I HATE Christmas.

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by thelaststraw, Nov 29, 2008.

  1. thelaststraw

    thelaststraw Active Member

    Back in 2003, my life exploded. In November my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer (mesotheliama - asbestos caused cancer). He had gone into the hospital on my husbands birthday in October, diagnosed in November. Mom and Dad had been seperated for many, many years, but were now good friends. My Dad was an abusive alcoholic when I was young. He was now clean and sober. I had "daddy" back. And NOW:sad:

    Mom was taking it very hard of course. Her birthday was on the 13th of December. It was a very hard one for her. It should have been special. It was her sixtieth. But with Dad dying, my cousin making a fundraising social for her wedding on my Mom's birthday, the stress of the Christmas season (knowing it was going to be Dad's last - and both mom and I always a little sad around Christmas, as my grandpa died on the 22nd of Dec in '86). She had a heart attack on the 21st. When I phoned the ambulance, all I could think of was my grandpa....could God be so cruel as to do that again??!!!

    On Christmas Eve, I was in the hospital room with my Dad. His mind was starting to go now...He insisted he wanted to go to my Mom's funeral, BUT HOW?? The hospital got two paramedis to accompany him, while he was in a wheelchair w/oxygen tanks. Ay one point in the service, the tank that was being used, stopped, and the paramedics had to quickly change it. It was unreal. WHAT SICK FUCK dreamt this up???!!!
    Dad ended up dying on Jan 27 2004.

    I CAN'T TAKE the sound of Christmas carols. I literally get twitchy. I DON"T decorate anymore. I was the type of annoying person who started decorating early, humming Christmas carols to myself when it started to snow.

    I CAN'T WAIT until March:blub::blub:
  2. daniel2

    daniel2 Banned Member

    I hate christmas too. Not for the same reasons though. I dont care about presents or anything but every year people are counting on me to provide christmas for them. I just want to say "fuck off!!!" I'm not santa claus. I'm so depressed I hate this season. If I had one wish for christmas it would be to be happy - not by getting things but true peace in my mind - but that's not going to happen. I would like to give myself the gift of ending my life but there are people who need me. So I shut my mouth and smile and fake my way through another dreadful christmas.
  3. HarleyTwin

    HarleyTwin Staff Alumni

    Oh sweetie, that must be so harsh. I too know what it's like to have several losses in such a small amount of time. Between 2002 and 2003, I lost three of my children. Two of which were only 4 months apart. It is harsh, and we who constantly grieve can never truly explain to someone who we are hurting.

    Christmas is hard for me too. My son's birthday is on Christmas Day (Christmas Day for the U.S, December 26th here in Australia) and this year is especially hard, because I will be completely on my own. Which is probably the best thing.

    We all deal with our own grief and loss differently, and I can understand why you would not want to decorate, it must be hard as hell. However, I'll tell you from my point of view:

    I myself, have gone all out this year. I've never been able to celebrate Christmas the way I've always wished. It also being summer here, it's difficult to do so seeing as my idea of my own Christmas would include snow and New York City. When I was younger, we were extremely poor (I still am, but it's a little managable) We didn't get to do much for Christmas, and we'd have a small fake Christmas tree bought from cheap dollar stores. (Actually, most people do it that way here, it's easier than sweeping up the pine needles). We never got to decorate the house in Christmas lights and decorations, it was really small. Plus most of the family members we were close to, were Jehovah's Wittnesses, so it was always small.

    I settled a few weeks ago that I wasn't going to have any holidays at all this year. I was just going to ignore it all, and let it pass me by. I'm also half Jewish as well, so rationally, it wouldn't be too much of a task.

    But I thought to myself; 'you know what? I'm going to enjoy this Christmas, I'm going to decorate my house like I've always wanted, learn to make eggnog, and me and my cat are going to have something really special.' I put my tree up, and in memory of my children, put three different ceramic angels up. Each representing something special about them.

    I know your situation is vastly different. My reason for telling you this, is that I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in how you feel. I still do hate the holidays, but at the same time, I try to do what I can for it not to drive me crazy. Making it special is much more than pretending it doesn't exist. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to PM me. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers, and I truly hope you feel better soon.

  4. jam1e

    jam1e Guest

    I'm sorry to hear of your hurt. I lost my dad in December too. Although, he was an alcoholic wife beater, i still loved him as he was my dad!
    March is a good month "thelaststraw", a new beginning! For you and me hopefully!:smile:
  5. thelaststraw

    thelaststraw Active Member

    Thank you both jam1e and GraceAndShadow:hug:

    It helps to know that I'm not alone. Sometimes we forget, in our own misery, that other people have similar situations...

