I Hate My Brother

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by dying_inside, Jul 30, 2014.

  1. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    I feel a monster for feeling the way i do, but it's just the truth. I hate my brother. It's becoming harder and harder living with him everyday and I keep having flashes about hurting myself or kill myself because the hate is so huge it's consuming me and i dont see any way out. i'd rather hurt and kill myself than admitting it with him or have a fight or just say how i feel. I dont want to hurt him, it is not his faul - or maybe, i just dont want the monster in me to be let out and be seen. I am so ashamed for feeling the way i feel and thinking the things i think. I really hate myself for this.

    I avoid him as much as possible but sometimes it's just not possible. These days it is not possible, and i have tried alcohol and self harm to cope but right now i thought maybe letting it out somewhere could have helped too. This, or more self harm, more alcohol and more suicidal thoughts. so i thought it was worth a try.

    I dont know what to do anymore. I have tried letting myself speak out of anger, being careful not to exaggerate and say things i would regret and it was a bit relieving but he answered angered too and i didnt want it to continue that way and let it become worse. So then I have tried being kind and caring when i was feeling full of anger just hoping it would have helped him feeling better and would have helped our interactions, and it has worked for a while but it is only about superficial behavior and doesnt last much.

    Bottom line is he is he and i feel what i feel. and i am sorry, but i dont know how not to feel what i feel. sorry I am so evil and horrible, i dont feel like i even have a right to post but i dont know what else to do to calm down that could last even a bit longer than the other ways i usually use to cope. living like this really makes me feel hopeless and helpless. trapped without a way out.

    Thank you for listening.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Why not move away then? If you hate the place you live to that point why not just go live somewhere else instead of harming yourself to "cope" so you can stay?
  3. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Because i cant afford it. If i could, i would do it right away.
  4. jisatsu

    jisatsu Member

    As above, if you can't stand him, perhaps a good idea would be moving out? However, I think that's just running away from your problems. Consider why you hate him so much. What's so annoying in him? You can't hate him for no reason. If you'll find out why is that, you can try to talk about it with him.
  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Hatred is a powerful word. Why all of that hating towards a person that could be your ally in this life? I might be guessing wrong but jealousy is the vibe I am getting from this.
  6. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    I was jealous in the past but thats not the issue now. it is his sense of entitlement and self centered ways. it is his health problems that one way or another limit also my life and rob me of anything that i could enjoy and it has always been this way. i cant talk to him because he is always right and i am mean, wrong and selfish if i say anything.

    anyway, it looks like my efforts of being kind in spite of what i was really feeling helped and things have calmed down a bit. it is always worse when we're home alone. my parents will come back this sunday. meanwhile he will be working almost all day in the next days so we should see each other less and hopefully this will help too.

    thanks for listening and your support.