I hate my life

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Emerald Hyperion, Sep 8, 2013.

  1. Emerald Hyperion

    Emerald Hyperion Not-So Well Known Member

    Its amazing that I lived for 29 years and I'm still stuck in a period where I can't be just be myself around others. I feel like I hit a point where ANYTHING I could say could potentially ruin a rapport with another person. I only know two people who I can take the damn social mask off and NOT offend them by simply making a general joke, trying to be self-confident, or being a regular socialite. I literally have to walk on a football field of eggshells whenever I talk to anyone else, and at this late stage of my life its become extremely nauseating.

    Real life, internet, even on this forum, what's the use? I could be talking about how cute kittens are and someone, somehow, will find a way to misunderstand it as a offensive remark. I remember one time nearly a month ago I pissed someone off by mentioning my fear of flying in airplanes. I have plenty of reasons to be anti-social even though I try to break out of the mold, but when people don't try to understand where you're coming from, its a bit of a heart breaker to realize, damn, I'm still the only ugly duckling in a massive sea of doves. I've heard the "Everyone else is perfect, YOU'RE the flawed one" line too many times. Yes, I get it, I'm the one with the issues, while everyone else gets to act like a fucking douchebag and get away with it 24/7, but they're seen as "normal".

    For someone who minds his own damned business, is not into manipulation, is not into using others for self-gain, is not always floating in a constant haze of selfishness, and tries his damn hardest keep some faith, patience, and most of all, a good heart, people still look at me like I'M the one who needs help. If I open up to anyone, watch how fast they run away from me. If I show I have some kind of intelligence beyond basic comprehension, I'm looked at as an invalid. If I show I have a sense of humor, whoa, make some room, I didn't fucking realize I was at a meeting at the Geneva Convention. If I try to be serious, its taken as a joke. If I try to joke around, it taken very seriously. If I dare show I care about someone, I get slapped in the face for it. If I try to help someone, I'd be lucky to ever hear the words thank you. "Fuck you" is more like it. I always end up apologizing for something that is not even my fault to begin with. Its like someone took the normal aspects of a person's life and completely ass-reversed it for me.

    I'm just so sick of the ugliness people hide behind their false smiles and false sense of security towards me. (I'm NOT making generalizations, because I have a feeling someone's waiting in the wings to call me out on that in order to chastise me, kinda like a guerrilla soldier waiting in the bushes just WAITING to attack the enemy). The reality always comes out to bite me in the ass when I least expect it.

    News flash, my associates: I'm human too, just like you. But thank you for reminding me for 29 years that I'm clearly not allowed to have feelings, thoughts, opinions, and general existence. I don't make a big deal of out of it, but sometimes I get a little fed up and I have to scream it out loud. I'd like to at least go through one period without having to pretend for 6,254,963,053th time that I'm okay and nothing's wrong.

    My life is like a really bad movie (yes, its worse than Gigli, you'd have to do pretty horrible to produce movie much worse than Gigli), and it just doesn't end. Not a sign of the ending credits in sight. The name of the movie is "The Worst Story Ever Told" starring me, Saeed Shabazz.

    I want a refund for the $10.95 I paid for this shitty movie. Please.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Just letting you know I read your post, and I can relate in some ways. There are very few people I can truly be myself around, and it sucks. I know what it's like to have to alter who you are to suit the person you're either spending time with or talking to. Sometimes you just get fed up with it and just want to be yourself, without having to pretend or walk on eggshells. And I know, because we're all human, there will always be situations where something is taken the wrong way. But it can be easily fixed if both people involved are just willing to communicate.

    Want you to know I'm listening if you feel like talking.
  3. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Yeah, this all sounds really familiar to me. People seem to misinterpret every damn thing I say, no matter how innocent it may seem, yet they treat me like a pile of shit. God forbid I show emotion, hell I've gotten to the point where I cried so hard that I yelled, I've told people how I was feeling and they didn't like it, I hurt myself, I was told I was an embarrassment and all this other shit, so I learned to put my emotions under lock and key. But no one should feel that they have to do that, ever. It will hurt even worse to keep it all inside. It might seem like no one understands you, but I do, and I'm sure other people on this site do as well.
  4. nightfallagain

    nightfallagain Well-Known Member

    AND NO WONDER YOU ARE A SENIOR MEMBER!!! I can totally relate. You have put into words that I could not. I have been told that my written words are of some worthy cause, but I disagree. What you have said, and totally worded, brought me to tears. "I Know" I thought I was the only one - so thank you. I may just live another day
  5. Emerald Hyperion

