different people or different voices each with independent thought processes and ideas. Then lastly imagine having to depend on them to live, without their input there is very little you can do, otherwise you don't know how you are perceived, how to relate to others, how to decide a course of action/make a decision by weighing the odds and numerous other things. Yes they all talk but its more like thought (they aren't auditory hallucinations) and it comes from "outside" yourself. Nor do they say negative stuff, it might be harsh, realistic and hard to hear at times, but it is the truth and it is backed up with evidence.
    The "personalities" thing probably explains my contradictory behavior at times and maybe other stuff I'm not aware of. I have also though of other personality disorders like Avoidant Personality Disorder, which is an extreme form of social anxiety, where you can't function around others and cannot form relationships. I fit every one of the criteria, but it doesn't explain the "personalities" stuff listed above. Borderline personality disorder, which you probably know about as I've seen a lot of info for it on this site, I fit few of the criteria, but I'm not impulsive or have any form of anger issues.
    Now moving on to the last part of the paragraph, this has a lot to do with my parents specifically my mom. I have not exactly been able to eat normally for the last month maybe in part of the depression, she just assumes that I'm doing it to starve myself, despite that I've told her I'm just not hungry multiple times when she's asked and it's the truth. But to her she always knows what my motivation is, this is not uncommon. If I'm having stomach issues or anything related, I'm doing it to not go to school, or I'm doing it for the attention, which is why its better to say nothing most of the time and act "normal" as much as possible. That, and my parents made it clear to me that if I ever attempted, self-harmed, etc. they would put me back in that RTC, which is a death sentence for me, they also like to joke about it when ever we go to that part of town, to me that's just inappropriate. I still have nightmares and fear that I will wake up there again, there is no way I could go back there ever.
    Please, I don't mind you asking what a term I use means, its perfectly fine, ask away I'll try to explain it the best I can :)
  20. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Astrid, Hi for me it is now morning, I have read and I think now I understand a little better what you are dealing with and going through, I am sorry that you have so much that you have to deal with on a daily basis, I seem to always tend to forget how amazingly resilient the human body and mind are, to deal with all that you are and Still want to go on?
    I now have a better understanding of you, what I understand is I cannot even come close to know the depths of pain and frustration that you have endured. If I have a hard time understanding it, I can only imagine what it is like to live with it! I am truly sorry is all I can say!

    Astrid, you have not offended, bothered or upset me in any way, not in the slightest, Don't worry about that, especially now, There are some things I would like to know, I will wait either until it comes up as part of a normal learning process for both of us or it is something that you think or feel I should know.
    I have an internet connection that is like funky, sometimes it works well like it has so far this morning.at other times I have a hard time getting a page to load! Some times I lose power, So I have gotten use to things like that here.
    I hear what you are saying about the RTC, I have been in some as well The longest stay was 7 weeks, I do have some Idea of your feelings towards them! I really do understand your not wanting to go back, thank you for your patience with me, I think it is nice we do have a mutual love of animals, I sometimes had a tendency to not talk about my pets, furry companions,my little loves, or other terms of endearment, I have stopped, I now tend to overdo if that is possible, , my love and affection for my pet part of my family, actually the only part that matters to me now! Please understand, you and the others that I talk to in here are very important to me as well. never forget that!!
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