I hate everything I hate myself I hate my mom my dad my f--king life. I hate her and I feel like a monster for it. Little background first: I'm the youngest of 4, the only boy and the only one who's gay. I'm 19. I've never felt like my family really loved me. I know my parents are ashamed of me for being gay like it's my fault like I chosen this. My two older sisters moved out as soon as they were 18 and never looked back. I mean they come home maybe two times a year but they live out of state. So It's me and the third oldest (let's call her Kay) and my parents. A few years ago Kay was raped by a family friends nephew and it was very damaging for my family. I felt bad for her but I was going through a lot to. I just figured out I was gay and started hating myself for it. When I'm feeling bad I still insult myself about it. It's like a 1000 voices whispering to me letting me know I'm worthless. I can't stand it when it gets really bad I just want to curl up and die. Anyway I was trying to fight the fact I had a crush on my friend and I really wanted to date him so one night at his house I final worked up the courage to tell him. When he started bashing gay people and seconds before I was gonna tell him. I was crushed I managed to make it to his bathroom and I just broke down I cried so hard I throw up and had to go home. I spend the rest of the day and the whole next day in bed crying and biting myself ( I didn't have a knife or anything sharp then) I wanted to die I just wanted to rip my heart out and throw it away and who got all the attention my sister. She got everything and I ended up doing everything she asked or she was suppose to do. Now about 3 years later she was sexual assaulted again and I was super supportive and I tried to be there but I can't stand it. She doesn't do anything. She quit her job ( a co workers boyfriend did it and the co worker started spreading rumors) so she doesn't work. She's been out of school of a year and says she gonna go back but she never does anything to do it. She never go's out or anything and she just set there and yells at me. I'm trying to start collage. I just finished my first month and I don't think I'm doing well. It's just like high school I have A's and B's but no friends no life and I'm so alone but can't force myself to met people. I'm 19 and I've never even been on a date let alone kissed. I've never even heard someone not in my family say they loved me. I have so much again and sense I'm not the favorite I'm throw aside. I can't even talk to her. I just get so frustrated with her I just want to yell at her but I can't. My mother always takes her side with everything even when I'm right I'm the bad guy. I can't win no one cares about me and I feel like they hate me. She has me cleaning up after her, cooking for her in fu-king helping her write a resume all on top of my school work. I hate her I hate her so much. I can't stand this fu-king house I hate it here but I have no money I have no idea how to live out there I can't do anything I feel so fu-king trapped. I've been trying to years to end it but I'm so fu-king weak I can't. I tried cutting but I can't get deep enough. I don't have a gun I'd have to wait till I'm 21 for a handgun and I can't do that. I have in a cigar box in my room a garbage bag a belt and a bag of sleeping pill. I also have a noose I made hanging from a bed post (hidden of course) when I made it I was so depressed I tried to do it. I read you can hang yourself from the bed post by laying down with it wrapped around your neck. I just don't know what I'm doing and I hate it. I hate everything I hate everyone. I put it around my neck and tried it and it worked. I felt it cutting off my air I tried to scream I don't know why I wanted it. But nothing came out and I got really scared and started kicking. I just barely got it off in time. I laid there for 30 minutes and no one cared no one even when to check on me. I hidden everything. But I really think if I feel that bad again I won't stop and part of me is okay with that. I don't know know why I fly between depressed and so angry I feel like I could kill someone but I can't show that I can't be angry because I'm the bad guy and it's all my fault. I don't know maybe it is my fault I know I should blame my sister I just can't stand her I use to be able to I use to hide it but know we get into fight almost every day. I know it's a matter of time before I say something really awful. I also know my parents are ready to kick me out because like I said I'm just the failure fag son no one wants so why pick me over the favorite ?! They wouldn't even miss me I bet I could hang myself in my room and be left there for the whole week and they won't even care. F--K I don't even know what I'm doing anymore I hate myself I hate everything I can't do anything right !!!!!