Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sa Palomera, Dec 8, 2006.

  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    If it comes to sex I've been through much more than I can deal with. I lost my virginity to my best friend when we were 12. We had been playing "doctor & patient" or whatever you wanna call it since way longer before that. We were ridiculously young. And yet, that first time I had sex was the best time ever. Maybe because the first time was the only time I really wanted to do it.

    Then on may 6th 2004, the day I'll never forget. 3 guys attacked me. Then that summer, me stupid as always, I had borrowed money from this guy I vaguely knew. The amount doesnt matter, but I had to pay him back and I couldnt. Guess what I did, cos it was the only solution I could think of. Yeah. I slept with guys for money. How many guys? Doesn't matter. Too many. They must've known I didnt do it for fun. I mean, it wasn't as if I did anything apart from laying on the bed, doing what they told me to do. Everytime again, I got a flashback from how those 3 guys in may tried to rape me. Still I let it all happen.

    Then my prom. It was this year, on june 3rd I think. I took my ex, who still was one of my best mates, along as my date. I didn't like the people at my prom. And my friends from school and I had grown apart eversince I got depressed cos of the happenings in 2004 and the fact that they didn't believe certain things that had happened. So I just got wasted. within an hour I was off the world. I cant remember anything of wat happened after the first hour of my prom. All I know is that the next day I woke up wearing my date's clothes. I woke up at home though, so I must've walked home, but I was wearing his clothes. I have no idea what happened, but I had the feeling that we'd had sex. As soon as I sawhim again I asked him. and he could remember that we'd kissed and had been over to his place, but he was pretty wasted himself and he didnt know anything else anymore either. Did we have sex? Did we not? I don't know. All I know is that I hope we didn't because he knows I've been sexually assaulted in 2004. and he knows I have a hard time with that.

    I'm never gonna use any sort of drugs anymore when I'm alone with a guy. an no alcohol either.

    Yesterday I went to hang out with this guy. I met him at the toystore where I worked for 3 days. He worked there too and he was a nice guy. He found out my phone number and called me the other day, asking if I wanted to hang out. well since I havent been out the house in ages I thought, why not? so I hung out with him yesterday. We had hashcookies hehe, and watched a movie. I have to add, the hashcookies hit in pretty hard. I know he wanted sex pretty badly. Seeing the things he said and what he did. Yeh we kissed. and his hand kept on sliding towards my jeans, trying to get in there. I kept on pulling his hand away though. and he told me more than once something like "we can go lay in my bed and watch a movie there.. Way more comfortable" I dont know what I said to that and I dont know what else happened that evening. I dont know.. it's all one big vague blur... I do remember sitting in the train back home and almost forgetting to get out of the train where I needed to get out hehe. I was still high when I got home and got online. and then I started drinking wine when I kinda halfly remembered what happened..

    I mean. what if I did have sex with that guy!?? If I find out I hav had sex with him... I can't deal with it. I'm not some kinda sextoy people can use. Just because of all the times I've slept with guys, I only enjoyed my first time, doesn't mean guys just can abuse me whenever they want or something. it's not like I am a sextoy.

    I don't think I can *ever* have sex again. so *thank you*, male species. *thank you*. Once again you've showed that you can't be trusted.

    I can't deal with this anymore.
    y'all have no idea how badly I wanna go to the Island. You have no idea. Y'all think I'm strong and can deal with everything that's been going on in my life. You guys are so wrong. What happened yesteday was something to push me half over the edge. I know that only 1 more thing has to happen and I'm gone. I promise you, if 1 more thing happens, I wont be on SF, AfterDark or anything anymore. Cos I can't take any more.
  2. mdfk79

    mdfk79 Member

    sorry bout all that m'lady :sad: hey........... im a guy! <mod edit: Mal - too triggering> ahh go on, u know u wanna! im sure you'll hear this alot and you'll never believe it, in the big scheme of things, those guys were a few out of billions :blink: just be careful and more responsible in the future eh?

    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 8, 2006
  3. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry M. I dont wanna help you. Then you'd be the 3rd person I killed in my life.

    I'm sorry. I know theres decent guys out there. like you and MJ. It's just... hard. and I'm on the verge of breaking down...
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 8, 2006
  4. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Est hunny,

    I am sorry that you have endured all of this sadness in your life. I sometimes wonder why there is so much sadness in life, and a better question is: Why do the people who have done nothing get so much badness in their life. We automatically think without even knowing it...thinking well bad things have happend, it is my fault. But in all actuality, we are the victims, not the brute...

    I am very grateful to now you and be your friend, and I know we are both lost at the moment...but we will find our way back someday....everything will be ok hun..

    We both seem to have been sexualy abused and mistreated it seems...my abuse started as a young child.... and I know there's mean people out there, but not all people are bad, we just have to be careful, watch people and some times there are things that should tell us...hey this person is lying or is not trust worthy and we need to watch for signs on that part...but there are good people...

    Try and hang in there sweetie....we are here for you.... :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

    All my love,
  5. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    i cant take it no more. It's too much
    I cant fucking take it no more. I CAN'T!!!
  6. blub

    blub Guest

    Goddamn, I'm going to terrorise those guys :mad:
    I will be a mad woman, hitting heads, breaking bones :furious:
    If there is something wrong you know you can call me
    Be carefull with the hashcookies and the alcohol in the future :hug:


    Btw heb je een abonement of een kaart voor je mobiel?
    En zo ja van wie? :unsure:
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2006
  7. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    ik heb vodafone prepaid en zit de helft van de tijd zonder btg omdat ik altijd binnen een week door mn btg heen ben :(
  8. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni


    I love you soo much and i know how much shit has gone on in your life and you've made it soo bloody far and you can't throw it away like this. Remember that promise you made me, the one you couldn't promise me on the phone, please you gotta keep that for me, you know it would kill me to lose you, you mean so damn much to me.

