I hate living.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SweetTearsOfDeath, Feb 1, 2011.

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  1. SweetTearsOfDeath

    SweetTearsOfDeath Well-Known Member

    I get in this mood...
    Where all I do is wander around like a helpless zombie. I sleep all day, watch old movies, and put up all of my writings on my wall. I get in a state that I'm so low I don't think about suicide or anything. It's after I fall asleep and wake up in which I think about these things. My friends are starting to ask me if things are going on or if I am okay when I sit there during our lunch break with my hands on my knees and star at a blade of grass for hours. I don't know why I do this, but I do.
    I had an awful panic attack. I was breathing like crazy, in and out super fast and heavily but I felt I was getting no air. My hands and my face felt like static on the TV, not the sound, but how it looks while they went numb. All of my other muscels tensed and I started sobbing. I got a bloody nose during this (I was laying on the couch during the time) that went on for about twenty or thirty minutes, I couldn't fight my way to sit up so I started to choke on my own blood. My mother got mad at me for having the blood and tears stain her leather pillows and for me sobbing loud... Look her a while to realize what was going on. She yelled at my step dad to lift me up so I was sitting. She went and grabbed some medication stuff that starts with a C to calm me down. The lowest dosage is one pill, but she gave me half. I calmed down, still crying, and once the effects started kicking in... I was loaded. This morning I woke up for school but fell out of bed. I crawled to the restroom to take a shower and fell getting in the shower. I blacked out in the shower for an hour until my mother found me and got me back in bed.
    My days and thoughts are starting to blurr together. I don't really know what is going on half the time. I'm suposed to be sleeping right now... But laying there staring at the ceiling while my kitty meows on my stomach does not seem too great right now.
    It's days like this that I wonder why I am even here. Why I push through every day just to stabbed in the back by everything. Self harm is the only way I stop from actually doing anything. Though, when people see my hands or arms they ask what happened and all I can do is nodd and hide myself. I see my psychiatrist next week and my therapist/counsilar this week... I feel as if it's not helping one bit. I need to find a way out of this. I can not take this any longer. Why is this happening to me? Why do I have to be the kid that is so F'ed up? It's not fair... Though, like my mother always says,"Life isn't fair sweety..."
    I hate living.
  2. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member


    Sounds as though you are having a shit time of it at the moment. Is there anything triggering it? Have you seen anyone about how you are feeling etc?

  3. SweetTearsOfDeath

    SweetTearsOfDeath Well-Known Member

    Yes, I talk to many people about how I feel. No one can say anything to help. Nothing triggers these attacks either...
  4. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    sometimes life itself is the trigger.
  5. Montana

    Montana Member

    Im sorry for your mood. How long is it been? Were there any changes in your live before it started?
  6. SweetTearsOfDeath

    SweetTearsOfDeath Well-Known Member

    Nothing has been going on recently and everything has been going normal. I go to the same school and see the same friends. Same drama, same work, same everything. Though, everything is blurring together and I am hungry... ALL of the time. When I am not hungry, I feel like I am about to throw up. I can not take this any longer. I was almost kicked out of band today because my director thought I was another kid and not me. What the hell? How is that my fault? I started crying and asked my mother to come pick me up. I can not take this any longer.
  7. Montana

    Montana Member

    Do you have professional help? It's obviously affecting your life in a very harmfull way. You didn't say anything about doctors.
    Ask your mom for a visit to the doctor. Or the professionals in your school.
  8. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    :hug: Tuba.. I wish I could be more help to you. :( You know you can always talk to me.. :wub: you!
  9. SweetTearsOfDeath

    SweetTearsOfDeath Well-Known Member

    I do see many people. I see a psychiatrist, this councilar/therapist lady at my school, and I talk to one of my teachers who went through stuff with her children. I try to talk to them as often as possible. My psychiatrist says I might have to go to a mental hospital/insitute place if I get any worse with the suicidal thoughts and self harm... Not cool.

    Swift, thank you hun. I really appretiate it. ♥ You too.
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