    GraceAndShadow - OMG my heart hurts for you :hug: :hug::rose:
  6. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    I am very sorry to hear you have had to go through this every Christmas since 2004.
  7. Epical Taylz

    Epical Taylz Well-Known Member

    i hate christmas too, but only because i hate how greedy everyone is. buy me this and that. my boyfriend sold his xbox to buy himself an iPod (mp3 player), and his mom yelled at him for not spending the money on his family, also called him selfish.

    plus, my parents are always fighting during this time, and i am really sick of it.
  8. thelaststraw

    thelaststraw Active Member

    The thing is, for Christmas 2006 and 2007, life seemed so much better. I was making a "new" life. I truely felt "alive" again. The pain was still there, obviously, but life was startinf to "fill in" the void.
    It was taken away, So now (if this makes any sense), things this year seem even harder
  9. TheWr0ngChild

    TheWr0ngChild Well-Known Member

    The whole Christmas shutdown scares me because I live so close the the edge of my sanity. I dread having a "meltdown" at that time of year when all my possible outlets are either closed, drunk or hundreds of miles away.
    Last year I got so bad I landed up shutting myself in the bedroom and shoving my face into a pile of clothes so nobody could hear me screaming & crying. It was a very sad time indeed dispite my boyfriend's every effort to make it the opposite.

    When I was 5 years old my dad passed away from terminal cancer in the November of 1991. I remember the Christmas after he died being the most horrendous one of all. My mum trying to manage his unsympathetic mother, her adopted brother who is deaf, and the rest of the family. All this as me and my sister played with our new toys, oblivious to our mum's greif and I was thinking he'd took a plane to heaven and would be arriving home any minute for Christmas!.

    The best possible explanation I have ever heard, and probably the most consolling one related to death and Christmas was at my school. I used to go to a school for people with Autism and Aspergers (having Aspergers myself) and trying to explain death to any of them was almost impossible. Anyway one year one of the guys in my class lost his grandad just before we broke up for Christmas, and I remember the teacher explaining to him that his grandad was not coming back no, but was having a big party in heaven for Jesus's birthday! Now I'm not religous or anything even close, but I thought what a bright and novel way to explain something so tragic and unhappy to someone with so little understanding.

    Another thing that makes me hate Christmas is the corporate greed that envelops EVERYTHING. My mum and me went out looking for an 80gb ipod, which she told me she would buy me for Christmas, anyway when we started looking we were told in every shop the 80gb had stopped being made! So just in time for Christmas the only larger memory ipod available was the £20 more expensive 120gb! It's that shit that really angers me, specialy in these hard pressed times where people are fighting to put a plate of food in front of them.

    Supermarkets are the biggest evil at this time of year, they subltly bang up the prices of ALL the foods. Like I noticed tins of Tesco Value tuna had leaped from about 29p to 49p in a week! We sometimes buy tuna incase we run out of cat food, but at almost £1 for 2 tins, what a fucking rip off.

    All children think Christmas is about is money, presents, trees, tinsel and turkey. Greed in other words. The lie of santa is another thing that really angers me, parents are telling their kids all year round that telling lies is very bad, and then at Christmas they tell them some fat man in a red suit flies through the sky, slides down chimneys and gives them presents! It's this that causes kids a lot of greif at Christmas as they are not aware of the monetary value of their long "santa lists".

    I don't buy gifts or send cards to people I don't like or hardly know, so why should anyone else, cut the cost by only doing direct family. My mum has an agreement among the adults that they will only send them cards and buy small token gifts for the kids. This way it saves a lot of cash and trouble.
  10. Inque

    Inque Member

    It's funny you should mention 'the Santa lie' Tin.

    I felt incredibly betrayed when my mother told me there was no Santa Claus. I remember crying and being really angry at her for weeks. I think that was a really definitive moment for me in my relationship with my parents. That was the first time I knew they had lied to me and I started to question everything else they ever told me since then.
  11. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    I hate christmas too.:mad:
  12. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    i am with you here. dreading it , already getting really fucked up over it. i will be alone. i have no family, am disabled and pregnant ( the fucking father did a runner taking my cash with him ). its a hideous time of year and i have no idea how i will cope to be honest.
  13. Atheist Demon

    Atheist Demon Account Closed

    This is going to be my first Xmas without my grandmother, and I don't think I will be around my family. I miss her cause she always made Christmas special.
  14. gothic_spleen

    gothic_spleen Antiquities Friend

    Good i am not alone in the hatred of xmas. The comercialization of the holiday, the faith based BS, the general mood of the whole thing is horrible. Living in the bible belt of the southern US makes it even worse. I dont usually come here unless im falling back into my depression hole, which I am, hence me even posting. But this thing, this lie, this farse of christmas, is how do i say....about useless.
  15. Atheist Demon

    Atheist Demon Account Closed

    I couldn't agree more, Tulsa, OK is the buckle of the bible belt.
  16. gothic_spleen

    gothic_spleen Antiquities Friend

    I hate to one-up ya, but try east TN

  17. Atheist Demon

    Atheist Demon Account Closed

    Southern Red states suck completely.
  18. gothic_spleen

    gothic_spleen Antiquities Friend

    its even harder to run a goth club in the red states, hell mine will probrably go under on xmas....I hate xmas.
  19. Atheist Demon

    Atheist Demon Account Closed

    Everyone here loves country and rap music. There is a VERY small goth/emo/punk/metal scene. I need to leave redneck Oklahoma so bad.
  20. ilovewoodchuck

    ilovewoodchuck Active Member

    I understand completely. I just lost my mother last month, and am dreading the 1st Christmas without her. Thank goodness we are going to visit my husband's family, so being around all of those people (no matter how much they irritate me) will be distracting for me, my daughter, and my husband.

    Plus for the past few years, my husband and I have both worked retail. Enough said.