    Your allways saying that i NEED to talk to you and you need to do the same, i know theres been this 'akwardness' between me and you recently bu ti want that to change, because sometimes i think im the only person who can kinda get thru to you sometimes, even you yourself have said i can calm you down. So please don't shut me ou tlike you have been doing, for some reason i feel like you've gone all weird on me and i dunno the reason for that, maybe thats my own fault and for the way i've been acting recently but im getting help and im doing it because YOU asked me to.

    I've even stopped SH harming for you, 5 days now, for YOU because i care so much and i know how much it hurts when you know im self harming because you allways say you wanna be 'connected' with me after i've done it. Im doing all this for you, does that not show how much i love you? how much i care? how much you mean to me?

    You seriously have no idea how much you do mean to me, when we stayed on skype for our 'record', me sitting there listening to you sleep, just laying there and chatting to you, those we're the best days i've had in a long time! you make me so damn happy! and i really hope i make you happy in some small way because that would make my life worthwhile.

    I NEED you to keep that promise, all i want is for you to be safe, and i don't want you going to the Island you know how much it would hurt me and everyone around you. You was starting to getting some professional, calling the social work. Why do you think i've been trying to get to the doctors? because i want you to get help. I'm doing this for you, and i want you to the same for YOU, you know you don't wanna feel like this but you can't take the easy way ouy, your a strong girl even if you think your not, every single person here can see how strong you've been with what you've been thru, don't give that up know. As you allways say to me "your stronger than you think, you can do this" well im telling you that, and if ya had ya phone i would be repeating it down the phone over and over again until you started to believe it and believe in yourself.

    You've helped so many people in your life including me, you don't reaslise how much you have helped me, if it wasn't for you i doubt i would be here, you've kept me so strong by just being you. I know you've said if i did anything you would be responsible for what happens, but listen to what im saying, you SAVED my life, YOU DID. I'm so thankful to have met you and you know i am, your so caring, thoughtful, lovely, funny, compassionate, loving my list could go on and on for pages, your nothing like you make yourself out to be.

    Non of the stuff about being paid for sex matters, we've talked it before, and it doesn't matter to me in the slighest and im sure it doesn't matter to anyone else. We love and care about you, not what you've done in the past. You know how much i love and care for you, everything i've said about the way i feel about you is fraction of how much i care for you! i can't put into words how much i do.

    You need to look forward to things hun, remember comming to London next summer, gonna meet me (dunno wether thats a good or bad thing hehe) and when we meet your gonna get one big massive hug!! honestly you are! your gonna get a hug attack as you put it hehe, gonna show you some of london hehe you could even get me drunk lol i have a tendency to fall onto plants lol (ask natalie she saw it :shy:) but look forward to it darling, i am, just wanna meet ya and give ya the biggest damn hug in the world!! (and thats the god honest truth!)

    I've putting something together for ya for Monday and its gonna show much i love and care for you, it will only show a fraction of what i feel for you because i can't put it all into words, that will only show a fraction of how much i love you.

    Hun you need to talk to me, tell me how your feeling. I'm here for ya and allways will be and i would give my life for you. So please don't shut me or anyone else out, we're all here for you and you need to look after yourself and not worry about me or anyone else, we can cope, you support others now let us support you. We all love you.

    **Plays Nightminds**

    That song is from me to you right now, listen to it and imagine me saying (me can't sing hehe) to you, and let me help you, im in a good place after to today, im feeling good about life and you don't need to worry about me anymore, but i want me and you to go back to the way things were, when we was able to talk about ANYTHING (i'll even let ya ask me some personal question on skype lol and you know how much i HATE them hehe) I just want things back the way they was and me n you not having this 'tension' there, i promised you that was gonna change and it is, from today, and i swear that on my family's life. Talk to me hun.

    Ima try talk to you later on tonight, think me and you need to have a proper chat.

    I love you,


    **hug attack**​
  9. ALB_JRS

    ALB_JRS Guest

    Mal edited you.... "too triggering" ? :dry: :dry: :dry:

    "so *thank you*, male species. *thank you*." :dry:

    *hug ester
  10. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    very sorry
  11. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    ALB - if mdfk79 has a problem with the editing of his post he knows where the pm button is

    Hope you're doing ok Ester :hug:
  12. ALB_JRS

    ALB_JRS Guest

    I have a problem, where's the pm button?
  13. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Ester it shatters me to hear how much youve been through. The behaviour of some guys is just fucking outrageous!!! I mean how fucking pathetic is it that as men we are willing to debase ourselves, and abuse other people just to get our jollies off

    I hate to see you suffering so much pain. Your a wonderful person, a magnificent spirit and so full of life. You deserve the very best of humanity, not the very worse. So many of my friends now...so much pain...and so much of it caused by US!. Its really starting to wear me down...

    All i can say is that you have to realise not all guys are like that, were really not. Ill completely understand though if you can never be intimate with a male again...its hardly surprising, and I think that applies to a good deal of woman on this site.

    Id also like to ask you to lay off the hash cookies and alcohol a little, please, just cut down a little bit if you can.

    Your loving friend
    Matt :hug: :hug: :cheekkiss