If it comes to sex I've been through much more than I can deal with. I lost my virginity to my best friend when we were 12. We had been playing "doctor & patient" or whatever you wanna call it since way longer before that. We were ridiculously young. And yet, that first time I had sex was the best time ever. Maybe because the first time was the only time I really wanted to do it. Then on may 6th 2004, the day I'll never forget. 3 guys attacked me. Then that summer, me stupid as always, I had borrowed money from this guy I vaguely knew. The amount doesnt matter, but I had to pay him back and I couldnt. Guess what I did, cos it was the only solution I could think of. Yeah. I slept with guys for money. How many guys? Doesn't matter. Too many. They must've known I didnt do it for fun. I mean, it wasn't as if I did anything apart from laying on the bed, doing what they told me to do. Everytime again, I got a flashback from how those 3 guys in may tried to rape me. Still I let it all happen. Then my prom. It was this year, on june 3rd I think. I took my ex, who still was one of my best mates, along as my date. I didn't like the people at my prom. And my friends from school and I had grown apart eversince I got depressed cos of the happenings in 2004 and the fact that they didn't believe certain things that had happened. So I just got wasted. within an hour I was off the world. I cant remember anything of wat happened after the first hour of my prom. All I know is that the next day I woke up wearing my date's clothes. I woke up at home though, so I must've walked home, but I was wearing his clothes. I have no idea what happened, but I had the feeling that we'd had sex. As soon as I sawhim again I asked him. and he could remember that we'd kissed and had been over to his place, but he was pretty wasted himself and he didnt know anything else anymore either. Did we have sex? Did we not? I don't know. All I know is that I hope we didn't because he knows I've been sexually assaulted in 2004. and he knows I have a hard time with that. I'm never gonna use any sort of drugs anymore when I'm alone with a guy. an no alcohol either. Yesterday I went to hang out with this guy. I met him at the toystore where I worked for 3 days. He worked there too and he was a nice guy. He found out my phone number and called me the other day, asking if I wanted to hang out. well since I havent been out the house in ages I thought, why not? so I hung out with him yesterday. We had hashcookies hehe, and watched a movie. I have to add, the hashcookies hit in pretty hard. I know he wanted sex pretty badly. Seeing the things he said and what he did. Yeh we kissed. and his hand kept on sliding towards my jeans, trying to get in there. I kept on pulling his hand away though. and he told me more than once something like "we can go lay in my bed and watch a movie there.. Way more comfortable" I dont know what I said to that and I dont know what else happened that evening. I dont know.. it's all one big vague blur... I do remember sitting in the train back home and almost forgetting to get out of the train where I needed to get out hehe. I was still high when I got home and got online. and then I started drinking wine when I kinda halfly remembered what happened.. I mean. what if I did have sex with that guy!?? If I find out I hav had sex with him... I can't deal with it. I'm not some kinda sextoy people can use. Just because of all the times I've slept with guys, I only enjoyed my first time, doesn't mean guys just can abuse me whenever they want or something. it's not like I am a sextoy. I don't think I can *ever* have sex again. so *thank you*, male species. *thank you*. Once again you've showed that you can't be trusted. I can't deal with this anymore. y'all have no idea how badly I wanna go to the Island. You have no idea. Y'all think I'm strong and can deal with everything that's been going on in my life. You guys are so wrong. What happened yesteday was something to push me half over the edge. I know that only 1 more thing has to happen and I'm gone. I promise you, if 1 more thing happens, I wont be on SF, AfterDark or anything anymore. Cos I can't take any more.