i hate it all....

[John6491]

I hate me
I hate my life
I hate my parents
I hate having to live thru all this pain and bullshit
I hate feeling alone and worthless
I hate not having anyone here for me
I hate waking up every morning knowing I'm going to go thru the same crap go to school get yelled at and be called a failure then go home and get yelled at some more...its a lot of fun
I hate not being able to end it all....to finally end this crap called life
I hate being so afraid
I hate being such a waste of space and time...
I hate being worthless
Most of all I hate living this lie hiding behind a false smile saying crap like I'm good I'm ok..... No one knows me and no one knows how much pain being alive is....
And sry for wasting your time

 

[gentlelady]

You are not wasting anyones time by posting here. The things you are feeling are not so different than those felt by many others. When depression takes over our minds, we hate ourselves most of all. Then we hate everything associated with ourselves. Things we would rather not do becuse we just don't feel like doing anything. I don't know what has gone on in your life to cause these intense feelings, but I can guess at some of them based on what I have read here. I am sorry you feel as if people view you as a failure. If they do, they are wrong. Thank you for taking the time to get out your feelings here. I hope we are able to offer you some support and comfort in ways you have not felt before. Take care. :hug:

 

[John6491]

Thank you for replying and having ppl talking to me here helps a little bit I just wish there was someone that I can actully sit down and talk 2 about my problems...... And I am a failure people are not wrong about that..... I fail at everything I do....

 

[Zueri]

-hugs- (those tend to help)

You're NOT a waste of space and time. You're a wonderful human being. You've just been dealt a rough hand at life. You'll get through this eventually...although right now it may not seem so.
Just imagine when you're out of school, and living on your own! You'll be away from the influence of your parents...if that's what's bugging you.
School sucks, yes, it does. BUT, it will end eventually. It's hard to imagine, I know...I'm in the same position of not being able to please my family.
All you have to do is live day by day. Don't dwell on the past and keep moving forward. Ignore the comments about you, and when people call you a failure...Because you're not!
I'm sorry if I'm not making any sense.
BOTTOM LINE: You'll get through this eventually. It WILL end in its own time.

If you ever need to talk, you know my IMVU, AIM, MSN...etc...

-another big hug-

 

[John6491]

Thanks I just don't have internet on so only way I can talk is using phone and posting here on the forums..... But at least my phone can get on this site so I can post.... And when I do get out on my own knowing my luck I will still be alone having no one there for me..... Sry if it seems like I'm ignoring what you say I'm just not in one of those think positive moods....
-John

 

[Zueri]

Ah...I see...When you're ready to talk, I'm here for you. Call me if you have to!

But PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE try to think positively! Your thoughts influence what happens to you, believe it or not.

-big hug-

 

[John6491]

I know just no sleep for 2 days takes a toll on me I can't think positive without sleep most of the time.....

 

[Zueri]

Lack of sleep will do that to you...There are whole studies on that...
Any particular reason you can't sleep?

 

[John6491]

Stress and my mind is to active right now

 

[Zueri]

Do you have any idea how ease the stress? Stop your mind from churning?
I don't know what you've tried already...but I'll give you a list of things that generally help me (and yes, some of them sound silly):
~meditation
~deep breathing
~drawing
~writing
~beating up pillows
~herbs (in the form of teas and aromatherapies...i've found chamomile, mint, and sandalwood to be the most helpful)

I wish I could do more to help...

 

[TLA]

I can relate!! To lack of sleep and to your list. BUT, I promise you are not a failure!! God don't make no junk. If you don't believe in God, then mother nature doesn't create failures either.

Many of us hide behind the mask. How do you think we can face public life. Mask or facade---everyone has them. Some use it more. Please know we care.

Are you on meds? That will help with the sleeping stuff.
There are groups, peer counselors, confidental hotlines and stuff. Use your parents insurance while you can, if you are covered. I prommise you can find someone to listen to you. You are young. If you tackle things NOW, it will be a relief to develop better coping skills. Then when you are in your 20's-30's-
40's you will be able to look back.

 

[John6491]

I've been writing for a hour its not helping and deep breathing dosnt help me much. Usually I would be able to listen to music or start doing push ups to make stress go away but that hasn't helped. I've tried meditation before but I just sit there and think even more..... I have none of the types of tea you said and I can't draw .....

 

[John6491]

I'm not on any meds I'm to afraid to tell anyone about my problem and if I did tell my dad he won't care and my mom works at the hospital and will throw every med they have at me....

 

[Zueri]

As I said before...that's a totally rational fear! And you might not need meds to make yourself feel better! You don't need piles of meds to make yourself feel better, anyway...That stuff might make you feel worse!

 

[John6491]

Yea I know meds will prob make me worse..... But I have never tried them before

 

[John6491]

And I hope no one is feeling like I don't want to even listen to what they want to say....

 

[Zueri]

No, hon, we don't feel that way. We're just want to help. And we're throwing random ideas out and seeing if they do any good...

This may sound ridiculous...but...have you tried horticulture?

 

[John6491]

No I havnt and knowing me it prob can't keep my attention there are only 2 things that can keep my full attention quotes and poems wait 3 things music is another I'm to easly distracted :sad:

 

[Zueri]

Have you tried writing poetry and song lyrics before? It really is quite therapeutic if you're in the right mood to do so!

Like quotes? If you want, I'll post a site filled with Latin quotes (and their translations, of course).

 

[John6491]

I've tried to write poetry but I get frustrated and give up and I can't write songs at all. And I'm good with quote pages I have about 5-6 websites I go to daily and read them