I feel a monster for feeling the way i do, but it's just the truth. I hate my brother. It's becoming harder and harder living with him everyday and I keep having flashes about hurting myself or kill myself because the hate is so huge it's consuming me and i dont see any way out. i'd rather hurt and kill myself than admitting it with him or have a fight or just say how i feel. I dont want to hurt him, it is not his faul - or maybe, i just dont want the monster in me to be let out and be seen. I am so ashamed for feeling the way i feel and thinking the things i think. I really hate myself for this. I avoid him as much as possible but sometimes it's just not possible. These days it is not possible, and i have tried alcohol and self harm to cope but right now i thought maybe letting it out somewhere could have helped too. This, or more self harm, more alcohol and more suicidal thoughts. so i thought it was worth a try. I dont know what to do anymore. I have tried letting myself speak out of anger, being careful not to exaggerate and say things i would regret and it was a bit relieving but he answered angered too and i didnt want it to continue that way and let it become worse. So then I have tried being kind and caring when i was feeling full of anger just hoping it would have helped him feeling better and would have helped our interactions, and it has worked for a while but it is only about superficial behavior and doesnt last much. Bottom line is he is he and i feel what i feel. and i am sorry, but i dont know how not to feel what i feel. sorry I am so evil and horrible, i dont feel like i even have a right to post but i dont know what else to do to calm down that could last even a bit longer than the other ways i usually use to cope. living like this really makes me feel hopeless and helpless. trapped without a way out. Thank you for listening.