I hate everything

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by TheLoneWolf, Aug 8, 2012.

  1. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I hate everything. I hate my marriage. I hate my job. I hate my house. I hate my family. I hate my life. I really fucking hate my neighbor and I hope he dies of fucking dysentary or something.

    My life is never going to change. I'm a fucking alcoholic because nothing matters. This world has turned to shit. It's not the world I grew up in. It's not the world I once wanted to be a part of. Once upon a time, I longed desperately to have a normal life. But I see what passes for "normal" these days and I'm just disgusted by it all.

    The woman I once loved is gone. The woman I never loved refuses to let me go. The woman I wanted to love has other priorities. Fuck love. Nobody will ever love me.

    And fuck my stupid job. Those assholes take me for granted. I show up every day and give 110% while others barely give 50%, and what does that earn me? Jack shit. I'm still ignored. My boss has the nerve to tell me that I should be "more engaged". I'm already ten times more engaged than every single one of my coworkers. None of those fuckers give a shit about anything but themselves. I actually try to do the right thing, and where does that get me? No where.

    Nothing I do matters. 90% of the people here ignore me, probably because they hate me. The other 10%, I don't know. Maybe they just feel sorry for me. Maybe they're just afraid to upset me. I don't know. It doesn't matter, it's just the internet. I don't have any friends in real life anyway.

    I want to die, but I don't want to kill myself. I wish I'd just get struck by lightning or something. Since God obviously hates me so much, he should just send my pathetic ass to hell right now. But I guess he likes to toy with his prey first. Yeah, well, I'm not fighting back anymore. I give up.

    Congratulations life, you won. I surrender. I'm sick of this fucking shit. Do with me what you will.
  2. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Oh LW :arms: There are no words... You expressed how I feel too & I know its not real life but people here sincerely care about you.
  3. Sais

    Sais Well-Known Member

    Wolf, stop whining and do something to help yourself! :ambivalence:

    You say:
    - False! Maybe you're not doing what you want, or what you're supposed to be doing.
    - False! I think I can say for sure no one here hates you!

    Start being more rational about this stuff, if you don't like something in your life, why don't you change it? One by one.

    You don't have any friends in real life? What are you waiting for? Go and meet new people, I'm sure you could find a way to do that.

    Quit feeling miserable, maybe it's a choice.

    Take care. :)
  4. Sais

    Sais Well-Known Member

    In your diary you say :
    - this usually happens because that's what you're showing them without realizing it.
  5. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you feel this way too. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. I doubt that most people here care about me. Maybe a few. But most have given up on me. I don't blame them. I'm more trouble than I'm worth.
  6. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    "Rational"... there's nothing I can do about any of it. I don't really want friends, to be honest. I want love. And love is the one thing in this world that you cannot force, no matter how hard you try. In fact, the harder you try, the more elusive it becomes. Not that I was worthy of being loved in the first place. This isn't my choice. Once upon a time I was happy. I wanted to be loved. Then I learned that my own family didn't love me. Then I learned that my peers thought I was a joke. "Go out and meet people", lol. Nobody wants to know me. The majority of people who know me, wish they didn't. It's not a choice. Either God or the devil, or something, has decided that I am to suffer. I have suffered since I was 8 years old. You think this was a choice? I never had a choice.

    I am sure that my personality drives people away. I don't blame them for this. But no one should assume that it is what I wanted. I never wanted to be what I am.
  7. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Gosh you are married? That's something that you are capable of getting out of then...

    If you don't want to get out, show her some of what you say here then... if her priorities are all over the place; write some of your feelings somewhere, and have her read it. Maybe she has no idea what you are going through?
  8. Sais

    Sais Well-Known Member

    We are all equal, why do you believe this? Everyone is worthy of love..

    You can change if you want to, and this is a matter of choice - I know this from experience, it's a very hard thing to do, but it's possible, if you really want to, at least things will get a little better.

