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i hate everything.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by xLonleyOne, Jan 22, 2008.

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  1. xLonleyOne

    xLonleyOne Guest

    Hi !
    Since this is my first post I sorta feel obligated to tell you about myself, but I really dont feel like it.
    To get to the point;
    I was put in a group home in August of 06 for not going to school. I have a problem with meeting new people, in person at least. I'm very self conscious. I moved from Minnesota to Pennsylvania in the 7th grade, and I've never been the same.
    I never knew I had a fear of people until I moved here. I don't know how to adjust, that's the thing. When I was in that group home, I hated it at first. I didnt talk to anyone, however everyone seemed to be intrested in talking to *ME*. This bothered me at first, now, 2 years later (almost), as much as I hated being told what to do by a bunch of people who really dont care about me, I really miss my roomates. Those girls, every single one of them, were like my sisters. They understood me. They had gone through worse things in life than I have, but they understood everything. Unlike people here, they're like, "you should be greatful." "some people dont have this, this blahblah". That was the source of my hatred for myself. I felt selfish for hating everything when everyone else thought I had so much. My one roomate, Amy, she taught me that pain is pain. No matter where it comes from, it feels the same.
    I miss these girls so much. I miss everything.
    Now, I'm starting a new school, *AGAIN*, and I honestly cant deal with it. I'm being kind of watched, kind of monitored, you know, by the courts and the system.
    I dont want to go to another group home. I cant. I wont. I don't know why I'm like this. I've been out of this group home for a little over 2 weeks and I've laready missed 5 days of school because I'm afraid to go.
    The other day, my mom came home and yelled at me for not going. She told me taht adopting me was the worst mistake of her and my dads lives, that if I get put back into a group home she will not have contact with me, that she's given up on me and that I just use them. That I don't care about them.
    I care, I care so much. I love them. So much, they are my everything. It doesnt seem like it because of what I do, and I dont know if I'm making excuses or not but I really cannot help the fact that I fear people the way I do.
    And it's not neccecairly fear ethier, it's more like... anxiousness? I dont know, that feeling that you get when you meet a new person... or better yet, if someone put you in the middle of China, you didnt know ANYONE, anywhere, no money, couldnt speak the language and you thought everyone was looking at you as if you dont belong and you didnt know what to do. THAT's what it feels like when I goto school.
    I want to be home schooled, I do. But I dont wanna let my parents down. They want to see me graduate, goto prom with a "nice boy", etc.. and if I get homeschooled, what's there going to be? Nothing. Me sitting at home on a computer learning.
    But my life would be so much easier if it were that way.
    I've considered suicide, attempted it, didnt get caught but I obviously didnt succeed ethier.
    I'm sick of being a let down.
    A failure.
    I'm sick of having my parents think they're terrible human beings.
    I'm sick of hearing my mom cry at night because of me.
    If there were no more me, what would be to cry about?
    I just feel that I'm a terrible disturbance in everyones lives, and I dont deserve anything I have.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    If there was no more you , your Mom would have so much more to cry about. I'm proud of you for posting and sharing your feelings and pain. That's not easy but you did it. It sounds like you suffer from anxiety. Have you been to a doctor or even shared your fears with a school counsellor or your parents. Us parents are great at a lot of things, but reading our teenagers is not one of them. And believe me, we want to understand. Understand what is causing our kids so much torment and pain. Maybe try and take your parents out for a walk or go to a little restuarant. Sit down and tell them exactly what you posted here. Sometimes parents can appear very angry but we are feeling the same feelings of confusion about what you are going through but don't know what that is. Tell them you want some professional help with your issues and need their support and love to get through this. Good luck.
  3. xLonleyOne

    xLonleyOne Guest

    Thank you.
    But I did tell my parents, that's the thing, my mom just thinks that I am making excuses.
    My dad, however, he understands. His father was in the army when he was younger, and they moved around alot.
    I have a therapist, but my mom is so stubborn.. she wont listen to anything. Dont get me wrong, when things arnt like this, me and my mom have the best relationship out of anyone I've ever had a relationship with. I love my mother, she is an amazing person. But the fact that she wont even try to see where I am coming from is awful. She thinks since I've done this before, that I dont care, that I dont want to live here, be a part of this family, etc.
    That's what hurts me most. I cry just as much as she does. I hate the way I am, even though it's all probably my fault.
    I hate that I cant be like normal people, and walk up to someone and have a conversation with them.
    I hate that I cant be like normal people, and have friends and hang out like I used to.. I hate that I'm so fucking shy, and nervous, and self conscious.
    I'm not such a quiet person as I portray myself to be. I'm the most crazy, fun, outgoing, unique person I've ever met, but for that to be let out I'd have to get to know people.
    And that's my fear, getting to know new people.
    I want to get over this so bad, SO bad. But I cant, no matter how hard I try...I want to have fun like I did before I moved down here, I want to have friends again... I dont want to dissapoint my family, I dont! But if that's what keeps me from breaking down, and going downright insane, then I guess that's the price I have to pay.. you know? My mom always says that I havent changed, that I wasted my time, their time, everyones time. That I broke every promise I've ever made.
    I was in that group home for almost 2 years, and yes, I have changed. I found myself, basically. Went I went in there I was a lost 14 year old trying to fit in and be like everyone else. Then I was exposed to a whole other side of life that I fell in love with and embraced an dwhere I fit in perfectly. And for her to say that I stayed in that place for 2 years just to be a rebel and be away from them?
    That hurts.
  4. Resolutionary

    Resolutionary Member

    are you still in your teens? because yes, being a teenager completely sucks. it's a time when you're finding yourself. finding your confidence, independence, individual tastes, values, morals...and kids in their teens can be cruel due to their own struggle to find themselves. trust me it gets better. (i'm 29)

    <Mod Edit: inappropriate>
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 29, 2008
  5. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 29, 2008
  6. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I noticed you asked yourself why your like this. Try not to put yourself down, if you can't help feel the way you do when you meet people, then that's totally fine. You've taken the first step by accepting and acknowledging this.

    Also now that you have joined this forum, hopefully you can begin to feel better within yourself and even overcome the feelings you get.
  7. Your a pretty smart cookie to distinguish fear from anxiousness, there is a difference...fear comes from without, anxiety comes from within...i.e...you picture people, school, new situations...as things you encounter come across, things in the outside world, your anxiety starts when you begin to build scenarios in your head of how your going to cope with them situations...its a bit of a vicious circle, because it feeds on itself. Fear breeds anxiety, and vice versa...

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