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i hate life..

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Fed up right now, my mum died this morning... Its a 'relief' because she was in constant pain and has been suffering cancer for 4 years but I'm only 16 and she was my best friend and I literally have been there since the very beginning of her illness because I was the only one home when she got the phone call telling her she had cancer..

So yeah, ill try and keep this as short as I can.

A year ago me and mum went to the doctors about my "moods" I knew I had depression, but I didn't tell her or the doctor how bad I was so he told me I was fine.
I refused to go to school for 6+ months and when I returned would not go to normal lessons to begin with and had to drop most of them.
Started going SSC (student support centre) which is basically extra help for people who have behaviour, emotional or home problems but I went there full time.

So blah blah life went on n got shitter as mum got more ill.
Only my sister a few friends and my cousin (who is my best friend) know I have diagnosed depression and that I take medication for it.. My dad has no idea.

I hate eating, absolutely hate it, I avoid it as much as I can, usually eat one meal a day which is dinner when dad basically makes me, but even then I have as small a portion possible and pretend I've had a big lunch so that I can leave some.

I "self harm" but its like pathetic (I use that word way too much) I started off using scissors and just slashing repeatedly at my arm or upper thighs, but I now usually use a broken up ladies razor thing, its never very deep or long cuts, so yeah its only mild I guess.

Got more shit but I cba to type much more... I hate that now mums gone everyone thinks ill be fine, its so much more than that and I generally believe even if mum hadn't ever got ill in a few years time I'd still be developing depression.. I have such anxiety and I worry about everything. Urgh, I wish I was the one that died. Cba to type anymore.
Im really sorry to hear about your loss.
It may seem like the pain will never go away but it will. Slowly it will start to hurt less even though you will still miss her every day.
Are you a religious person? I always think death is a bit easier if you are.

About your cutting, there is no mild or bad cutting. If you cut, you cut. We all cut for the same reason. Some people cut deeper and with different tools because thats what works for them. Making it seem like what you are doing is a 'mild' version almost makes it like your not doing it well enough. Thats not me being judgemental, I just know that that is how I used to feel.

I really hope everything gets a bit better for you. If you need anyone to talk to, please message me. Sometimes it helps having someone to listen to your problems from outside the situation.

Try and keep smiling.
Your self harm isn't pathetic k3bberz, and it very much sounded like your mom didn't think you were either. I know its hard losing someone you love, especially when you are that close to your mom. I hope things in your life start to look up in some way. If they don't there are always people here willing to hear and help you through your problems if you're willing to share them.
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