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I hate bullying

Jsinjin

SF Supporter
#1
But I hate it most from my spouse. I don't even think she knows she is doing it; she just attacks everything and anything she even imagines is wrong. It's so continuous.and after 27 years you would think I would be out of it but it's always there. I've had 6 major ideation episodes including one hat led to partial hospitalization and it just keeps haplening.

I don't know how to escape.
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
ADMIN
#2
Hi @Jsinjin - Bullying sucks! I’m sorry your spouse is attacking everything and anything she thinks is wrong.

I know that if we are living with constant criticism, put downs, and nasty behaviour, it can be very tiring. I’m guessing that no matter what people around her say and do, she is always dissatisfied and lashing out. That lashing out is really about her. You are not responsible for her feelings, nor can you change her. You are responsible for your own behaviour/words, and for how you respond to her if she starts in on something. We all own and feel our feelings, but we can choose our actions in response to our emotions.

Since we cannot change other people, maybe we need to change how we respond to what a bully does or says. Bullies want us to feel “less than” in some way, somehow at fault, a failure, not good enough, deserving of a lashing out...Over time, it’s hard not to be worn down by bully to some degree. The way up is to learn to know our own strengths and weaknesses so well that no one else can topple us with unmerited attacks. It takes practice.

You seem like a good person who is caught in a tough spot: a long-term marriage to someone who can be hard to be with at times. And somehow she has gotten under your skin and you feel badly. And yet you have been able to stand back and see that she does this bullying a lot, constantly, for years. And maybe she doesn’t even know she does it. Observations such as you made require awareness and even empathy. So you have good points that perhaps you are overlooking right now.

Changing our perspective and response to a bully takes time. And it’s likely that the bully won’t back down after just one incident where we don’t fold because of their words/behaviour. We need to be firm and consistent over a number of incidents. We also need to know ourselves and our behaviour really well so that we can measure the truth of the bully’s attack.

My question for you is how much of what she says when she lashes out is true and how much is just playing on ways to make others (including you) feel insecure and/or hurt? Bullies are skilled at finding tender spots in others. Usually, the target is a very good, very competent person, with empathy and skills the bully wishes he/she had.

I think you are in a space where maybe you are tired of the constant battle to feel good when your wife tears things down, and yet you are “ready” to see yourself in a better light than she puts you. Give yourself some time. Please, please, don’t let someone else’s comments about you, even from your wife, influence you to the point that you consider suicide. You have good things to offer the world. Find those things and hold on to them. When your wife decides to lash out, you will have a personal store of “good things about me” to help you fight the negative she might express. You are just as valuable as anyone else. Please hold on to that. :)
 

MosesY

Functioning Alcoholic
SF Supporter
#4
It is interesting to consider pack mentality in dogs. For instance, if you let the dog go out of the door ahead of you they consider themselves the leader of the pack. You are low on the totem pole. If you are walking down a hall and they bump against you as they go past you are low on the totem pole. It is really interesting to see how to become the leader of the pack when you have a dog, how to become the person they respect and submit to. Bullies are the leader of the pack, they consider themselves dominant because people don't stand up to them. My suggestion is to stand up to them. You are a good person, you have good traits. You have to remind them of that without raising your voice, without yelling or becoming violent, you have to be calm and in control, believe in yourself. I hope that you help with the housework, don't spend all your time gaming on the computer, etc., so that you have something to stand on. I don't know a lot about you from your post, excuse me, but I think you are a good person and deserve better.
 

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