Ever since I was 10 years old I have had clincal depression, and SA disorder. I'm currently 16 right now I hate being given life. I hate my mother for so many reasons. The same goes for the rest of my family. I can't stand living with these idoits. I can say with a fact I have no friends. The people I had to talk to this year (and the past years of my high school life) were idoits I had to put up with so I could get into my A.P. courses. (It's beyond stupid how the AP teachers also ask the students for reconmendations for a student wanting to get into AP) I have sereve clinical depression and S.A. Disorder so I'm not social at all. I'm looking for anything to live for other than religion (I'm buddhist). So many people have told me to convert to Christianity but I wouldn't like to serve under a "god" who I have to beg for forgiveness. Let's say there is a "god" lol. If God is so nice and wonderful why does he allow suffering around this earth. -.- I wonder how many moralf3gs I'm going to attact with that sentence. There is no chance of me finding a girlfriend or anything like that because I'm ugly as hell, another thing I can say with a fact. It's pahetic I have to vent in this website, so many people are going to post things like "you're a loser" or something like that. I understand full well my life can be worse than it is now. I'm grateful for what I have and the resources avaible to me also for not being born of something that could disable me or a disease. I just hate the things that have to happen to me every single day. I try to not to do anything out of rage and be the best that I can so the next life I have is so much better than this one. I would be happy alone... If I can just be left alone from people, If no one bothered me AT ALL. I also hate what race I am. I have always been bullied horribly because I was born this horrible race. Once I was forced to lick the school's bathroom floor because I'm this freaking race. I hate be so inferior I can't stand it. They also called me racial slurs that made me cry or feel extremely depressed. They also call say things about where I hail from and I cannot fight back because I am an inferior race to them... No matter how hard I try I can never surpass the people who are bullying me in studies. I really hate being given this life I feel like crying just typing this. As of right now... I'm in Montreal, Canada right now and I STILL feel depressed. I went to Montreal to try to relieve stress in a positive form by getting away from my mother, who I hate, and the rest of my family. I told her I wanted to go to Canada with my Aunt/Uncle and they all agreed to it. I was hoping this trip would get me out of this slump but I still feel the same old me from when I was in the U.S. I have no one to talk to right now because if I tell the people I am staying with that I feel suicidal they will send me to my mother and she may put me into a hospital. I couldn't get any sleep last night, and lost my appetite. I have been forcing myself to eat so it would seem that I am not depressed at all. I'm also becoming very tired easily, and my skin is becoming more pale. I'm worried they might notice soon... I have been sleeping alot more as well. I wish that I could fall into an eternal sleep where I never wake up. I'm only truly happy when I'm sleeping and dreaming about what I wish my life could be. I know my life could be worse but I can't stand the BS I have to deal with on a daily basis. I wish there was a painless way to die... Unfortanely there isn't. So I have to wait until I am reborn into the next life. I hope it's MUCH better than this crappy life I was given. I feel somewhat better venting this.