I hate life!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lestat, Aug 9, 2006.

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  1. lestat

    lestat Guest

    Sometimes I feel like there’s nothing left to lose,
    I spend my days and nights struggling against the blues.
    The pain can make me feel like I’m dying inside,
    I wish that there was a way to make the suffering subside.
    Some may ask “why would you choose to let go?”
    Because the light has gone dark and sadness is all I know.
    I’m not being a coward, I’m just being real,
    It’s hard to ignore the anguish that I feel.
    One person can only take so much,
    When it comes to happiness, I feel I’ve lost touch.
    If I let go I can finally be at peace,
    And never worry again in the land of eternal sleep.
  2. beautifull, it must have a taken a lot of time and effort to write that.

    You really have a tallent please don't let it go to waste.
  3. lestat

    lestat Guest

    I appreciate that. Let me share another with you. Even if I go maybe someone can at least remember having read a poem from a pretty nice guy.

    Time is slipping by like sand through my fingers,
    How much more pain and suffering in my heart will linger?
    I’m so tired of being hungry and even more tired of being poor,
    I don’t know how much more of this I can endure.
    My hearts full of sadness and my eyes brim with tears,
    No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to let go of my fears.
    I can’t seem to ever do anything right,
    I long for my life to go from darkness to light.
    It doesn’t matter how many things around me change,
    Happiness and satisfaction to me are things that are strange.
    I’m tired of just making it and barely surviving,
    No longer on hope and faith can I continue relying.
    The rope is so close to slipping out of my hand,
    What was once whole is only now half the man.
    I’m tired of dreaming of a life that’ll never be,
    A life filled with wonder and joy and finally being happy.
  4. Thank you.

    You capture the moment well and express the feelings well, wish I had that tallent to express myself as well.

    You should keep writing I think alot of people share the same mindset and will appreciate your words.

    Take care
  5. lestat

    lestat Guest

    Thank you once again for the kind words. Not something I'm accustomed to.
  6. Luliby

    Luliby Staff Alumni

    Really excellent and well spoken. I can feel your heart. Also, thought the name was cool, I'm a bit of an Anne Rice fan myself.

    I noticed a lot of "I can't" sentiments in your writing. It's very easy when depressed to see things as white or black, good or bad, can or cannot. And often things we believe we can't do we really can do,... in fact, we are and have been doing them now.

    Writing is an excellewnt way to cope with the emotional turbulence you are experiencing. Have you journaled your thoughts? That is, free writing with no cencorship or rules of communication as in a poem. You start typing or writing and even if you spell it wrong or want to say it differently you just keep typing and pretend there is no delete or backspace key. Free writing and association can be very helpful and insightful in highly emotionally charged situations. In the same way a poem focuses your thoughts to paper free associative writing does as well but without constraint. And, as any journal entry its for your eyes only, can be deleted or burned when your done. Allow yourself the freedom to write it out.

    This is not a substitute for poems but a kind of self help therapy. Which poems are too but they are meant to be viewed by others so maybe there are some things you could write out knowing you were going to delete it when done than you would put in a poem. And, I look forward to more poems. you have a gift for writing. Sometimes, I feel as if my heart is also expressed and my thoghts given wings through the poetry of others.

    Do you want to share somethig of what is troubling you? You ae obviously in the suicide forum because you are feeling suicidal and that there is no hope or way to change things but often it's because we can't see it. Sometimes, others may have suggestions that can help you or been through a similar situation. What's brought you to this point?
  7. lestat

    lestat Guest

    I appreciate you taking an interest in my life. I'm so haunted by my past and the traumatic events that have transpired over the years that I am just fed up with living. Everybody assumes that you can just flip a switch and get over things. It doesn't work that way as everyone in here knows! I'm just so tired of it all!
  8. A Friend 36

    A Friend 36 Guest

    I really love your poems. Totally understood where you are coming from having gone through the sames thoughts and feelings myself last year.

    I remember that the only thing that made me feel at peace and put a smile on my face was the thought of hitching a ride to the other side. And I agree, a lot of people do assume you can just snap out of it. If only!! But you know what hun, that was a year ago and now I am happy. If someone told me one year ago I would feel "normal" again I would have thought they were lying and total lunatics but i do feel happy.

