I hate it all..

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by whatisnormal, May 17, 2007.

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  1. whatisnormal

    whatisnormal Member

    Hi and sorry for the bad english and grammar

    Most of which i tell now i never sayed to anybody, i try to keep it short cause thinking of the last 4 years causes to much pain. Im 21 and the last 4 years of my life i have suffered from heavy dp/dr (depersonalisation/derealisation) disorder, hppd (drugs induced) psychosis, borderline disorder, obsession disorders, extreme paranoia and a big depression, most diseases where about all on the same time and some go away and come back again later or are still here. When i was a child i was top of my class, happy and a nice person. Non of it is left, the dp/dr maked me like 50 % less intelligent and the rest just turned me in somekind of deadliving monster. I cant formulate sentences easy anymore and my memory is a trainwreck. Some of the diseases however are now away, i just suffer from the heavy damage it left behind. The last 6 months however i feel better cause the dp/dr hppd is away and my vision turned slowly normal again. However i cant be to optimistic cause now i have some new psychotic/obession disorder which i try to gt rid of. (dont ask what or how )-_-

    While im typing this im in tears and atm i feel nothing but emptyness. A normal man wakes up and feels good or bad. I feel shit most of the time and there is sometimes something that looks on happyness but fades away again when i have to use my brain. When i try to concentrate i have big head pressure and as soon as the pressure starts i feel depersonalized again. Learning new things is like almost impossible and im constantly afraid that the diseases that are gone will return again cause most of them returned more then once.

    I just dont know anymore, most of the day i dont have any thaughts at all cause of the dp/dr i had. Im constantly obessively searching for signs to see if i get sick again. im depressive and the thaughts that i have are mostly the same thaughts as yesterday. I tryed all kind of medicins and threathments, but they only seem to make me more sick then i already was so from now on i try it without medicins and see where it ends, i became hypersensitive for medicins cause of the dp/dr hppd i had. Everything that has a effect on my psyche in somehow gets doubled x10 and some medicins call up the dp/dr or even the hppd again or parts of it.. Sometimes i dont even know anymore why i feel what i feel or if it is normal, my hole brain is a mess. I feel better without then with medicins. The dp/dr and hppd is gone now, but the scars from it are so deep i get reminded of it everyday. It feels like the hppd and dp/dr resized my brains with 50%.

    Most of the time i dont have any emotions at all and if i do i have to remember myself to have them. This is just the top of the iceberg, most of the things what happened the last years i cant think about cause its to painfull. I went to psychs but its no use since my memory seem to reset like everyday. They can tell me what to do etc etc but then the next day i wake up and it seems like i never went to a psych (not that i have memory loss but i just cant handle the information). I can hardly hold on to thaughts or stick to plans cause most of my energy goes to all the diseases and struggles i have and i cant focus my thaughts cause of my big concentration problem. I have no girlfriend, huge guilds and since i fail at work also cause i cant concentrate the future promises little. However since im a spiritual guy i just see this all as a pad i had to walk and as part of my karma and i managed to give it all a place somehow. But it just gets to much, it doesnt end and it is more then i can handle, when i do 1 step forward i do 2 steps back.

    I dont feel silly, or complain everyday why life is such a disaster for me. I try to deal with what i have and continue in the hope for better times someday, somewhere, somehow. But i dont know how much longer i can take it. I tryed to commit suicide 3 times, it wasnt realy that i wanted to die then but i just didnt cared anymore and started to do very stupid things which 3 times nearly killed me.

    Dunno somehow i found this forum and i just wanted to tell my story, i never told it to anyone i know cause i just cant. I just had to tell it somewhere
    , maybe my english gives u headage and u stopped reading maybe not. However im just tired of this all.. im really tired of living and im only 21 but i feel like im 80. , i dont feel like commiting suicide. Im just tired of all the shit in my life and im tired of living this way. I just dont know, if someone does, has some advice or a wondercuremedicin for all let me know.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 17, 2007
  2. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    First of all hun dont worry about your English it seems very good to me :)
    Im very sorry you feel there are no solutions for you at the moment. But there are. I have been there, neverending emptyness and loneliness with the believe therapists could not make it any better for me. All i can tell you, dont give up, I went many years through hell since i found a good doc that was able to treat my symptons with little meds and im seeing a psychologist weekly. So don't give up, try to look for a good doc that works with a psychologist so they are both going to be able to treat you together. You are in my thoughts and prayers and feel free to send me a pm(personal message) anytime, and i will get back to you as fast as i can. Dont give up hun :hug:
  3. undead66

    undead66 Guest

    you're english is fine. i would have thought you were a native speaker just typing quickly unless you had pointed it out.
  4. whatisnormal

    whatisnormal Member

    thx:smile: , but im so tired of talking with all that psychs and taking shitty medicins im so sick of it, im sick of being sick and everything that comes with it. It feels like im a prisoner of my own mind and everytime things get better some shit happens and it gets fucked up again. The only thing i want is just some peace in mind. I even stopped praying, i prayed hole my life everynight but since a month im not longer praying cause i just dont know anymore. I need to refind myself in this mess or what is left of it or whatever, i dont know. Fuck.
  5. whatisnormal

    whatisnormal Member

    ah i quess it is just part of my paranoia then, a week ago i was writing a email to someone and it took me a hour to complete a 20 lines message, . On some moments my brains stop working properly and then it looks that i forget how to write normally, i have that since my dp/dr. Then i start obsessivly rereading and correcting sentences sometimes multiple times in different contexts and see what fits most. Sometimes i really mess up posts with crazy formulated sentences but luckely most of the times i see the mistakes on time after rereading it XX times. However sometimes i just dont see it or screw something up that was originally good written cause of my paranoia so thats why i always warn for my bad english just incase :rolleyes: . It doesnt happen to much anymore and most of the time i can just type normally and fast without doubting myself but sometimes... Ah what can i say, im a very obsessive and complicated person welcome to the wonderfull world of my mind:biggrin:

    This one took me 25 minutes. :p
    Last edited by a moderator: May 18, 2007
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