I hate me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alonenlonely, Dec 15, 2013.

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  1. Alonenlonely

    Alonenlonely Active Member

    There is so much going on right now until I do not know where to begin. I have noone to talk to or get advice from so I went searching online for help. I feel as if I just lay down and go to sleep forever, I won't have to feel the pain and hurt that I constantly feel. I wake up sad, I go through my day, sad and I go to bed sad. I just want it to end. I am not happy here and I don't know what else to do. I have tried everything to help myself and I don't think there is any way I can do that anymore. I recently told my now ex boyfriend how I feel over Thanksgiving and after a long speech about why I shouldn't and how selfish I am for wanting to die, he threatened to call my job and my mother to "save" me... I broke up with him about a week ago, by telling his WIFE about our affair...that's another long story that has added to my depression and endless list of problems. He was the only person I talked to on a regular basis and now I have noone and though I am glad he's gone, I know it's not for good because when he comes back, I know I will talk to him, though I wish I wouldn't. I am such a sad soul and in desperate need of something...I just don't know what that something is....All I do know is....I can't go on like this....
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are right hun you cannot keep going on the way you are. You are not only harming yourself but others in process You said you have done everything to help yourself there are so many therapies have you tried them all hun meds different ones to help depression if one does not work try another get your doctor to listen and to help you. You have to break free of that self destructive cycle your in ok Don't hate you ok change you do something that will bring you joy and care leave the ex bf ok he is married let him work on that marriage and you find someone that is for you and for you alone hugs
     
  3. Alonenlonely

    Alonenlonely Active Member

    total eclipse, you are right. I think I got in the relationship because I don't care much for myself to say the least so, I let him use me. He got to use me, I got the attention I wanted and I just got tired of it one day and told his wife. Now I've opened a can of worms and don't know what is going to result from my actions. I don't have any intention in corresponding with him any more but, I have a feeling he will be back. I have been trying to leave him for some time now and nothing worked. I think that if I wasn't depressed he would have never had a chance with me. My depression is causing me to feel like I am worthless and like I do not matter to anyone in this world. I felt like I had nothing to lose, though the wife knows me, and where I work and live. I'm still not sure if he has revealed to her exactly who I am, though he has told me he has and that she has seen everything that has to do with us.
     
  4. Alonenlonely

    Alonenlonely Active Member

    I imagine that after reading my post, there are some who probably feel I deserve to die for engaging in the type of behavior that I have. I cant say I disagree either. I am very sorry for everything I did with him and even sorrier for telling his wife. I thought being with him would make me happy but, I should have thought more about it. He probably sensed what I needed and became just that to get me in the relationship in the first place. He became the solution he thought I needed for his gain.
     
  5. LostInPain

    LostInPain Well-Known Member

    Nonsense! You don't deserve to die for your affair! The heart is a complicated thing. I think the one who has the real problem is the one who broke his marriage vows and took advantage of a vulnerable human being. He's scum, dear. Drop his sorry ass like a sack of hot potatoes and don't ever look back or feel guilty. And I'm a man, by the way. You deserve better than that. You must remember who you are. You are a person who deserves good things and a good man in your life. You're just having self-esteem issues, you do not deserve to die. You deserve a good man who will honor you, respect you and adore you. And don't you forget it!! You will get him too. Just don't jump into any relationships right now. Recover from this first. Work on remembering to love yourself. You are worth it dear, I can tell from your writings. You are definitely a catch. You'll see!
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun his wife deserve to know what a cheating ass of a husband she has and if they break up it is not your fault it is his I am glad that you can now see him for what he is Your heart can love another someone that will only love you ok You deserve that kind of love hugs toyou
     
  7. Alonenlonely

    Alonenlonely Active Member

    Thanks lostinpain and totaleclipse, I think I would want to be told if it was me. I am a person who would rather honesty over lies. I am thinking all sorts of conclusions of me telling her and I don't think they will result in anything good for him. If he was telling the truth about her, she is going to do everything in her power to make him suffer. That's another reason why I feel bad. After I spoke to her, he texted me...I hope you're happy, now everyone knows. I'm not quite sure what that meant but, I am sure whoever everyone is, they all hate me.....he pbly does too..
     
  8. Alonenlonely

    Alonenlonely Active Member

    I'm sure there are a lot of ppl who'd be pretty happy if I died....
     
  9. LostInPain

    LostInPain Well-Known Member

    Sorry, alone. I'm having modem problems tonight and might get cut off. I just want to say that you are not responsible for all that mess. You made a mistake, but you actually did his wife and kids a big favor. That kind of infidelity always comes out in the end. The longer it goes on, the more devastating it is for the family. You are not the bad guy in this. You feel guilty, you made a bad mistake. You'll never do it again. But if this cheating husband hadn't taken advantage of you, this wouldn't have happened, whether you had a crush on him or not. I've had sweet, well-intentioned girls get smitten with me. I told them I was flattered but that they deserved much much better than a cheating husband. No orgasm is worth breaking a vow to one's spouse, believe me. You're being too hard on yourself. I know you feel guilty, but you got out of it, did the right thing and learned from it. You should be proud of your actions after you realized it was a mistake, sweetie.
     
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