    People are not supposed to make you happy. (at least this is what I understood until now) If you just expect someone to just appear in your life to love you, fix you and make you happy then of course you feel like this, You are supposed to do all those things.

    How do you know this? Did someone actually told you (did EVERYONE you know told you this?)or did you just interpret their actions/words/attitudes to this extreme, only to fit your opinion about yourself?

    I know as well as everyone on this site we didn't have a choice when we were younger, but now you have, you can change, you can be whomever you like, rebuild yourself.

    How could/should they know it? Did you tell them?

    I wish you all the best, I hope things will improve in your life.
  9. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Do you really think I feel sorry for you? How can you say you have no friends, when I've proven more than enough that I care? So have other people here, and we aren't doing it just for show. We honestly care about you and what happens to you. I'm sorry you don't feel that now, but I hope you can find the strength and courage to make your life better.
  10. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I'm married. My wife knows exactly how I feel (or don't feel) about her. She doesn't care. She doesn't want me to leave, nor do I have the means to leave. I have no place else to go. I have a steady income, yes, but I'm over my head in debt. Not sure how I'd be able to pay that down and still survive on a single income.

    I am not worthy of love because nobody loves me. Not even my own mother. If my own mother doesn't love me, nobody will.

    I have already fixed everything about myself that I can fix on my own. I don't give a flying fuck if people say that "people aren't supposed to make you happy". I WANT TO BE LOVED AND TO BE IN LOVE. That's the only fucking thing I want anymore. I've given up on everything else. For 33 years, I've trudged through this life keeping myself busy with writing, assorted hobbies, video games... drugs, booze, whatever. I nursed my own wounds from my childhood. Me and me alone. Nobody else did that for me. Nobody else was there for me. I did it. I survived fucking hell on earth. There are few people in this world who can even fathom the shit I went through. I won't say that no one would, because I know there are others, particularly on this forum, who have been through some fucked up shit. The problem is that many of them don't live to tell about it. Some of them do recover and find happiness later in life. That is what I was hoping for. I kept myself "happy" (content) for years. Me, myself and I. I'm fucking tired of it. I want love. I'm 33 fucking years old, and I've never had sex. The last time I passionately kissed someone was when I was 17. Yeah, I'm "married", because I was afraid of ending up alone. Yet I'm still going to end up alone. I don't give a fuck about fixing myself, I don't want to be happy by myself. I am choosing to be miserable. Because I want love. It's the only thing I want, and I am not going to be happy until I have it. I won't allow myself to settle for anything less. I don't want a fucking hobby, I don't want to join a fucking social club or read a fucking book. Okay? Been there done that. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. I'm fucking tired of being with myself, of being by myself. I don't want that anymore. I don't want to "change", I want my life to change. I am perfectly fucking content with who I am... do I have flaws? Of course. Some of them I can't fix. Others I can, but I'm unwilling to for various reasons. I like to think that I have a lot of good qualities to make up for those flaws. But maybe they're not good enough. Still, I don't blame myself. I did the best I could with the hand that I was dealt.

    My opinion of myself... lol... when I was younger, I held a very high opinion of myself. Probably to the point of being obnoxious. Yes, everyone around me made a point of telling me in one form or another that they wanted nothing to do with me. I was the weird kid who sat alone at his own lunch table in the corner. Not because I wanted to, but because everyone else pushed me around, threw things at me, and told me what a dweeb/nerd/weirdo I was. Don't tell me you didn't know anybody at your school like that. Everybody knew "that kid", and nobody liked "that kid". I used to be quite talkative, but you know, after having people repeatedly telling you to shut the fuck up, nobody likes you, etc., you kind of get a chip on your shoulder and develop a bit of a complex. Eventually it got to the point that my social anxiety crippled me so much that I was unable to even talk to people. At that point, I went from being disliked because of what I said to being disliked because I didn't say anything. People in social situations would just stare at me and ask, "why don't you ever talk?" I don't talk because I'd rather not make a fool of myself.