    I have my low days every now and then, but in my darkest days, I ended up writing down how I felt on a daily basis and now when I read them I can see how far I have come.

    Talking does help, so keep talking and we will keep listening and will be here for you.
  9. Luliby

    Luliby Staff Alumni

    A very good point "A Friend 36",

    I know these emotions have been raging inside of you for some time now, but the assumption that it will always be like this is not true. Your right, there is no switch you can just flip but there are weapons you can use to fight this depression, the memories from your past, and emotional pain. By understanding the nature of the beast, depression, we learn how to be free from it.

    We know that emotions fluctuate. We know that emotions feed emotions. We know that just a couple of life changes can bring you from depressed to happy.

    For example: 1). The idea life will always be like this. If you continue to do the same things you will get the same results. Maybe you need to report abusive parents, maybe find new friends, maybe find new activities. Changing the routine will change the results.

    Emotions fluctuate. Emotions are like the flame on a gas stove. They are on, off, high or low. Several burners can be on at the same time. Emotions are responses to thoughts and actions and this can become a cycle as thoughts and actions are the result of emotions. This is called the Behavior Chain. However, by changing the thought or action you can thereby change the emotion. example, you are at a party. you see a beautiful girl and you go up to her to talk. The entire time you are trying to have a conversation with her she is distracted, looking around for someone, and only giving you half of her attention. What are your thoughts? Do you think, "I am such a looser, what was I thinnking this girl would be attracted to me. She can't wait to get away from me and she is looking for an escape!" If those are your thoughts then how do you imagine you would feel? You may feel low self esteen, shame, self conscious, hopeless. You may even leave the party feeling like a complete looser. HOWEVER: If you thought, "wow, this girl is really being rude she's not even listening to half of what I'm saying! And she keeps looking around for someone. Maybe she's received bad news and she's waiting for someone she knows." Now, if you had these thoughts how would you feel? You may irratated, concerned, compassionate. And how will it effect your behavior? You may ask the girl, "whats up?" or you might excuse yourself and find someone else who has the decency to listen to you when your talking to them.

    Emotioons feed emotions: The more you think about how miserable you are, how life sucks, how nothing can go right for you the more miserable you feel. Also, everytime something bad happens you can say to yourself, "see! everything bad happens to me!". It's called a self fullfilling prophesy. If you are only looking for bad things, and then when one comes along, it becomes a justification for why things are miserable and will always be miserable. By feeling an emotion opposite to depression, anger, anxiety for example, you can reduce those feelings. Watch a humorous movie. Play a video game, sleep, go for a ride, etc.. sometimes referred to as distractions. When used in moderation they can effectively divert your thoughts from suicidal to numb or help you forget them alltogether.

    Just a couple of life changes: It is true that one good friend, meeting someone of the opposite sex and falling in love, a career change, inheriting a million dollars .. (sorry couldn't resist.. wouldn't it be great!) Anyway, even one of these changes can completely alter your mental state. And, you just never know what your future holds, tomorrow may be the day you meet your future wife and best friend.

    So, there really is a lot of hope yet. A LOT of hope. And you really do have some control. These weapons against depression cannot guarantee life will not throw a few defeating turns in our direction but they can change our ability to cope with them.

    I know this is long but one last thing that has helped me to be free of the past and the abuse and neglect I suffered. I think of the past as a projection on the movie screen. We can be emotionally moved by what we see but IT CANNOT harm us, or reach out of the screen, or step down from the screen. It is a movie playback. And, I don't have to watch it and if it jumps into my mind and rattles me I remind myself it's just a movie. Just an echo from the past which I have survived. Because you HAVE survived it. It's in the past. It cannot be changed. But you are now, in the present. And, because it's very difficult to think about two things at once if you can memorize an inspirational peom or think about and hear a favoorite song in your head. That can shift your thoughts from that projector screen to a different one. (probably the reason there are so many workaholics)

    Be well,
  10. ShadyMalingerer

    ShadyMalingerer Active Member

    It just takes one moment. One little moment to change everything. You never know when that might happen. Luliby is right. Changing routine can alter so many things, opening up all sorts of new experiences.
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