I hate my life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by searchlightsoul, Mar 16, 2010.

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  1. I'm not sure how to begin this, so I guess I will just begin.

    I am 27 years old, male. For years I have been battling depression and suicidall thoughts - sometimes it is really bad, sometimes not so bad, but it is always there. When I was little people used to tell me not to take things so seriously, but I was a pretty happy kid.

    That changed though. Without going into the gory details, I was abused by a family member (not my parents) when I was young and got a sickness as a result. I have never received counselling or seen a doctor about this.

    But life went on and I kept it secret. I've told two people - one anonymous friend on the internet, and a former girlfriend. When me and that girlfriend split up, I felt I lost the one person I could talk to about this stuff. I started cutting myself on the arm as a way to punish myself when I did things I was not proud of and also as a way to gain attention. I was sort of hoping people would see, and then force me to get help... but I hid it. Eventually I stopped cutting myself, mostly because I didn't want to have the marks on my arms.

    I've never really known what I want out of life. I guess the same thing most people want. Peace, comfort, love, happiness. But I've never had big plans for a family, and I've never known what I want to do for a career. However, after highshchool I did like everybody else and went to college, where I studied communications with a specialty in journalism. College was extremely stressful, and my drinking, which had previously been entirely social, became habitual. I went from drinking on weekends, to drinking a couple beer every day and getting drunk on weekends, to drinking 6 beer a day and so on... I knew early on that it was something to be shameful of and I hid my drinking from everybody except my drinking buddies, of which I had many. Anyway, the drinking made college difficult and I almost dropped out due to the stress and just not having my act in gear. My organization skills, which were never great, deteriorated, and I started becoming unreliable to friends and family. I started lying not just about my drinking, but how I was doing in school, in relationships with friends, lying about my finances, just... lying all the time. My grades started to slip, and I didn't feel I was doing good enough, and I was always so stressed out. Everything was a catastrophe. I would get assigned basic assignments for class and they would stress me out so badly that I would procrastinate and drink and smoke pot instead of actually getting things done.

    Eventually it became apparent that I was not going to graduate from college according to the timeline that my family and I anticipated. But I lied about this too. I didn't have all the classes I needed, but told my parents I did. Eventually the time came when my folks thought I would be done school, and I moved back to my hometown. Eventually I tried completing my college program by correspondence, but that didn't work out well. Again, I lied. Eventually I told my dad the truth, who agreed to keep it quiet and let me try correspondence again without telling my mother. But that didn't work out... of course it didn't. When she eventually found out, she was devastated. She was disappointed in me, and hurt that I would lie to her for so long about something so important. I don't think the trust has ever been repaired. But we worked things out and I went back and completed my program at the college, which was a great feeling.

    After that, I moved back to my hometown, again, and was unemployed for a while. Eventually I secured what I thought would be a good and satisfying job - a one year internship - doing communications/public affairs. It started out alright. The work was enjoyable enough, and I liked my manager. She then left and I was in charge of public affairs for the organization for a month until the new manager was secured. The job immediately became much more stressful as I took on many more responsibilities. I felt unable to deal with the work load. When the new manager started, I was relieved. But her and I just generally don't jive well. I never feel like my work is good enough for her standards, and she tells me I have to do better. I keep messing up, forgetting to do things, submitting work late... I've gone from feeling good about the job to feeling like a charity case in the span of less than a year. I feel like she has to do a lot more work because I am not a good employee and that she doesn't have any faith in me to do a good job on my own when she has to go out of town.

    And that's basically where I am now. I hate going to work every day. I fear it. I get panic attacks thinking about it - I become light headed, I get a pain in my chest, and a tingling sensation in my arms and sometimes face. Sometimes I even become sick to my stomach. I don't want to say what I do for a living, but most would accept that it is by nature a stressful job. But at the same time, I see everybody around me who seems to be handling their work no problem - they get stressed too, but it doesn't affect their work. I get so worked up that I can't even properly function. If I were my boss, I might consider firing me.

    I also feel like I've lost a lot of my friends, and have nobody to blame but myself. When a friend of mine's father passed away, I did almost nothing to support him through his grief. I didn't know how to deal with the situation and let his closer friends help him. Then when a friend of mine's girlfriend died, I was there for the funeral and not much else. I haven't spoken to him in months. I always turn down opportunities to be with my friends, and eventually they just stopped calling me, and I can't blame them.

