I hate my existence

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Saboten, Sep 1, 2010.

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  1. Saboten

    Saboten Member

    In retrospect I've been messed up all my life, but things really started to get bad once I graduated from HS 4 years ago. I was one step from being accepted at Digipen, but I backed out at the last minute because I had no portfolio, which was a requirement for the BA degree I was going for.

    So staying with my parents, I developed an interest in art and Asian languages, especially Japanese. I made a lot of friends on the net I got in a bad long distance relationship for a couple years and suffered a ton of psychological abuse and racial discrimination from the person I cared deeply for. I started attending the community college nearby but stopped going. I started abusing Benzos.

    Eventually my gf dumped me, which was what I wanted, but I was still deeply affected by it, and everything that had happened. for the following year and 1/2I went into a deep spiral of despair and continued self-loathing and eventually I was hospitalized in January for ODing on a very potent Tranquilizer, and people say i'm 'lucky' to have survived. Strangely I made a friend in the psych ward, but we have only talked over the phone since.

    Soon after I was discharged, I stupidly started with my ex again and I thought things would be better but she soon decided I was a loser and stopped talking to me. I severed all contacts with her. I don't care about her personally anymore(being 'over' it?), which is good , but I still have the severe emotional scars from everything.

    I have been in isolation so long that I have severe social anxiety now, and can't even order my own food some times, or use public transportation. I can't find any job I qualify for other than working for my dads business occasionally, and I'm not compatible with my family.

    I failed the written test to get a drivers permit twice now, and rely on a friend and my parents for transportation, not that there is really anywhere for me to go except to go to the store occasionally and hang out with my friend and his family. Almost all of my friends from school have gone off to university or got married. I feel like I'm stuck here. I'm easily affected by the slightest dissappointment or failiure I instantly lose all motivation and hope. I change moods daily, even abruptly.

    I've lost interest in the things that i love, like videogames. Every day I have to struggle with this mental chaos. If only it were so easy to 'choose to not be depressed', like so many ignorant people say! but it's not! It doesn't matter how overconfident I feel when I'm manic, I just sink back into despair.
     
  2. Saboten

    Saboten Member

    I don't know why i wrote this. I guess I just wanted someone to know my story. Sorry:sad:
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    The drives test is hard they change it all time it took my duaghter 3 times before she passed lots of people fail that dam test. I am sorry you have struggled so much and are so isolated. I think if you could get some therapy to help you with you self image it would make thing better. I just want you to know you were heard okay and i hope you get some help to change your world around a bit so you are not so lonely take care
     
  4. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Don't apologize! If it did you any good, then I'm glad you did it.
     
  5. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Saboten, small steps in the right direction will help you accomplish your goals.
     
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