I Hate Binge Eating!

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by ThePhantomLady, Nov 18, 2015.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I've binged pretty bad tonight.

    I have BED since I was a pre-teen. It started with me passing a store on my way home from school where I was severely bullied by teachers as well as students.

    I have always struggled with my weight, the past 5 years my weight have pretty much stalled though, despite me not being able to eat or exercise properly. I do know what to eat, but I've got a tight budget and that along with my physical issues (sick back and hip) and that I never learned to cook at home it's just not easy to have a healthy diet...

    When I get upset, stressed, depressed or have a need to 'punish' myself I've binged. I've even managed to punish a binge by binging.

    I hit an all time low this year when I started reading bulimia blogs with tips and tricks... and actually followed them... I started out only doing it at home, but I even had to do it at my mum's place... And that got so damn humiliating... TMI, but my back and hip issues are part of why I have a weakened bladder, and when throwing up I also urinate... and at mum's place I couldn't find a bucket and didn't bring a bag... so I ended up with wet trousers and couldn't change, or explain to my mother what happened.

    I try hard not to fall back into that... it's such a false feeling of control and much more dangerous than binging.

    Ugh. Back to today...
    I had a bit of an OCD panic attack at home changing some plasters on my heels... I managed to get out of it with a good hot shower, lots of scrubbing and cleaning...

    I recently won a gift card for fastfood... having a sore back today and being so tired I decided on walking into town to pick up some takeaway for dinner... I also went to a chocolate store and got myself some, it was meant to last a long time...

    At the beauty store where I had earned a gift card from completing surveys online I suddenly got a minor anxiety attack. For some reason I end up feeling trapped in there, it's a big shop but with way too much stuff boxing you in, and then when I asked a question about nailart brushes the lady had no idea what I was talking about; and looked at me like I was from mars.
    I briefly had a thought about harming myself when I walked past the plasters...

    I ended up ordering way too much food and after I felt bad... I tried to clear the taste that was giving me guilt with a mentos... but suddenly I finished the entire pack... not long after I ate all the chocolate too.

    Ugh. I feel fat and ugly. I can't do anything really to counter this... I can't really exercise with my bad back.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 18, 2015
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