    Telling me I need to change... I was fine before the world came along and convinced me that I wasn't. I don't need to change. The world needs to change. It owes me an apology. It owes me an apology for taking my lunch money, for sticking embarrassing signs on my back, for pushing me around and laughing and calling me four eyes and pizza face and clown. It owes me an apology for beating me up at school and then again when I got home from school. I don't owe the world jack shit. The only thing I owe the world is a middle finger and a size 12 boot up its ass.

    Well, thanks for that I guess.

    I'm sorry Christy :hug: I know you keep taking my venting sessions personally. I know you do care about me, and I care about you too. But when people meet me in person, they don't get that same impression of me. They don't think very much of me. Part of that is because I'm too afraid to open up to them because of what I've gone through in my past. If you met me in person without first knowing me here, you probably wouldn't think very much of me either. There's nothing much to think of me. I'm so afraid of being ridiculed like I was in school that I go out of my way to act very bland in person so as to not draw attention to myself. Then of course I come on here and make an ass of myself bitching about all my stupid problems and driving people away that way. I can't win. People don't like me when I bottle shit up inside, and they like me even less when I let it all out. Fucking damned if I do, damned if I don't.
  11. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I would still care about you if I knew you in person....I don't care what others say about you, what matters is what I think of you. I happen to have a high opinion of you, and that's not going to change. I just wish you realized that I'm not out to hurt you, and I'm not going to give up on you that easily.
  12. letty

    letty Banned Member

    lonewolf I dont know you like others here know you , but i think you are an awesome man, you have alot to offer your talanted, caring,
    I am sorry your marriage isnt good. I just wanted to say i know what it feels like to hate everything, and myself,i hope you start feeling
    better ,
  13. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    -hugs- You're one of the very few people on here who haven't judged me regardless of what I said or how bad I felt, one of the few people who was always honest, unbiased, and didn't just spew some positive bullshit at me because you felt like you had to. When I felt I had to choose between drugs or life...you told me that if those were my only two choices, to pick the former and try to stay alive. Other people would have just said "neither" and disregarded the fact that neither wasn't a choice for me at the time. But you're not like that and I find that really refreshing and appealing about you. I find many things appealing about you. I know you've been disappointed by life many times before. So have I. And I can honestly say that I completely understand and relate to almost all of your viewpoints on things, people, life, relationships, etc. And because of that, I can tell you for sure that I'd be friends with you in real life in a heartbeat.
  14. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I know you're not out to hurt me... and I would be friends with you in person, too. I know we've both struggled with this issue, of feeling like other people don't like us... but I like you as well. I don't know. I just know that the world is a cruel place and sometimes it just makes me angry.

    Thank you letty :hug: Eh, don't worry about the marriage... it's my own fault, I married out of loneliness and desperation instead of love. Idiot move on my part, I have only myself to blame for that. I haven't gotten the chance to know you very well either, but you seem like a nice person from what I've seen, and I wish you wouldn't hate yourself.

    Thank you :smile: :hug: Hey, there are some things in life that you just can't sugarcoat. And if inspirational messages were all it took to cheer people up, there would be no need for this forum to exist. We could all just hang a stupid motivational poster in our bedrooms and be happy every day. That's not how the world works. Some things in life are good. A lot of things in life are bad. Everybody has to suffer sometimes, and oftentimes we are stuck with a choice between the lesser of evils. NOBODY is perfect, we all make mistakes. Sometimes we have no other choice because every option is a bad one. And I would never judge you because I live in a pretty fragile glass house of my own. Even if I did have most of my shit together, I would never forget the fact that I didn't at one time. I think you're an awesome person too, and I wish life treated you better, because you deserve better. That's the fucked up thing about the world, it seems like the people who suffer the most are the people that I like the best and who don't deserve to suffer.