I hate being such a coward. I just want to end it all, I almost did on my birthday, in spite of a promise I made to someone that I wouldn't. Then I realized how selfish, irresponsible, and just plain devastating that would be to them if they ever found out, but I doubt they really care that much. And if I had succeeded, I would be breaking a promise for the second time in my life. It's kind of the only reason I'm here now is to keep that promise, not that it really matters. I'm tired of just wasting time, wasting my life holding on to the hope of something better. Its such a stupid, impossible belief and I don't know why I still hold on to it, its brought me nothing but pain. One side says to accept depression as a state of being, that it won't get better and move on already, stop worrying about things that are unimportant, impossible, and impractical, it's just a waste of time. Killing yourself is the most cowardly thing you can do, it means you say to the millions and billions of other people and animals who are worse off than you, that you matter more, you are suffering worse than them when you clearly aren't. Just put aside that putrid cesspool of dumb emotions, grow up, move on already, you are just making it worse on yourself for no reason. You are letting weakness get the better if you. You are getting what you deserve, accept it and move on. This is who had been present most of my life because they can handle things. The other side desperately wants something better, but she is afraid of change, she is afraid of judgement and the humiliation. She's just afraid of everything. She feels she can almost taste something better it just will take a few weeks or another month, another year... if she could just have this or that, things would be better. She despirately wants to believe she's a good person but no one she can believe has ever told her so. She knows her own unimportance but she wants to feel like she is important, she wishes that everything she has been told is wrong, but she knows it is all too clearly correct. She doesn't want to live as a selfish, lazy, spoiled, weird, strange, attention-seeking person. She believes the world is better off without her, she can contribute nothing but more and more mistakes. She's not worth it, she is just a waste of resources. She can never do anything right despite how much she tries, her efforts are in always in vain. Her life is in vain, she wants to believe it isn't, but she knows it is. She can't deal with the torturous pain, she can't deal with the abysmally deep feeling of loneliness, all the shame, humiliation, and judgement, the fear and uncertainty, or the utter disgust of who and what she is. She can't understand why, she can't move on, she can't speak out because of fear. She knows she's so unimportant she shouldn't say anything, it just draws attention she is unworthy of, nor is she an attention-getter. She wishes otherwise and so she deserves what she gets. Very rarely does this one say around with me, she is too easily manipulated and after enough trauma is dismembered and destroyed until the next time when (flase) hope is awakened I'm still so tempted, it is so easy and it would be so quick, then it would all be over. I probably wouldn't be missed, in fact my family would be better off, less money to waste on food, clothes and school for one other kid, same with birthdays and christmas. I have no friends so no loss there. I'd worry about my pets because I don't trust them in the care of my mom, she's told me if a disaster were to happen she'd have no issue with killing them and eating them to survive. And when they get sick she won't pay to help them get better, becuase It's just "too expensive," which shows me just how little their precious, innocent lives mean to her. Then if I succeded as I said before, I'd be breaking a promise, and intentionally causing another person pain, (if they ever found out, or even care). Which I have no right to do, ever. Especially after all the stupid things I've said and done. It's funny, despite considering myself a very, very religious person, I've never blamed god or had second thoughts about how suicide is negatively thought of and forbidden in religion. It's funny because it shows how much of a hypocrite I am by thinking of myself as religious or even an ethical person for that matter.