I've only just joined today coz I was desperate for somewhere to go and just let everything out so I'm sorry if I come across as I little crazy. I've been suffering from depression for the passed five years now. Its self-diagnosed as I really dont feel comfortable talking to a doctor about it. I did use to talk to my friends, which helped loads, but lately they have changed so much. Sometimes I think maybe its me who changed coz how can a bunch of people all just suddenly stop liking you at the same time? But the more I think about it, the more I know its who are to blame for turning me to this depressive, psycho, monster I've become. Ever since I left school I’ve been practically alone. Whenever I asked one of my friends if they wanted to meet up and do something, the answer was always no. This became such a regular thing that I got so fed up of it I told them how it was effecting me. I didn’t have any friends at Uni and wasn’t going to any of my classes so I dropped out, I was slitting my wrists, throwing glasses at the walls when I become the tiniest bit stressed with something. I’ve actually developed a severe case of Social Anxiety which prevents me from getting a job. But they don’t care. A group of us have been friends for 7 years and they don’t care. I’ve never wanted attention, I’ve never moaned at them, but as soon as I started talking to them about this, they didn’t want to know! I havent seen a single one of my friends since August. They're still saying they're too busy and all that. So I thought that if I told them again what I was going through, only make it easier for them to understand that I needed support, then maybe they would help me be happy again. I was calm about it and everything. But they just thought I wanted the attention and it just made everything worse. They go out with each other all the time and I just don’t know what I’ve done wrong. It was my 20th birthday last week and my brother arranged a get together with my friends since I'd been so alone. But as the days went along they all started to drop out one by one. In the end it didnt even happen. Now thats the fifth birthday in a row that thats happend so obviously that triggered everything off and I went mad, phoning and emailing and (I'm ashamed to say) telling them all that I hoped they died. The next day one of them is saying on her facebook page how amazed she is at how 'childish and pathetic' people can be. How is my being upset at yet another birthday ignored being pathetic?! No matter how hard I try to tell them what I'm going through they dont care! I'm not attention seeking - I never have! I just want them to actually be bothered before I do something stupid! For the last 3 months no one as even given me a second thought even though they all know I'm going through a really bad time. I've done nothing but sit at home with nothing to do and no one to talk to whilst everyone else has gone out without me. I’ve been utterly neglected. Everyone, including my own mother, has chosen to go out with their friends rather than do something to make me feel better. I always get knocked to the side whilst they all have fun. No one cares about me. I find it amazing that I haven’t killed myself yet. Or them. Which is another thing – for the first time in my life I felt like I could kill someone. I know I never would, but how scary is that thought, knowing you want to? Theres so much more I want to say but this is already too long and I’m rambling and I don’t want to bore anyone. Which is why I don’t go to the therapist my mum suggested, coz they’d just get tired of me. I’m sorry if I’ve wasted anyones time. And I’m sorry if I came across as a horrible person. I’m just so bloody alone.