    I also now lie to my friends about my drinking, when I used to be more or less open about it. After a particularly embarassing night a few months ago, I told them I was quitting drinking - which I did do, for a while. But I got back on it a couple months later, without telling them, of course. So now I never see them because I don't want to be around them when they are drinking, as I will want one, OR because I would prefer to be at home having something to drink. I know I must stop, but part of me still doesn't want to. I enjoy having a beer now and then with the few people I still drink socially with. But my body is telling me I have to stop.

    As all of this built up, I started feeling worse, and worse, and worse about myself. I started having suicidal thoughts more often, and thoughts that were more serious. A month or so ago it got very serious. I was so worried about going to work one day that I took a knife with me into the shower and started cutting at my wrists. I wouldn't call it a suicide attempt, but I was a little hopeful that I would accidently cut too deep and end it. When I saw the blood I was a little scared, but also peaceful. Then I bandaged myself and went into work. I ended up telling a friend of mine about it, and she supported me, told me the right things... but I still didn't feel much better about things.

    I am still having the same thoughts about how I am a bad friend, how I am not living up to my parent's expectations, how I keep screwing up at work, how I don't have any real plans in life. I love my family so much, and I feel terrible for how much I've lied to them over the years. I hide so much... but I know if I told them a lot of it it would hurt them severely. They have their own emotional issues and don't need me burdening them with more worries. That's really what I feel like sometimes: a burden. Like I'm a charity case. My health is deteriorating because I've been irresponsible and haven't followed my parent's advice/teachings. I have dental problems, I think I have a bad liver now, and my mind is not as sharp as it used to be. This is not how my parents raised me to be.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my love for my family. That's really it. I love them so much and I don't want to destroy their lives by making them have to arrange my funeral. I have a neice who I love and I don't want her to grow up with that stigma. But I don't see a realistic possibility of improvement. I feel hopeless and lost and like a pathetic shell of a man.

    I have a sharp knife and a noose in my room. I don't plan on using them to kill myself, but I like knowing they are there in case I have a change of heart. Sometimes the thought of killing myself is just so comforting.
     
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum :)

    It sounds like you have had hard times in your life.

    It also sounds like you have never had any professional help. Is there a reason for that?

    I really hope that you find what you need here at SF. Please keep posting and talking :)
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just wanted to say hi, and welcome to SF. I'm glad you posted; I know it's not easy, but this is a good place to reach out and get some support.
     
  4. charmane

    charmane Well-Known Member

    This post could have been written by my son. He is 23 and he attempted to kill himself up at school last October. He also drinks constantly and he has dropped out of school twice (and in the process has wasted almost all of his college fund provided to him by his grandfather). He has now dropped out again this term and because he is out of money he will not be able to go back for a long time.

    He recently got two jobs. They are not bad - pay pretty well, one during the day and one on weekends. Since he is no longer attending school I thought this is what he wanted. However, he still is raging around the house, screaming about how his life is all "fucked up" and how he will never have a decent relationship, a good friend or anything in life. He told us that he is dropping out for good but he just told my parents that he is returning to school. It has me wigged because he just seems all over the place.

    He plans to move into his own apartment next month. He needs to leave home and be on his own - but as you know the student loans will have to be paid back within six months - they aren't bad at all but he did squander a lot of money. I think he feels trapped by his circumstances - he got so far behind. He went away to school threee times and three times he dropped out and said he couildn't stand being there. He also shut out all his friends - they don't understand why but he says they know.

    Anyway, you are not alone in how you feel. I see so much of it here. It seems that nowadays you can't make a mistake because you will pay dearly for it. Once he fell behind, he seemed overwhelmed by trying to catch up. Once he picked a major and realized it was the wrong one - he had already invested so much money and time it was too overwhelming to change to something he really wanted to do.

    His friends are all moving on in their lives. Most have steady relationships, a couple are engaged. They are all finished with their Bachelors Degrees, have done internships and are either applying to grad school or starting their careers. I tried to point out all is not rosy with everyone. Some are almost 100,000 in debt and their jobs are not that great or secure. They will be paying this back for a long time. In comparison, he has very little debt but has run out of money to continue classes. He is one of four children so we can't foot the bill - that's what the fund was for and it was carefully planned out so he wouldn't graduate with debt.

