I hate how I always have to think of titles

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by oval, Aug 12, 2011.

  1. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    My parents met when my mother was 40 and my father 60.
    A year later my mother got pregnant and they thought, why not get married.
    I found out years later that my mother had been diagnosed with cancer a year before I was born. They removed it and she recovered. A year after I was born the cancer came back.
    My parents never told me that my mom was seriously sick. All I knew was that she had migrans alot and that she was crying alot.
    She was in hospitals alot, went to all kinds of meetings and self help groups.
    My parents took me with them to meetings that were hours long, where we had to sit and listen to someone that was supposed to cure cancer patients with "the help of god". Of course god's help wasn't free.

    Those meetings were terribly boring for a 4 year old that didnt understand anything that was said and why we had to be there. I was a very hyper, out going and loud child, that couldn't sit still for nothing. I understa d now how much of a burden it must have been for my mother especially, to have to deal with me with all she had to go through.
    In 98 (i was 7) my mother was in the hospital again for months. At some point my father decided it would be the best if they didn't take me to the hospital anymore bc I was too loud and hyper, I was annoying the other patients.
    It was October 3rd when I was supposed to see my mother again after about 3 months. Coincidentally that very morning the hospital called and said she had died that night. Which came as a surprise for me since I didn't even know she was sick and why she had died. all of the sudden my mother had disappeared and would never come back.

    And with her went my father. It let him fall into deep depression.
    Since he had been so old, I dou t he was planning on having a child. Not to mention being a single parent. I understand that.
    Anyway, the following months and years he neglected me. It had always been my mother who took care of the household and who took care of me. maybe even a bit too much.
    I had never cleaned up my room or taken a bath by myself before then.
    Now no one did the laundry or cleaned or paid me attention and what I looked like.
    I wore the clothes I had woren the last time I had seen my mother for 3 months straight. At some point the teachers noticed and talked to my father about it.
    I barely took a bath or brushed my teeth. My room got so messy that at some point I wasn't able to sleep in my bed anymore. So I slept in my dad's bed with him. I have no idea if something ever happened. I know my grandma hated that I slept in my Dad's bed and always sake me if he was touching me.
    I know that to this day I can't have my dad touch me. When he is too close to me I want to drop down dead.

    Soon the kids at school realized that I behaved and looked different. I'm not sure how they knew about it but I guess the teacher must have told them my mother had died.
    I didn't quite realize what it meant that she had died. I remember when I went to school again, I told my teacher my mom had died, with a huge grin on my face. She reacted with empathy but I remember her leaving me very quickly.
    Dou to my interessting looks and the ragged clothes I was wearing, my hair that was always a mess, the girls started picking on me, coming up to me first thing in the morning and asking who had done my hair today. Then they added "oh right that must have been you, since you don't have a mom". They did this every single morning.
    one day I had two other girls following me everywhere during recess singing "e has no mother". Who would have thought people could go so low to even make fun of that.
    I came to realize that everyone around me was a fucking retard and that I should keep away from those pathic little creatures.

    Everyone around me was having good grades and hobbies. They dis something with their parents on the weekends, came home to have lunch and have their mothers help them with their homework etc.

    I stopped doing my homework all together and I didn't care about bad grades. All I ever did was draw for hours. I kept to myself and the once so out going and happy side of me had simply disappeared.
    I started talking to myself and having imaginary friends that I played marbles with and talked to about everything. I went everywhere by myself and did everything by myself. Started living in "my own world".
    I remember one day in particular, I was at an after school care center and it was lunch time. This girl was asking me if I wanted more milk and I could hear the words but it felt so far away and dull, like she was was talking to someone else and I was observing the situation. I didn't answer and after a while she started yelling at me but I couldn't hear her anymore. It was like I wasn't there. alot of tines I felt like I didn't have control over myself or the situation seemed so far away.

    Since my father didn't pay any attention to me, I could do whatever I wanted.
    Sometimes I made pancakes for myself and ate them ontop of the chimney.
    I cut my clothes however I wanted them that day and cut my own hair.
    I cut holes into my walls with knifes and scissors.
    I was by myself so much that I developed alot of fantasy but yet I was very realistic. More so than all the other kids in school.
    I started cooking for myself, did my own laundry and cleaned the house, mostly only my own room since my father was too lazy and expected me yo clean his shit up, while he had never done that when I was young. Why should I do it for him.
    Others had their mothers do everything for them. It was the most normal thing for me to do these things myself.

    I have gained some perspective. All the times my father beat me for no reason, I was stronger than him. I had more sense than him.
    All the times the kids, or even teenagers fucked with me, I was stronger than them.
    The times I was left alone, no kids to play with, no one to talk to, made me stronger. Every time someone will judge me and look down on me, I will be stronger than them too.
    They can't tell me a god damn thing. These youngsters that try to explain the world to me, they Can't tell me anything.
    All the times I longed for affection and recognition and didn't get it, gave me some perspective.

    I may have developed quite a few issues and am scared of being close to people, feel like I'm leaving my body in stressful situations, have trouble showing affection, maybe a little personality disorder that is to be determined in therapy, but I can only be thankful for my experiences.
    I wouldn't be the same person and I love the person that I am. Occasionally I hate her but o well lol
    Today when I see people my age have a happy family that supports them I get really angry. to the point where I have murder fantasies or think about sever self harm. I'm still not over the whole jealousy thing.
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    dear loudsilence you are indeed strong..
    what a sad story.... to be neglected like that is so not right.
    my heart goes out to you
    you are a 'survivor'
    be very proud of yourself *hugs*
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    HI hun you are special hun You looked after you and did not let anyone judge you You should be so proud of getting through all that pain and suffering on your own hun How strong you were and are. Now is a good time though okay to reach out and get some help to deal with all that neglect and pain of the pass You can still show them all hun that you are a fighter and you will never let anyone put you down Get some councilling okay get rid of that anger and pain inside you with a kind therapist you can heal okay hugs
  4. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    Thanks iv2010 and total eclipse.
    Yeah the anger is a big thing i still have to over come. That and my jealousy.
    I can be so full of hate sonetimes, thinking of how others had and still have it so much better than me, didnt develope those issues and are leading successful lives, while no one puts any importance to what i do and am and am 100% invisible, that i just want to burn everything down. It is so very immature to think that, that i never really tell anyone. Alot of times i just implode by myself. I want to overcome it but at the same time i want to hang onto it. i kind of feel like i was in the right and shouldnt let go of it bc i needed some kind of justice.

    Im worried that once i have children i might do the same thing to them, to teach them the same "valueable" lesson i was tought.
    Or that i might start to feel hate and jealousy towards them bc they have it better than i did.
    Sometimes i think the only way for me to feel love for children is when they grow up badly and i can see myself in them and i want to "save" them. Otherwise all i see is the kids that always had it better than me back then, while they looked down on me with disgust and ignorance.