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I hate my life so much.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by iownzyou, Aug 7, 2012.

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  1. iownzyou

    iownzyou New Member

    Ever since I was 10 years old I have had clincal depression, and SA disorder. I'm currently 16 right now I hate being given life. I hate my mother for so many reasons. The same goes for the rest of my family. I can't stand living with these idoits. I can say with a fact I have no friends. The people I had to talk to this year (and the past years of my high school life) were idoits I had to put up with so I could get into my A.P. courses. (It's beyond stupid how the AP teachers also ask the students for reconmendations for a student wanting to get into AP) I have sereve clinical depression and S.A. Disorder so I'm not social at all. I'm looking for anything to live for other than religion (I'm buddhist). So many people have told me to convert to Christianity but I wouldn't like to serve under a "god" who I have to beg for forgiveness. Let's say there is a "god" lol. If God is so nice and wonderful why does he allow suffering around this earth. -.- I wonder how many moralf3gs I'm going to attact with that sentence. There is no chance of me finding a girlfriend or anything like that because I'm ugly as hell, another thing I can say with a fact. It's pahetic I have to vent in this website, so many people are going to post things like "you're a loser" or something like that. I understand full well my life can be worse than it is now. I'm grateful for what I have and the resources avaible to me also for not being born of something that could disable me or a disease. I just hate the things that have to happen to me every single day. I try to not to do anything out of rage and be the best that I can so the next life I have is so much better than this one. I would be happy alone... If I can just be left alone from people, If no one bothered me AT ALL.

    I also hate what race I am. I have always been bullied horribly because I was born this horrible race. Once I was forced to lick the school's bathroom floor because I'm this freaking race. I hate be so inferior I can't stand it. They also called me racial slurs that made me cry or feel extremely depressed. They also call say things about where I hail from and I cannot fight back because I am an inferior race to them... No matter how hard I try I can never surpass the people who are bullying me in studies. I really hate being given this life I feel like crying just typing this. :(

    As of right now... I'm in Montreal, Canada right now and I STILL feel depressed. I went to Montreal to try to relieve stress in a positive form by getting away from my mother, who I hate, and the rest of my family. I told her I wanted to go to Canada with my Aunt/Uncle and they all agreed to it. I was hoping this trip would get me out of this slump but I still feel the same old me from when I was in the U.S. I have no one to talk to right now because if I tell the people I am staying with that I feel suicidal they will send me to my mother and she may put me into a hospital. I couldn't get any sleep last night, and lost my appetite. I have been forcing myself to eat so it would seem that I am not depressed at all. I'm also becoming very tired easily, and my skin is becoming more pale. I'm worried they might notice soon... I have been sleeping alot more as well. I wish that I could fall into an eternal sleep where I never wake up. I'm only truly happy when I'm sleeping and dreaming about what I wish my life could be. :( I know my life could be worse but I can't stand the BS I have to deal with on a daily basis.

    I wish there was a painless way to die... Unfortanely there isn't. So I have to wait until I am reborn into the next life. I hope it's MUCH better than this crappy life I was given. I feel somewhat better venting this.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 8, 2012
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, I'm glad writing that all out has made you feel somewhat better :) I think you need to see a professional to help with the suicidal thoughts. It will be hard to do and they may hospitalize you, but it's not that bad. A few weeks in a psychiatric ward changed my life for the better. You need to look after number one, YOU. Good luck x and also welcome to the site, I hope you'll find it useful.
  3. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear about what's going on with you. But, you've taken a major step in writing this because it's a form of venting your feelings. Sometimes I feel like crying when I type out deep emotions to someone or just in general. CocaCola is write about seeking some professional help. I've found that professional help can do lots of things to help you make feel better. Seeing a Therapist has really changed my condition around considerably, and I don't know where I would be today with out my Therapist. I do hope you will find this site useful and helpful as your going through a rough time.
  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    hallo iownzyou,

    sorry for how you are feeling. i also know the feeling of not being able to keep friends, or connect with people even your own family. this is not news to me. but believe me, there are people out there who will love you if you try to make friendships by striking random conversations. its all a numbers game!

    Jesus Christ died on the cross because of our sins so that we wouldn't have to beg God for forgiveness if we accept Him & His sacrfice on our behalf.

    Rom. 3:25 “whom God set forth as a propitiation by His blood, through faith, to demonstrate His righteousness, because in His forbearance God had passed over the sins that were previously committed”

    I Jn. 2:2 “And He Himself is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the whole world.”

    To answer your other question, the world is bad and evil, not because God is allowing it , but because we have a free will (remember He gave Adam dominion over the earth, so we are responsible) and we choose to disobey him. we choose to be selfish and not help others. This is the work of satan, not God.

    That being said, i lived in canada for 7 years and never been to montreal, how is it?
  5. iownzyou

    iownzyou New Member

    It's pretty good in Montreal I wish I could start a life here and leave the states.
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