    Emerald Hyperion Not-So Well Known Member

    Exactly, Alison. You get the picture. I've learned time and time again that communication between both parties is VERY important. Amazingly enough this is exactly what I do my best to provide, but usually on the other end its a no-go... Its frustrating when I'm talking to someone and they do things like avoid my questions, try to change the subject, and running away from the problem when I try to solve things by simply talking it over like an adult. Even more annoying when I realize I can't tell if I'm causing a problem, or maybe its just the other person with issues and they don't want to communicate back. Either they're not willing, or they're too scared to. So I just have to quit being real and put on the mask, and everything goes back to "normal". But yes, you're right that things will be taken the wrong way... somehow I can make the simplest words seem life-threatening and the other person freaks out on me.

    I'd rather be my original self any day of the week then pretend in order to cater everyone else's whim or just to attract general attention. Being myself makes me feel comfortable and it should for anyone else that desires to. Sadly the price to pay is being heavily criticized for it.

    I agree with you, Witty. You're absolutely right. I feel the same way, that no one should have to be forced to bottle up their emotions. After such a long time, it'll only end up causing too much self-damage in the long run. I've wasted way too many years holding back from telling others what was really on my mind, and I realized that maybe if I had given them a piece of my mind, it could have either have gained me respect or an even worse rapport with others. Sometimes even letting it out, it doesn't work out because somehow (if not most of the time) as you said, people will not like hearing the ugly truth, and they'll try to play a reverse guilt tripping game, making US to feel bad instead.

    I've seen a lot of your posts and from what I've read, its very wrong that people treat you they way they do. Its not right at all, and I know it hurts you deeply. You have every right to be noticed, to show emotions and feelings as anyone else, and no one should dare have to tell you otherwise. I can't stand misinterpretation myself, people really should take a step back and read (or listen) carefully as to what's being said, and maybe they'd realize the words we both say to them aren't ill intentioned or filled with malice.

    You're very welcome, nightfall... I believe that is the very first time in my life that I have I've hit an emotional part of a person with my words... and here I thought for so many years that my words were as empty as a vacuum in outer space. If they give you the will to live another day, then I honestly wish I could say even more words with meaning so that you can live to see a full life.

    Thank you everyone, now I know I don't feel alone anymore on this.
  6. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Thank you for the kind words. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, and I hope that you do find people who will treat you that way. Out of 7 billion people, there have to be at least a few who would understand us. It's good to know I'm not alone in this, either. You should start speaking your mind, no matter what...that's what I've learned to do. No longer will I take crap from anyone.
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I agree with Witty_Sarcasm... you should be yourself and speak your mind. The people who are worth your respect, will earn it. You have a lot to say... and you say those things well. I hope more people will listen to you!
  8. Emerald Hyperion

    Emerald Hyperion Not-So Well Known Member

    You're welcome, and thank you so much for being just as kind too. You deserve to be treated exactly the same way and no less. I hope the same way for you and I think you are far more deserving of it especially after having read your posts. I believe in the same notion, not everyone in this world could be bad. Its just that the the worst aspects of society tends to overshadow the better half so much.

    And you're right... I really need to make a change and start speaking my mind, because I can't go on in future years knowing that yet again, I let someone else get away with hurting me. I'm so glad that you've learned how to do it, Witty! That's the right kind of thinking we should all have. Placing our feelings above and boosting our self-esteem much higher for what its worth. And we are worth so much more and we can't let idiots keep dragging us down, or we'll never pick ourselves up off the ground.

    I wish I had the knowledge that I have now back when I was a child... if everyone wasn't constantly posing a threat to me, I'd imagine growing up could've been a shit ton easier.

    Thank you, and you're right too. Before I was always scared to speak my mind because if I did, there always seemed to be a bad consequence to it. But if I don't do it, then I'm only going to live with the pain of not having stopped the bullshit, and making a change... and thank you for the compliment, its good to know others can understand what I'm saying.