It's 3 o clock in the morning and I'm not sleeping. I don't know what to do. I've been suicidal for 10 years, since I was 15. I'm 25 now, and I really believe that these feelings are not going to go away. I've struggled with severe ocd since I was in 3rd grade. I developed depression later on in high school, and finally panic disorder 5 years ago. Everyday is hell. People always say things get better, but things have only seemed to get progressively worse for me as my life goes on. I have only one true relationship with another person in this world, and that's my wife. She is the ONLY reason I have not killed myself. It would hurt her too much. I've only ever been this depressed once before in my life. It's a strange kind of depression, it's dark and scary, not the usual kind where I lose interest in life and feel sad. This feels like I'm dying, it's a blackness. In college I thought about suicide a lot. I was miserable, and people said that college is the best time of your life. That sounded horrible to me, and I thought there wasn't much to look forward to. Looking back, I wished I had done it, and 10 years from now I'll wish I had done it now. I'm relatively certain that I will do it someday. After college I got married and went to grad school. I applied at a number of schools, but I went to the one I did because one of the professors contacted me personally and said she was interested in the undergrad research I had done and wanted me to come to her lab. I agreed and moved half way across the country. Then that professor decided that she was going to move to another school, so she found someone else to take me on a student. The lab I worked in after that was horrible. The woman in charge was a bitter evil person that hated grad students, everyone left that lab except for me. I was completely alone, just me and this horrible woman. I thought I could suck it up and be done in two years. The problem was, though, that my research wasn't going well and they told me I probably wouldn't be able to write a thesis on it and I might have to spend even more time there. I didn't foresee myself doing this as a career, and I didn't feel like wasting my money and time on something I had grown to hate so I moved back home, or rather to my dad's home as my parents got divorced while I was away and didn't tell me. My mom told me I couldn't come home. Shortly after moving in to my dad's new house, which is rather small for three people, my dog died. I felt pretty horrible, and I started looking for jobs. I found a job at a power plant, the pay was good and it sounded like a great job. I didn't want to go back to school so I took it. I rented a small house which was very overpriced, but everything is in this area, and I moved out near the plant with my wife. Before actually beginning work, there was a 9 month classroom - paid training to get you ready. It wasn't all that bad I guess. I kind of enjoyed learning about power plants. The other people in the class, 16 of us, were horrible to me at first. I again became very depressed. Eventually, a couple people warmed up to me and I made some good friends. Unfortunately, once the training was complete, the job was an utter nightmare. The work schedule was seven days on, one day off, seven days working evening shift, one day off, seven days working midnight shift, one day off, seven days working day shift, then four days off. It was horrible, I spent all my time either at work or trying to sleep. I really couldn't imagine doing this for the rest of my life. Meanwhile, my wife was waiting for a baby. We had talked about having one once I finally had a job. There was no way I was going to have a kid at this point. The people at the power plant are the worst people I have ever met in my life. Everyone there is miserable and hates their job, they stab each other in the back, they talk about each other behind their backs, they do whatever they can to make life hard for each other, especially for new workers. At this point, my OCD was through the fucking roof. I couldn't stand being around large dangerous machines and toxic chemicals. It was paralyzing for me, I really couldn't do it. I started thinking about suicide a lot. Instead, I told my dad I was going to need somewhere to stay again, because I couldn't keep working there and therefore couldn't afford rent. He accepted and I moved back. He has heart problems, and wasn't feeling well. The doctors had told him he needed surgery, but he wouldn't do it. He finally had the surgery and is in the hospital recovering now. Anyway, I looked again at grad school because I have no idea what I want to do. I actually found a really great program and I got accepted a couple weeks ago. The program doesn't begin until the summer, so I thought that now would be a good time to come off of the antidepressants and valium I'm taking. I've been on and off antidepressants for ten years, paxil, effexor, luvox, lexapro, and citalopram and I don't think they work. I've been taking them for my entire adult life, and yet I've still struggled with depression and OCD. I hate being dependent on these drugs and on some doctor to give them to me. I've been to five different psychologists and nothing works. I've wanted to get off my medicine for a long time, and I figured now was the best time as I wasn't working and had a chance to do it in a stress free environment. Besides, I lost my insurance when I quit my job and I can't afford the $150 to pay a psychiatrist to write me refills every two months. I've stopped taking the antidepressant, and the withdrawal was mind numbingly bad. I've withdrawn from ssri's before, but this time was different. I didn't notice a lot of change as I tapered down or when I stopped taking the medicine in terms of OCD or anxiety or depression. It was just as bad as it was before. It was just the withdrawal that killed me. Finally I started to feel better, but then I came down a really bad case of the flu. The flu tends to make me depressed when I have it, but then I return to normal when it's over. The flu is gone now, but I feel worse everyday. I don't know what is going on. My OCD is worse than ever, my anxiety is back, and I have this horrible feeling that washes over me multiple times a day. The world just looks so bleak to me. I don't see any reason to keep going, I don't see anything good in my future. I can't possibly imagine bringing a kid into this world, especially with me as its father. It's too much responsibility and he'll probably end up getting shitty genes from me. I can't even hold down a job, I can't take care of a kid. And my wife will probably leave me if I tell her I don't want to have kids. I don't look forward to anything, all I see is working for the next fourty years and then dying. I don't even want to go to the grad program I got accepted to. I have no motivation. I can't even drive with my OCD, there's just no way in hell I'm going to be able to hold down a job. But what am I supposed to do, I can't live here at my dad's place unemployed forever. I'm really at a loss here. Everyday is hell for me right now. I'm so miserable, I don't want to wake up in the morning because I know it's going to be a nightmare. Medication doesn't seem to help me, I don't know. I really don't even know why I'm writing this, I just feel like I need to talk to someone. I'm so alone and I hate the snow. I have more to say but I don't feel like writing anymore.