Another day, another drama. Last night my father and my sister, 20, started fighting because she took her girlfriend to a equestrian club, where everybody knows my family (and he had told my sister not to take her girlfriend there). It was a huge fight. She started crying and told him that HE was a degenerate, that he's the kind of father that no daughter wants, and she asked him why did he get married if he wasn't going to keep his vows (apparently she and I feel the same, we're not close though). His response was this: that she's the degenerate one, because he fucks with women everyday and that my mom's aware of that (which is a lie), and that she's an emabarrassment to our family. This morning, I was taking breakfast when my father came down the stairs and in a bad way told me to hurry up because I'd stay in his office. I got mad at him because of the way he had spoken to me, and because is in his office where his mistresses used to work. He owns a hotel by the hour, and basically most of our clients are cheating bastards like him. That's why I HATE going to work there. Everything reminds me of what he's done to us, to our family. Several psychologists told my mom that my sister behaves like this because of my father. She's disgusted with men since she found my father's porn in our computer, and apparently she saw him with someone else. In addition, my sister took her car and got out of the house (we were using her car because our car stopped working, and dad's to blame for this), so while I was working in the office my dad went to who knows where, and my mom and my youngest sister (her favorite daughter) stayed home. I called them for help because there were so many people this morning waiting for a room, and they told me they were in the supermarket. They never came to help me. At 11:30 my mom called me and told me she was going to the bank in order to withdraw money for my surgery, so I told her that I would wait for her (like I had a choice). It was 14:00 hs. when she and her pet/daughter showed up, and I was hysterical. HUNGRY as hell, and with head ache. The minute they sat down in the office I came home to eat. I binged. I was supposed to be on a diet (which I'm quiting because it's way too restrictive) and start the gym today. I can't believe I'm not even strong enough to say NO to food. Moreover, I just called my mom to ask her how was everything, and she said, and I quote "Bad. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you and your sister. You treat us like we're your cashiers, like we have to give you everything you want", and she hung up on me. I showed them I was mad at them, but, I mean, my mom instead of trying to understand why I HATE being in the office so much, she says I'm lazy. She says that everyone in our hyper-critical family says I'm lazy. They don't even notice I'm depressed. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't even want to get out of bed. I just want to disappear. As for my dad, I have mixed feelings about him. I know he's a tortured soul, and I feel so bad for him, for what he's gone through; on the other hand, I hate him for everything that he's done, everything that he's said (for instance, like my ex was with me only because of a bet). I don't love him. Nor my mom. I feel bad for writing this, but is the pure truth. I'm grateful for everything they've given me, however, I don't feel they love me either. I mean, would you feel your parents love you if you knew they lost you in a beach in Brazil when you were 4 and never realised they did until someone tip them off?? Or if you knew your mom was "keeping an eye on you" when you were drowning in the pool at age 2?? Or more recently, would you feel your mom loves you when everyone around you asks you why doesn't she talk about you, but only about your sibling?? Anesthesia killed me once. I hope after the next surgery I don't wake up anymore.