I get in this mood... Where all I do is wander around like a helpless zombie. I sleep all day, watch old movies, and put up all of my writings on my wall. I get in a state that I'm so low I don't think about suicide or anything. It's after I fall asleep and wake up in which I think about these things. My friends are starting to ask me if things are going on or if I am okay when I sit there during our lunch break with my hands on my knees and star at a blade of grass for hours. I don't know why I do this, but I do. I had an awful panic attack. I was breathing like crazy, in and out super fast and heavily but I felt I was getting no air. My hands and my face felt like static on the TV, not the sound, but how it looks while they went numb. All of my other muscels tensed and I started sobbing. I got a bloody nose during this (I was laying on the couch during the time) that went on for about twenty or thirty minutes, I couldn't fight my way to sit up so I started to choke on my own blood. My mother got mad at me for having the blood and tears stain her leather pillows and for me sobbing loud... Look her a while to realize what was going on. She yelled at my step dad to lift me up so I was sitting. She went and grabbed some medication stuff that starts with a C to calm me down. The lowest dosage is one pill, but she gave me half. I calmed down, still crying, and once the effects started kicking in... I was loaded. This morning I woke up for school but fell out of bed. I crawled to the restroom to take a shower and fell getting in the shower. I blacked out in the shower for an hour until my mother found me and got me back in bed. My days and thoughts are starting to blurr together. I don't really know what is going on half the time. I'm suposed to be sleeping right now... But laying there staring at the ceiling while my kitty meows on my stomach does not seem too great right now. It's days like this that I wonder why I am even here. Why I push through every day just to stabbed in the back by everything. Self harm is the only way I stop from actually doing anything. Though, when people see my hands or arms they ask what happened and all I can do is nodd and hide myself. I see my psychiatrist next week and my therapist/counsilar this week... I feel as if it's not helping one bit. I need to find a way out of this. I can not take this any longer. Why is this happening to me? Why do I have to be the kid that is so F'ed up? It's not fair... Though, like my mother always says,"Life isn't fair sweety..." I hate living. Help?