I hate being like this

[anon_anon]

About 18 months ago I was feeling really low, had all the pills I'd need saved up. I'd dropped out of Uni and was close to getting fired from my job. I only had my job part time and I couldn't get my full time hours back so my money was draining fast.

Anyway, long story short, I pulled myself back. I went back to Uni, got a girlfriend and sorted my life out. I stand an excellent chance of getting a good degree, i love my girlfriend and I'm able to manage my money.

Then about 4 months ago I got IBS. It's got gradually worse and now a lot of the time I can't even leave the house. Nothing is enjoyable any more because I'm in constant pain and all I can think about is shitting myself. I'm holding my girlfriend back so much.

I'm so scared about going back to Uni after the Summer. I'm meant to be having counselling there on Monday but I don't even know if my stomach will actually let me go. Monday's my birthday too, but I don't even care.

I feel like I'm just constantly letting people down. I let my girlfriend down every single day. I let my boss down because I can't go to work a lot of the time. I let my parents down because they shared my optimism about my degree.

I am good at my degree and I would get a good job and be successful. 4 months ago I knew that, absolutely. I was so proud of the way I'd turned everything around. Then it all got stolen from me. I don't even want to die. I just don't want my life if it's like this. I'm a good person. I deserve a fair chance to achieve something near my potential. Oh well, guess I'm not allowed that.

The only thing stopping me is what it would do to my girlfriend. But every time I let her down I know a little more that me not being around is best for her in the long run. I can't keep holding her back, but I can't live without her.

 

[Frankenstein.Girl]

Hun No one is going to look at an illness as letting them down you sound like you did an amazing job at turning you're life around and you don't deserve this
You not being able to do some things is alot better than you not being around at all
I can garentee it would hurt you're family and girlfriend alot more if you died than you not going back to school yet if thats what it takes
Keep being strong

 

[Shadowplay]

Hi, welcome to the forum

I know you're very anxious about going back to school, but you gotta give it a try even if it doesnt work out thats not the end of the world either, Otherwise you'll just end up wondering what would have happend for the rest of your life. I know how you feel about your stomach problems too, I have my own, and yeah they suck, have you tried to find treatment for it?
I with what Frankenstein.Girl has said, it would hurt your family and gf a lot.
Try to stay strong, feel free to PM me if you theres something i can do to help.

Kurt