Its amazing that I lived for 29 years and I'm still stuck in a period where I can't be just be myself around others. I feel like I hit a point where ANYTHING I could say could potentially ruin a rapport with another person. I only know two people who I can take the damn social mask off and NOT offend them by simply making a general joke, trying to be self-confident, or being a regular socialite. I literally have to walk on a football field of eggshells whenever I talk to anyone else, and at this late stage of my life its become extremely nauseating. Real life, internet, even on this forum, what's the use? I could be talking about how cute kittens are and someone, somehow, will find a way to misunderstand it as a offensive remark. I remember one time nearly a month ago I pissed someone off by mentioning my fear of flying in airplanes. I have plenty of reasons to be anti-social even though I try to break out of the mold, but when people don't try to understand where you're coming from, its a bit of a heart breaker to realize, damn, I'm still the only ugly duckling in a massive sea of doves. I've heard the "Everyone else is perfect, YOU'RE the flawed one" line too many times. Yes, I get it, I'm the one with the issues, while everyone else gets to act like a fucking douchebag and get away with it 24/7, but they're seen as "normal". For someone who minds his own damned business, is not into manipulation, is not into using others for self-gain, is not always floating in a constant haze of selfishness, and tries his damn hardest keep some faith, patience, and most of all, a good heart, people still look at me like I'M the one who needs help. If I open up to anyone, watch how fast they run away from me. If I show I have some kind of intelligence beyond basic comprehension, I'm looked at as an invalid. If I show I have a sense of humor, whoa, make some room, I didn't fucking realize I was at a meeting at the Geneva Convention. If I try to be serious, its taken as a joke. If I try to joke around, it taken very seriously. If I dare show I care about someone, I get slapped in the face for it. If I try to help someone, I'd be lucky to ever hear the words thank you. "Fuck you" is more like it. I always end up apologizing for something that is not even my fault to begin with. Its like someone took the normal aspects of a person's life and completely ass-reversed it for me. I'm just so sick of the ugliness people hide behind their false smiles and false sense of security towards me. (I'm NOT making generalizations, because I have a feeling someone's waiting in the wings to call me out on that in order to chastise me, kinda like a guerrilla soldier waiting in the bushes just WAITING to attack the enemy). The reality always comes out to bite me in the ass when I least expect it. News flash, my associates: I'm human too, just like you. But thank you for reminding me for 29 years that I'm clearly not allowed to have feelings, thoughts, opinions, and general existence. I don't make a big deal of out of it, but sometimes I get a little fed up and I have to scream it out loud. I'd like to at least go through one period without having to pretend for 6,254,963,053th time that I'm okay and nothing's wrong. My life is like a really bad movie (yes, its worse than Gigli, you'd have to do pretty horrible to produce movie much worse than Gigli), and it just doesn't end. Not a sign of the ending credits in sight. The name of the movie is "The Worst Story Ever Told" starring me, Saeed Shabazz. I want a refund for the $10.95 I paid for this shitty movie. Please.