I hate my existence

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by justastrangegirl, Apr 17, 2013.

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  1. justastrangegirl

    justastrangegirl Well-Known Member

    Another day, another drama. Last night my father and my sister, 20, started fighting because she took her girlfriend to a equestrian club, where everybody knows my family (and he had told my sister not to take her girlfriend there). It was a huge fight. She started crying and told him that HE was a degenerate, that he's the kind of father that no daughter wants, and she asked him why did he get married if he wasn't going to keep his vows (apparently she and I feel the same, we're not close though). His response was this: that she's the degenerate one, because he fucks with women everyday and that my mom's aware of that (which is a lie), and that she's an emabarrassment to our family.

    This morning, I was taking breakfast when my father came down the stairs and in a bad way told me to hurry up because I'd stay in his office. I got mad at him because of the way he had spoken to me, and because is in his office where his mistresses used to work. He owns a hotel by the hour, and basically most of our clients are cheating bastards like him. That's why I HATE going to work there. Everything reminds me of what he's done to us, to our family.

    Several psychologists told my mom that my sister behaves like this because of my father. She's disgusted with men since she found my father's porn in our computer, and apparently she saw him with someone else.

    In addition, my sister took her car and got out of the house (we were using her car because our car stopped working, and dad's to blame for this), so while I was working in the office my dad went to who knows where, and my mom and my youngest sister (her favorite daughter) stayed home. I called them for help because there were so many people this morning waiting for a room, and they told me they were in the supermarket. They never came to help me.

    At 11:30 my mom called me and told me she was going to the bank in order to withdraw money for my surgery, so I told her that I would wait for her (like I had a choice). It was 14:00 hs. when she and her pet/daughter showed up, and I was hysterical. HUNGRY as hell, and with head ache.

    The minute they sat down in the office I came home to eat. I binged. I was supposed to be on a diet (which I'm quiting because it's way too restrictive) and start the gym today. I can't believe I'm not even strong enough to say NO to food.

    Moreover, I just called my mom to ask her how was everything, and she said, and I quote "Bad. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you and your sister. You treat us like we're your cashiers, like we have to give you everything you want", and she hung up on me.

    I showed them I was mad at them, but, I mean, my mom instead of trying to understand why I HATE being in the office so much, she says I'm lazy. She says that everyone in our hyper-critical family says I'm lazy.

    They don't even notice I'm depressed. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't even want to get out of bed. I just want to disappear.

    As for my dad, I have mixed feelings about him. I know he's a tortured soul, and I feel so bad for him, for what he's gone through; on the other hand, I hate him for everything that he's done, everything that he's said (for instance, like my ex was with me only because of a bet). I don't love him. Nor my mom. I feel bad for writing this, but is the pure truth. I'm grateful for everything they've given me, however, I don't feel they love me either. I mean, would you feel your parents love you if you knew they lost you in a beach in Brazil when you were 4 and never realised they did until someone tip them off?? Or if you knew your mom was "keeping an eye on you" when you were drowning in the pool at age 2?? Or more recently, would you feel your mom loves you when everyone around you asks you why doesn't she talk about you, but only about your sibling??

    Anesthesia killed me once. I hope after the next surgery I don't wake up anymore.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 17, 2013
  2. srilu

    srilu Member

    Hey
    dont say dat. U will be fine after the surgery
    I'm sure your brightest days are ahead
    And a day will come when you will completely forget this pain in ur life
    And You will be happy
    Always remember dat everything in life happens for a good reason and every thing will be fine once you know that reason
    be positive and strong
     
  3. justastrangegirl

    justastrangegirl Well-Known Member

    thank you for caring, srilu. Apparently, nobody else does.
     
  4. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you feel that no one cares. I hope that you will be able to make the changes you want to your life. I know this isn't easy. Moving to "what can I do?" from 'they should / shouldn't do this/that' is always hard.
     
  5. Rkmnd

    Rkmnd Member

    I cannot say I can truly understand your pain, what you've gone through would make anyone stumble a little...but you've been strong enough to make it this far... You're at such a critical point in your life....make it through your surgery, then take the next step in your life. Ether it be your coveted college you want to go to, to a compromised location, to a direct job, you can move on with your life, and not have to deal with the hotel anymore.

    Hold on, make it through your surgery, and move on with your life, and you will escape this nonsense. I certainly hope you wake up just fine :(
     
  6. Percarus

    Percarus Account Closed

    Often when one has a communication impediment/difficulty with their loved ones, in this case your parents, it becomes a necessity to bond with them maybe by non-verbal means. Some individuals never talk to their parents but it is this surreal semi-psychic bond that establishes family love amongst the participants - that is you understand them, their desires, their pains, and surely they understand you better than you understand them, after all they are your parents.

    My suggestion would be to maybe type a long letter addressed to each parent individually and place it on a spot they will find it. In this letter you should state all the activities you always dreamed on doing with them in a parent/child relationship - not something overly costly. Say for instance, maybe you never went fishing with your father, now would be a good time to ask. Maybe you desired to go out in a night in a club with your mother where she could tell you about her days as a youngester out and about. There are many alternative scenarios but in any case it is important to use emotional words in such a letter if indeed this is an option you take (expressive words).

    Parents do make mistakes along the way, just remember you may too when you become a parent. The only way to learn parenting is by discovering as you go really and many stuff up along the way. Opening up about your private life to your parents in an eloquent well versed manner does cause them to feel you in sympathy and understanding - to feel your pain even when they sight you in distress, this through understanding.

    Sure, maybe your father cheats on your mother, mayhap your parents have an open relationship agreement, at the end of the day how well do you know your parents? What do you know about their past and in regards to the time before you were born? What were they like as teenagers and as children? You may never get the chance to find out if you let social bonds go out of the window in neglection. Doing something nice for people (like baking their favourite muffin, bringing a can of beer from the fridge, doing the dishes) can be so easy to accomplish and take absolutely no time whatsoever with a result of bringing so many warm cosy emotions to the target incumbent. And even if they don't retribute the favour in niceness it is logical that eventually one day they would by the tenfold.

    There is no point in being jealous of your siblings. I for instance want my parents to love my siblings more than I, I don't need the extra attention and love and I am mature enough to see that they need it more than me - I love my siblings too, so what.

    I hope this helps.
     
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