For years I've felt loneliest in December. The family holidays, my birthday, my fathers birthday, the New year. And every year its like nothings changed, it only seems harder. Last year I tried to kill myself in this period. I've had a difficult life for a person my age and experienced too many losses. I have no parents any more, no close family. Those who are still alive are the ones that caused me most of the pain in my childhood. My half brother who have raped me and abused me for years, my aunt that hates me because she hates my mother and curses me almost every day. I try to be there for everyone, to help them in any way I can. I know that I'm not perfect but I'm trying to improve. And nobody cares, if I help someone, someone else will say why did you help them and not me, nobody seems satisfied if between the party and a friend in need I chose a friend in need. And the persons I chose to help turn their backs on me every time they don't need something from me. And I end up feeling alone and guilty, for getting hurt, for trusting. Because it seems that I can't do anything right. That there is always something wrong with me, that nobody cares about how I feel, if I need something but expect me to leave everything when they need me. And I still leave things so I can help them. Cause I care for them, I consider them friends, I don't like seeing people suffer around me because I know the pain, and it is not something I want for others. Nobody should be hurt or alone, with no one to talk to, or just sit beside in silence. And here I am, again, feeling suicidal, imagining if anyone would care if I died, if it would really hurt anyone. And how it would be to finally don't feel anything, no pain, no joy, no anxiety, depression, anger, happiness. To have everything stop, heartbeat, thoughts. Simply nothing. I really don't know how to pass through this feeling again. It was a miracle I managed last year. I don't know if the part of me that says "I want to live" is just a lie I made myself believe. I just wish I had a shoulder to cry on. My parents to be there like they should, cause I really miss them.