    It is hard to watch him drink - we clear out many fifths from his room so I know he is dependent on it. He told me it doesn't matter - at least it gives him something to do. He won't see his psychiatrist, won't take meds. I thought he was at least at some kind of peace with his new plan - to work these jobs, pay down his debt and move to the west coast where he has some friends. But, today he seems back to his old, angry and hopeless self - the one who scares us so much.

    My biggest fear is that he will move out and then try to kill himself again. We can't watch him 24/7 but we can't stop him anymore. You are not alone with a messy life, tons of anxiety, lonliness and regret. It seems more and more common nowadays. Take care....
     
  5. I've tried seeking professional help with counsellors/psychologists at the college, but that didn't help out much. He wanted the focus to be on a narrow issue, such as my insomnia. But I have to take the blame a bit - I never told him about the abuse or the full extent of my drinking. I don't know why. I guess I was hoping I could get help without having to go into the toughest stuff.

    I've also used some phone counselling programs offered through work where I would have a phone session an hour a week, but again, I didn't go into the full details.

    I'm not sure why I don't tell them the everything. I know they can't properly help if I hold back relevent info. It just is something I don't know how to talk about. It's so embarrassing. I'm so embarrassed about what happened when I was young, and how I live my life now.

    I also don't have a doctor of my own. Not because I can't get one, but because I am so scared of what they will tell me about my overall health. This keeps me from getting to a psychiatrist.

    Another reason that I don't give the full details is that I know they are required to seek outside intervention if they think a person is suicidal. I wish I could walk in there and just tell the guy "I feel like killing myself, and here's why." But the idea that he would then have to share this information bothered me, I guess. I dunno... logically it makes no sense to not share all the details and not get all the help I can.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2010
  6. I hope things work out well for your son, and am sorry that you and your family is going through this with him. It's good to know that I'm not alone.

    You hit the nail on the head when you talked about being afraid to make mistakes because of the consequences. That's how I feel. And each day I don't come clean with this stuff means it will be more difficult when I do have to.

    Sometimes I just want to go over to my parent's place and pour my heart out about everything and how much I love them for always being there for me. But... that is a good way to derail a dinner.

    It makes me think of Runaway Train by Soul Asylum.


    "It seems no one can help me now
    I'm in too deep
    There's no way out
    This time I have really led myself astray"
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2010
  7. charmane

    charmane Well-Known Member

    Searchlight,

    I would encourage you to talk to you parents as honestly as you can. I wish my son would just tell us how we could help as long as it was within our scope and resources we would try. Since he can't pinpoint what the problem really is - he just speaks in generalities like "my life sucks", 'I have nothing" "I am completely fucked in life", "I am sick of paying the consequences," and so on. We know he defaulted to a major he doesn't want and we know he feels he is too far behind in school to catch up. We know he feels overwhelmed by financial concerns but up to now he has never really had a job. I wish he would have vocalized so much more before he took the step he did last fall.

    He ended up in a psychiatric unit at a local hospital after his attempt. Now, he says he can't get over being in there. He also has terrible insomnia which he blames on his experiences in the ward. He was there for less than a week and we visited him each time we could which was every day. We also talked with him on the phone. But, he says he will never get over it and his stories sound like a Hollywood movie - not sure if he is being dramatic or it really was that bad.

    It seems like insomnia goes hand in hand with anxiety and depression. He also has hallmarks of OCD behavior which I know keeps his mind from shutting down, he has been this way since a newborn, very poor sleeping habits and a hard time going to sleep.

    I would encourage you to talk to your parents. I'm sure they feel for you and can see how wrong things are. But, if they are like us, they are in the dark about your true feelings and how to handle it. I wish that everyone who is depressed and suicidal could talk to someone, lay it all out there, and get some support. It doesn't have to be a professional. I really like group meetings. I don't know if you have any in your area of people suffering with depression, anxiety or even insomnia. It helps so much to interface with people 'in your boat." I know around me they hold such meetings at local hospitals and libraries and they are free of charge. I encouraged my son to go to a meeting with people suffering from depression and he said "oh, that sounds like a great party." lol. I think he is missing the point.
     
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