Hi and sorry for the bad english and grammar Most of which i tell now i never sayed to anybody, i try to keep it short cause thinking of the last 4 years causes to much pain. Im 21 and the last 4 years of my life i have suffered from heavy dp/dr (depersonalisation/derealisation) disorder, hppd (drugs induced) psychosis, borderline disorder, obsession disorders, extreme paranoia and a big depression, most diseases where about all on the same time and some go away and come back again later or are still here. When i was a child i was top of my class, happy and a nice person. Non of it is left, the dp/dr maked me like 50 % less intelligent and the rest just turned me in somekind of deadliving monster. I cant formulate sentences easy anymore and my memory is a trainwreck. Some of the diseases however are now away, i just suffer from the heavy damage it left behind. The last 6 months however i feel better cause the dp/dr hppd is away and my vision turned slowly normal again. However i cant be to optimistic cause now i have some new psychotic/obession disorder which i try to gt rid of. (dont ask what or how )-_- While im typing this im in tears and atm i feel nothing but emptyness. A normal man wakes up and feels good or bad. I feel shit most of the time and there is sometimes something that looks on happyness but fades away again when i have to use my brain. When i try to concentrate i have big head pressure and as soon as the pressure starts i feel depersonalized again. Learning new things is like almost impossible and im constantly afraid that the diseases that are gone will return again cause most of them returned more then once. I just dont know anymore, most of the day i dont have any thaughts at all cause of the dp/dr i had. Im constantly obessively searching for signs to see if i get sick again. im depressive and the thaughts that i have are mostly the same thaughts as yesterday. I tryed all kind of medicins and threathments, but they only seem to make me more sick then i already was so from now on i try it without medicins and see where it ends, i became hypersensitive for medicins cause of the dp/dr hppd i had. Everything that has a effect on my psyche in somehow gets doubled x10 and some medicins call up the dp/dr or even the hppd again or parts of it.. Sometimes i dont even know anymore why i feel what i feel or if it is normal, my hole brain is a mess. I feel better without then with medicins. The dp/dr and hppd is gone now, but the scars from it are so deep i get reminded of it everyday. It feels like the hppd and dp/dr resized my brains with 50%. Most of the time i dont have any emotions at all and if i do i have to remember myself to have them. This is just the top of the iceberg, most of the things what happened the last years i cant think about cause its to painfull. I went to psychs but its no use since my memory seem to reset like everyday. They can tell me what to do etc etc but then the next day i wake up and it seems like i never went to a psych (not that i have memory loss but i just cant handle the information). I can hardly hold on to thaughts or stick to plans cause most of my energy goes to all the diseases and struggles i have and i cant focus my thaughts cause of my big concentration problem. I have no girlfriend, huge guilds and since i fail at work also cause i cant concentrate the future promises little. However since im a spiritual guy i just see this all as a pad i had to walk and as part of my karma and i managed to give it all a place somehow. But it just gets to much, it doesnt end and it is more then i can handle, when i do 1 step forward i do 2 steps back. I dont feel silly, or complain everyday why life is such a disaster for me. I try to deal with what i have and continue in the hope for better times someday, somewhere, somehow. But i dont know how much longer i can take it. I tryed to commit suicide 3 times, it wasnt realy that i wanted to die then but i just didnt cared anymore and started to do very stupid things which 3 times nearly killed me. Dunno somehow i found this forum and i just wanted to tell my story, i never told it to anyone i know cause i just cant. I just had to tell it somewhere , maybe my english gives u headage and u stopped reading maybe not. However im just tired of this all.. im really tired of living and im only 21 but i feel like im 80. , i dont feel like commiting suicide. Im just tired of all the shit in my life and im tired of living this way. I just dont know, if someone does, has some advice or a wondercuremedicin for all let me know.