I hate being "crazy"

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by calypsoissick, May 7, 2011.

  1. calypsoissick

    calypsoissick Member

    Everywhere I go I am constantly reminded that I'm not "right" or "normal". It's the same shit all the time. People feel the need to call me weird, crazy, psycho, freak, and many other things. I get so tired of people demanding me to change in order to fit their standards. I have issues, alright? I can't help the fact that I get so depressed it's as if my body isn't real. It's not my fault that my thoughts get so overwhelming that I can't cope with it anymore. I didn't know that my impulses were out of control until I became a young adult. I wasn't aware that my need to fidget all the time bothered you. I didn't know that my highs and lows were a problem. I was unsure what was happening when my bad memories started infiltrating my dreams. I didn't know my visual an auditory hallucinations made me a "psycho killer" and a "schizo maniac" even though I don't freak out about them. I didn't know having a personality disorder made me such an awful person. I didn't know having ADHD made me a "retard" or a "loser". I wasn't aware that my anxiety made you wanna puke. My paranoia is such a bad thing to you. I didn't know my mood swings made me impossible to be around. I didn't see that Bipolar Disorder in my family history made me bipolar as well. (Even though my therapist said it was a high possibility) You have no idea how miserable it is for me to have so much to put up with all at once. My thoughts never stop, I can never relax, I feel like I'm living a lie because it's all I have known, I feel like I'm all alone because I have so much shit that's "wrong" with me. I don't know how to please you people anymore. I feel like I need to take a bunch of stupid fucking pills just so I can fit your criteria of "normal" or "sane". You would rather have a drugged up me rather than me not fit your standards that are unreachable to me. Well, I'm sorry I can't be smart enough because of my ADHD. I'm sorry I can't be normal because of my personality disorder NOS. I'm sorry you think I'm crazy because my real world merges with the imaginary and not so real. I'm sorry I can't just sit down and never speak because my impulses rule my life. I'm sorry I'm not in therapy everyday for your fucking sake. I'm sorry that I can't be around you because of the fact that I don't have my head on "straight". fuck you, and your stupid ass normalcies and shit. I'm done trying to act like everyone else just so people will accept me. I'm tired of being treated like shit for being sick. I may be mentally twisted but that's how I was fucking made. I was destined to suffer for the rest of my life even though I don't see what I did wrong. And no, I can't just "snap out of it" for you. No magic pills or bullets. I just have to live with it and manage it the best I can, so shut your fucking mouths just cause I'm not perfect. I'm trying as hard as I can to make my life manageable and livable. Do you think I enjoy being so depressed that I cry all day, never want to get out of bed, and having to remind myself to breath? Do you think that it's fun to be on such a high mood that I get into trouble? Do you think I like having my mind play these tricks on me, and have voices say mean things to me in my hours of pain and distress? Do you think I enjoy have eight thoughts going on in my head at once? Do you think it's funny that I have been bullied all my life even to this day? What? Do you think it's amusing when I get pissed off for no reason. Do you really think that I am ok with worrying and obsessing constantly? You think that it's cute when I do the same rituals over and over and over? I'M NOT OK WITH THIS! I don't like or enjoy this. It is making me miserable because no one would hear me out except for a select few. Nobody truly understands unless they have been there. I get intentionally ostracized and left out because of my own mind that I have no control over. I am tired of being taunted, teased, and scolded for things I didn't ask for!!!!!

    Sorry, I needed to rant about mean, close minded people for a moment.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    glad you are venting your frustrations out here. You do have some control through your choices of how to go about fixing the things you hate about you.
    You can go to therapy if you do not want to take meds Everyone can benefit from change . who to say the people that are judging you are normal they obviously have problems or they would not be making your life more hell I hope you keep venting out the pain here hugs to you
  3. calypsoissick

    calypsoissick Member

    I know....I was just really mad at the time. I have been in therapy for about a month or so, she hasn't really suggested any drug treatment just yet.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi im glad you are in treatment and in time maybe meds will help too depends on you good for you getting the help you deserve hugs
  5. Mr. E

    Mr. E Well-Known Member

    Hi Calypso,

    I feel the same way you do about a lot of things- I'm glad you came here to get things off of your chest. Often times, it's people and society that are the problem, not you. I know it can be frustrating. Stick it out with therapy and meds if you get prescribed, and hopefully things will get better